Tuesday, November 9, 2010

it's been a while

i haven't been on here in months. thats probably because the lack of internet access combined with the craziness of my life. Well obviously my baby is here.. Rowan Michael Carter. He was born september 27th at 12:41 am, on my due date, after five hours of labor, about fifteen minutes of pushing, & was 7lbs 6oz, 21 inches long. he's beautiful (of course i'd think that but i get told every time anyone sees him, even the nurses at the hospital who see millions of babies, so i feel a bit less lame saying it haha). though i don't know who he looks like- everyone who knows his dad says he looks like him, but most of the comments i've gotten lately is that he looks "just like a carter baby", so i'm hoping he ends up looking like me since his daddy is wayyyy out of the picture. i was completely prepared to be a parent when rowan came. i'm talking i was up, late at night, smile on my face, savoring every minute, missing him if he wasn't glued into my arms.. & then the colic began. & then the acid reflux. I just cannot believe how hard it's been since then on out. i mean, it's been ridiculous. i'm exhausted, my entire family is exhausted from helping me with him, & there just doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. as soon as i think he's getting better, he gets worse. i've just been praying & praying that we'll find the solution. it's overwhelming enough being a single mom- throw colic & acid reflux into the mix & you've got potential daily breakdowns. i was prepared for everything but this. sigh. to make matters worse, it's been nonstop drama in other areas in my life. i have a LOT of big decisions to make. i don't think i've ever prayed so hard or poured my heart out so much. well, i best be off, i'll have more info next post.

Friday, July 9, 2010

apartment

life definitely isn't what i expected. all my life i was surrounded by people i thought would always be there. i imagined myself always having a best friend by my side, eventually finding a boy that wouldn't leave my side, and having a group of friends that would always be around. i imagined always having someone to go to, someone to laugh with, someone to just be myself with. I never imagined myself being completely alone like i am.

would you believe that pregnancy has been reality for me and put everything into perspective? let me tell you, the picture isn't pretty. i guess being pregnant and having my whole life fall apart around me made pretty much every single one of my friends check out of my life. I wasn't too worried about it until all the close ones left or distanced themselves. who wants to be around someone who has to grow up and change their whole life and is having a hellova time doing it? I guess i just had more faith in everyone that they'd be there for me.

the most surprising of all is that the people that i never really thought would be there 100% are. i never thought me and my family would be close like we are now. well mostly me and my mom. we used to fight all the time and now she's pretty much the only person who's there for me.

now i'm not saying that i don't have some good friends, because i really do, just not close ones. i guess i just had a lot of toxic people in my life that i needed to get rid of and this gave me the opportunity to do so. it's pretty much one of thee hardest things i've ever done. my biggest fear in life is to be alone and thats how i feel most days. i often wonder whats wrong with me cuz of course something must be wrong with me since i don't have friends, right? my self esteem has been at a record low. my confidence in my personality, looks, & capabilities.

At a time in my life when i'm going through scary stuff, having to make sooo many changes, taking so many new steps all by myself, i've found that i've really grown up and become so much more independant. it's been a huge trial but also, in the long run, a huge blessing. so here i am, taking my last step. I think i've made the final decisions on who's important to have in my life, who's not, & who i'm going to be. When i first thought of moving into an apartment & starting a new life, i saw it as an opportunity to see who'd follow me and who wouldn't to make a place in my life. now i'm pretty sure i've already seen who's following and who's not. so, with this new apartment that i'm moving into in a week, i've decided to take a big, verrrrrry scary step that i'm really hoping i can make. I'm going to attempt to rebuild myself & life completely. I'm going to try and attempt to meet all new people, be the person i want to be, do the things i want to be and should be doing, & of course build a beautiful home for me and my son.

i have roughly three months to accomplish such things. lets hope i can pull through and get there, eh? i guess we'll see how it all goes.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

decisions and ultrasounds

first off, i went to my ultrasound and.. it's a boy :] which, btw, i wasn't too excited about at first, cuz one, i was hell bent on having a girl (i have three nephews, no nieces), two, i don't want a spitting image of the father (that'd just be too painful), and third i don't know how i'm going to raise a boy without an active father in his life, but after all of the initial shock and a few tears.. i'm pretty freaking stoked now and looking forward to meeting my son. oh and yes, us carter folk, apparently we're incapable of having little girls. who knew lol. most of my family just laughed when they found out i was having a boy. silly silly.

so let me try and quickly run through my decision of keeping my baby and what brought me to that conclusion (for those of you who care) lol.

