Wednesday, April 28, 2010

adopt a dog?

I decided to cleanse my life. just cleanse it of everyone or everything that i've been waiting for, thats hurting me, all of that stuff, and replace it with good things. I'm going to build the kind of life for myself that i want and stop waiting for things or people to fall into place.

Also, i'm still having creepy things happen in my house.. last night, a door just slammed out of nowhere so i thought someone had like broken in.. pretty sure i'm gonna ask my parents if i can either get a roommate or a dog. I highly doubt they'll let me get a dog but it'd be perfect if i could.. i already have a kennel, i'd have someone to go on walks with, and someone to keep me company in a huge creepy house. we'll see if i can convince the ole' animal haters to let me get one.. This could be a perfect opportunity for me to adopt a dog from a shelter like i've always wanted to, though i'd have to get one that doesn't shed much at all and probably one that my dads not allergic too. we'll see what my parents