Well it's been a long journey.. okay it's been like three or so months, which to a person as impatient as i, three months is a LONG time heh. I met with LDS family services and my bishop weekly, then also talked to my therapist half the sessions i had about weather i should keep or place my baby. I prayed every night, begging to know the answer, asking to be prompted to be led in the right direction. Sometimes i'd take days off, just sit and pray, read scriptures, talk to people, gather information, and do whatever i could to get closer to making a decision.

Now hello.. i'm LDS, so my decision was not only made by "whats the logical choice here" but it was guided by "where does my heavenly father want his child to go". I can tell you that yeah, i'm not a very good mormon, but holy poo, the last few months i've had theeeeee most spiritual experiences in my life. getting yourself knocked up can do wonders for the spiritual soul (though i don't recommend it). God has pretty much carried me through most days of my pregnancy. I honestly don't know how i've been able to endure through so much.

so let me just share with you some of the spiritual experiences i had. the first was a blessing that i got from the babies daddy's grandpa, who btw, is the most awesome old dude on this planet. i totally just wanna make him pocket size and keep him for forever. anyways, he gave me a blessing that was short and sweet that said "you will be a mother". now that was at the first of my decision process and i wanted to confirm the answer, so i kept praying to be prompted to go to the right places, talk to the right ppl, do the right things, etc. well one day i went to church with my mom.. the night before had been particularly hard, i didn't think that i was going to be able to go on much longer, so i prayed that i'd get inspiration and answers in the lessons from church the next day. lo and behold, i'm sitting in relief society, and this lady bears her testimony on how she had a task she needed to do and answers she needed to get, but she felt inadequate, so she prayed and prayed and the answer she got was to do the best she could and god would make up for the rest. thats still pretty much my favorite btw. then i remember a story standing out to me about someone in the scriptures asking god too many times for an answer until he gave them the answer they wanted. so then i kept trekkin along in my journey to find out what i needed to do, and a few weeks ago, all of the sudden, after looking through families for adoption, learning all i could about all options, i felt really strongly that i should keep my baby. well of course, my dads like psh.. you need to pray more, which at this point, i was exhausted and sick of trying to find answers, so i got really pissed off and went home. i continued praying and decided to go meet with this family in my parents ward that had adopted a baby that the bishop wanted me to talk to. he specifically said that i'd know the right answer after i met with them. at this point, i highly doubted that was true because i had felt like i should keep my child, but meh.. so my dad came over with me to meet with them. it was amazing. they were super nice. I didn't really know what to expect, but they didn't push me towards adoption at all. when i got there, we didn't even know where to start so i started with asking them the only question i could think of.. i explained to them that we are told that it's heavenly fathers plan, and sometimes he brings babies down here to go to other families, not the birth moms, and that i've heard that when you know your answer, as an adoptive family, you feel like that certain child is the right child for you, and as a birth mom, you feel like that certain family was supposed to have your baby.. so how did they know that this was right for them, and did they ever doubt the decision? long story short, i guess they had waited 5 years (which totally beats my 3 months btw) and there were times where they felt like maybe they weren't right, maybe they weren't supposed to get this child, and they got discouraged, but they waited, kept strong, and now they have two beautiful baby girls that they KNOW are supposed to be a part of their family. well, that there was all the answers i needed. i stopped questioning my answer, because i had felt all along that that was what i was supposed to do, and i just settled on it.

all in all, its been hell, it really has been, like i said, god has had to carry me through most of it, but i've learned so much and had my faith grow an incredible amount. i put everything that i had into getting an answer, i tried with all my might to do what i was supposed to be doing, i didn't give up, and eventually it paid off. i've never seen the hand of the lord so much in my life. he was there with me every day. it was great. still is. i still need tons of his support.

anyways, it's been a really great experience. that's kind of the short version of it all. Now things are working out splendid with my decision, things are starting to fall into place, and i have no doubt in my mind that this is what is right. I still have a lot to get ready and a lot to overcome, but i guess i'll just have to do the best i can and got with cover the rest.

Friday, May 28, 2010

me time

i've really just forgotten how much i just NEED my me time. i guess i don't ever think about it but being on vacation right now is a reminder of this. i find myself spending, or wanting to spend, more time away from everyone else on that particular vacation then spend time doing things there. i've enjoyed having the time to sit back, relax, feel my babies movements in my belly (and guess how it's positioned in there lol), read, nap, watch tv, and just sit quietly. tis weird cuz these things are kinda out of character for me haha.

oh and i swear all i want to do is plan baby stuff now. it's on my mind 24/7. i definitely have baby on the brain haha. :]

ohhh.. and btw, i've made my decision about keeping the baby/placing the baby for adoption soooo.. i'll have to post that up here soon and what helped me get to that decision. :] :] :]

Saturday, May 22, 2010

do the best you can

so here i sit
pregnant belly bursting out of me
(i really am just like huge)
and i can't help but stop and think
about all the changes (not just in size)
but in me in the last few months

i've had two ppl in the last few days comment
on how much i've grown up in the last few months
and i guess i should be happy
but all i can focus on is how far i need to go from here
with tears streaming down my face
i've attempted for the millionth time tonight
to figure out education and jobs
and all i get is a "melissa, thats not gonna be enough money"
from my dad for the 60 seconds he spares
to even talk to me about it
then my thoughts wander to how i'm single
and pretty much alone in this
how i'm dependent on everyone
i think about all the "you cant's"
how its saturday and i have nothing to do tonight
or any night really for that matter
haha how i'm in my parents office
crying about all of this.

i wonder if i would've known
that this was the decision i was making
that my life was going to turn out like this
would i have done everything the same?

i guess thats why the big mans in charge and i'm not lol
and i guess i have a lot to be thankful for too
that i'm just not focusing on right now

i've watched sooo much sixteen and pregnant
yeah, i'm addicted
and it really makes me grateful how much older
i am and how much more experience i have
even though it's overwhelming and i don't
know some days if i'll be able to do it
i know that god will make a way.

a lady stood up in church and talked about
how she had a trial she needed to overcome and figure out
so she asked god about it
and just felt overwhelmed like she could never do it
but then she heard from someone that you
should do the best you can and god
will make up the rest
so she did that and everything has worked out.

i try to think of this at stupid moments like these
where i just feel like everything is so wrong
and soooo impossible
when i feel so alone and lost

hopefully tomorrow will be better eh?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Introduction to me

so here i sit, facebooking my life away, when i come across a link to my friends blog, so i read it, love it of course, and then realize.. wtf. i never even introduced myself. So here we go.. this is the best explanation of me i can give.

i'm the youngest of two brothers and a sister. not the spoiled child, but someone no one ever understood, couldn't help, and eventually couldn't really stand to be around. a lot of this has to to with my bpd coupled with the events that followed my moms twin sister dying when i was twelve. my family told me she was going to live when they knew she would die and i guess from then on we've had a crap relationship. they're amazing ppl though. they taught me to work hard, be smart, do what i love, be my own person, be strong.. but they've probably been the biggest challenge in my life. more then anything i want them to like me, know me, be proud of me.. heh i'm workin on that.

i believe that i'm beautiful, but i didn't always feel that way. my slender build, pretty green eyes, and slender build was never viewed that way by me till i was in my last years of high school. i used to layer on the clothes to cover up what i thought was a hideous body. now with my awesome fashion sense (yeah, i'm a bit confident in it) i pretty much don't give two shits what ppl think of how i look. i can white trash it better then you and three hours later, i can look like a beauty queen. i'm comfortable and confident, NOT stuck up.

i believe most of this lack of self confidence came from the horrible things that happened to me in childhood. i hated every single thing about myself to a pathetic and disgusting point. I was reading stitched the other day, the girl in it felt a lot of the same ways i used to, and it makes me sick to think about. i didn't believe i was worthy to live. some days those thoughts still cross my mind but i'm pretty good at controlling them.

i grew up mormon- at first i was a self righteous bitch, then i was athiest, and now i've found a great medium. why the tattoo's and facial piercing? the lip ring i must confess i just like.. the tattoo's mean something. inspire on one wrist to remind me that life isn't worth living if i'm not helping someone else, an believe so i remember to believe in everything: the situation, myself, that it'll be okay, etc. so how did i go from such a bitch, who hated herself, who hated everyone, everything? After all the shit i went through in my younger years, and mind you, there was a lOT of shit, i just woke up one day and wanted to be a good person, the best person i could be. haha thats it.. i stopped pretending to be millions of things i wasn't, i stopped doing things for others, i stopped hiding my shortcomings, and i started loving myself for ME. it took a while. a long while. but i'm sooo very grateful i did it. if you knew me then, the changes are like night and day.

so yeah. i'm still bitchy but only if you really rub me wrong. i'm compassionate and empathetic, sometimes too much so. i forgive too easily. i'm blunt and honest which mostly gets me in trouble. i see the good in everyone.. which also gets me in trouble. i find the most pleasure in writing, reading poetry, sitting outside, being with animals and little kids, and doing simple fun things with best friends. i'm a nerd till the end.. harry potter, wow, halo, stuff like that. i get along better with boys then girls.. i don't care what you think unless i believe your opinion is important and valid. i'm really smart. i'm also a ball of fire, don't forget that, or it'll come back to bite you. i have a weird sense of humor that you probably won't appreciate. i love to help people. i wanna study psychology or writing, and have recently become interested in behavioral analysis (i think i'll make it a hobby).

i'm super stubborn, strong willed, and opinionated. i love too deeply and often get hurt because i'm so damn sensitive. i've made ridiculous amounts of mistakes but i've learned from most of them. i'm probably someone you won't understand or even like until you get to the very deep layers inside of me. all of that takes much time but it's worth it.

i'm also the kind of girl that nothing mattered but growing up, getting a great job, going to school, getting married, and having kids. yeah okay i'm not one of THOSE creeps, i just really like being grown up. it's hard.. but it gives me a sense of accomplishment that i get from nothing else. maturity is something i prize- i never want to stop exploring the world, becoming my wise, more understanding.

throughout my life i've been through and surrounded by abuse of all kinds, death, suicide, self harm, substance abuse, being homeless, disowned by my family, lies, crappy boyfriend relationsihps, betrayed by friends, pregnant and single, and many more dark things that i'm grateful i went through. yeah. it all made me who i am today and made me appreciate the light even more.. but mostly helped me learn how to love myself and others, and showed me whats important in life is the good things we do and the difference we make.

i have a great family, great friends, a great life. yeah, i hate it sometimes, i cry a lot, i have lots of stres, more then any person my age should, and sometimes i want to give up, but i wouldn't trade it in for anything. nothing!

now i'm just rambling. i do that a lot. i'll finish this later i guess, adding things as i see fit, just whatever from my past that i think would help or make sense to share.

btw, never was any of this, or is any of this, about acceptance, looking cool, whatever. i don't give a shit what you think. at the end of the day, i'm not looking for your approval, but my own. i'm my toughest critic. i'm not attention seeking, i don't want pity, in fact most of the reason i'm sharing these things is to help others if i can. if one person can read this and relate to it, that'll be great. i always was looking for ppl that had gone through the same as me, to get help from, advice from, to know that i wasn't alone or crazy.. so put simply, if you think i'm just a stupid attention seeking drama queen girl, first, i hope you know you're incompetent, and that i don't give a crap what you think, so please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all, or i'll be forced to shut your mouth for you :]

Friday, May 14, 2010

Losing in love

it's funny.. it really is just losing a best friend, someone i shaped my life around, someone i love more then anything else. i miss him lots but.. it's for the best i think. we'll see how it all plays out.

my caseworker said something great.. that we wouldn't let our best friends treat us like we like people in relationships treat us. we only tolerate so much from them until we're done, but with significant others, we just keep making excuses for them, keep holding on when we shouldn't.

what hurts the most is not being treated badly, but the fact that you know you're letting it happen.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

reaching the end

i just met with my caseworker and i'm going to start really closing options. i'm sooo excited, but really scared. since i'm almost positive that i'm going to be a single parent, i'm just going to start down that path so i'm starting to figure out budgets, child support, school, work, how much baby stuff is going to be, all of that jazz. sigh. it's super crazy emotional for me to be doing this, but at the same time it's kinda relieving a lot of pressure that waiting was putting on me. I still have an overwhelming amount of stuff to figure out but.. i'm starting to get somewhere. my goal is to know what i'm doing by the time i know what i'm having.

wish me luck heh.

Monday, May 10, 2010

It's amazing to me

how much everything in my life can be going great, fabulous even, and stupid relationships with boys can mess it up. Why does it affect me so much more then everything else? must be a girl thing and it probably doesn't help that i'm all prego and emotional. ugh, sometimes i just don't understand what God is trying to have me learn, why things had to go this way, etc.

i mean idk. it takes two ppl to get pregnant, i wish it took two ppl to be pregnant. in the words of the wise juno, "at least you don't have to wear the evidence under your sweater." i guess thats what i get for having an illegit child with a guy who doesn't love me :/

on a much brighter note, mothers day was pretty good, we had a really nice party. it was weird being included into the festivities. doesn't much seem like i'm a mother yet. I've finally hit the five month mark, 20 weeks, the halfway point :] :] :] which is awesome sauce. i'm sooo excited. The baby is getting bigger, squishing my guts more, and yes, kicking lots more and with more force.

Things are looking about the same as they've been, a bit up and down but it's kinda leveling out. i am looking into school and work which will be really good. i can't wait to go to school. hopefully i'll be able to make a decision on the baby soon so i can't start into preparing all of the many things i need to get ready for it to come.

Monday, May 3, 2010

When it rains

it pours. but after every storm, there's a rainbow.

I've been dedicating myself to a ridiculous amount of self change and also decision making surrounding my child and it's been so hard.. so many obstacles keep arising. every time i take a step forward, i feel like i get pushed two more steps back. i'm so blessed to have this life though, and to be going through this trial right now, because i am learning and growing sooo much from it, and i get to see God's hand in almost my every day life. i'm proud of how much i've grown, i just hope i have the strength to keep on and keep growing and learning like i have been. i've never been through a harder challenge in my life, but i've also never been so blessed in my life.

it feels great to have the church in my life again, and to be changing myself for the better.

yes, this really did just come from the girl with tattoos and a lip ring :]

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

adopt a dog?

I decided to cleanse my life. just cleanse it of everyone or everything that i've been waiting for, thats hurting me, all of that stuff, and replace it with good things. I'm going to build the kind of life for myself that i want and stop waiting for things or people to fall into place.

Also, i'm still having creepy things happen in my house.. last night, a door just slammed out of nowhere so i thought someone had like broken in.. pretty sure i'm gonna ask my parents if i can either get a roommate or a dog. I highly doubt they'll let me get a dog but it'd be perfect if i could.. i already have a kennel, i'd have someone to go on walks with, and someone to keep me company in a huge creepy house. we'll see if i can convince the ole' animal haters to let me get one.. This could be a perfect opportunity for me to adopt a dog from a shelter like i've always wanted to, though i'd have to get one that doesn't shed much at all and probably one that my dads not allergic too. we'll see what my parents say..

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

BPD

So BPD sounds bad.. haha it really does, but it's basically just an emotional disregulatory disorder type of thing. Put simply, I just never learned how to express or deal with certain emotions like other people did. It's like i'm a puzzle with a few pieces missing. I do some different things that I learned instead to deal with my emotions but they're very unhealthy and come off weird to others. I'm not nuts, I'm not a mental case, I just have a few missing links I need to learn to fill in.

Now when I recently found out thats what I had, I was like okay, sweet, I'll learn all about it.. which I did, and it was very reassuring to me to find out that after going through intensive treatment for it for the next year, I wouldn't have the disorder anymore. But then.. people starting finding out that I had BPD. I tried to involve my family and Allens family closely with everything so they could understand since they're the closest to me.

This wasn't a total loss. My mom has caught on. I believe with time, everyone else will catch on too.. but it's become harder for me then before I was diagnosed. Everything is my fault because I have a "condition". I often get told to just "stop it". I often get accused of being manipulative or loving drama. BPD is something you develop when you're young, so its not something i chose. I can't just "stop it" or else i wouldn't have to go through intensive treatment for a year.. and the things i do are just split second reactions, not things i plot and plan out. If you really know me, you know i'm like the most sensitive person, who could never intentionally hurt someone. Now, most of everyone is just avoiding me until I make enough progress in their eyes.. which is sooo hard because right now, I need people more then anything else, plus I can already see a tremendous amount of improvements in myself.

It hurts more then I could even begin to explain to have people treat me like this. They're the people I love, that I rely on, specially now in this hard time I'm going through with this pregnancy.. and now this? I feel responsible for my condition to the point where i hate myself because I have it. I avoid people because I'm afraid that it'll affect them and because I feel unworthy of their love when I don't even love myself. It's such a trial for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, I've learned a lot, but I just feel so.. alone. Nothing hurts worse then having the ones you love the most turn their backs to you.

I'm confident that things will get better.. but until then, all I can do is grin and bear it, and just keep going without them. But what if even after I recover, they don't see it, and i'm plagued by it for the rest of my life? I just don't even know. Sometimes I feel like I just need to leave, meet all new people, and start over. I guess i'll cross that bridge when I come to it..

For now, I just need to keep busy, and just keep swimmin.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Ultrasound

Once I can figure out this scanner, and how to put up pictures, I'll post up the ultrasound pictures. Unfortunately the baby was really low down and in a position where we couldn't find out the sex but.. we're right on schedule with my due date :] the baby is healthy (it kicks me lots) and it's the size it's supposed to be at this point so thats really nice to hear. It was so amazing for me and Allen to be able to watch our baby move inside of me. We got to see it's little head, spine, leg, and even a hand :] oh and don't forget the heartbeat. Hopefully in my appointment in six weeks, we'll be able to find out what we're having. For now, I guess I just have to excersize some patience.. sigh.. something I have always lacked haha.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I believe in angels

"I'm sorry I have to tell you this because it might sound a bit weird, but please try to hear me out. I think to some degree I am supposed to tell you something or let you know something, but to be honest I am not sure what to do or say. I just have this inherent feeling that I am supposed to look after you and I feel like I have to do something, but I feel a bit powerless in my siuation. If not for you please just for me, let me know how you are doing. For some reason a bunch of things keep worrying me about things. Maybe I am wrong. Hopefully I am wrong so that you are fine and all is well, but for now I am a bit worried.
Maybe I can only do so much for now, but as my great calling implies and as a personal witness of my God I can leave you my testimony. Melissa, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you so much, unconditionally. They know everything that you are going through, good and bad. Please don't give up. It's all very worth it. Not just because I promise, be because they promise. God loves you so much. Mel, I love you so much. As your friend, I am truely here for you."

I got that letter in the mail a few hours ago. Twenty minutes before I had read it, I had decided to give up on everything in my life. I am currently so sick from stress that I'm unable to eat, i rarely leave my bed, i sleep most of the day away, and become weaker with all the time that passes. It's scaring me. When i read this letter that was sent by my dear missionary friend, tears immediatly came to my eyes. "Please don't give up" "Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you so much, unconditionally". It's hard to believe that anyone loves me unconditionally, given what I am. I guess i forget too often about the support that I do have- in heaven, and with my baby.

No words can describe what i'm going through right now, so i'm not even going to try. I know that i'll be fine. What matters most are the blessings i am recieving. It matters not that I fell, because i was picked up. Please remember that. It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it.

He is the trial and the blessing

The demons inside me
Reside within
Eating away at my soul
Underneath my skin

Unseen until
I let them out
With the shed of a tear
& the opening of my mouth

I try to catch them
End them for eternity
But without proper tools
They run free

Teach me, Lord
Make the demons go away
I never asked them here
I never wanted them to stay

For it is Your trial
Given by Your hand
Only you have the answers
For me to overcome and understand

A Secret Shield

A life so small
Inside me grows.
A saving force
But no one knows-
A secret shield
Against my death,
A sword to kill demons
That reside within my chest.

Oh Lord, you've sent me this child,
I know not it's face,
I know not it's sex,
I've never met him or her,
I haven't chosen a name,
But this baby has been my saving grace.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

So I guess I'm starting a blog

I've been debating for a while on weather I should start one or not and finally decided to just make myself do it. This is probably the best time to start a blog in my life. I've always tried to keep journals and I just get sick of handwriting them so I never finish so hopefully this will work out lots better.

I don't have much time today to go into details about my life so I'll just start with a few facts of whats going on and elaborate later on when I have access to internet and the time to write it all out.

I'm 19, single, LDS (sort of inactive but becoming more active at the moment), and was born in California but I was raised in Utah from the time I was two and a half. I'm roughly seventeen weeks pregnant. I actually get to have my first ultrasound this monday and hopefully find out if I'm having a boy or a girl. I'm currently working through LDS Family Services in AF to make a decision through facts and through the Lord weather I should go with adoption, being a single mom, or trying to make marraige work out with the birth father. I have recently started DBT therapy about a month or so ago after I was diagnosed with BPD. I will be attending this therapy for at least a year. Research shows within six months to six years, people with BPD have recovered and no longer have the symptoms to be diagnosed with BPD. So through this therapy and this journey I'm on with being a single pregnant teenager, I should be starting a drastically new life within this next year. It's been hell so far, and I'm sure the worst is not over yet, but I've grown more in the last three months then I think I ever have in my entire life.

Trials are blessings they say.. Lets see if I can get through mine.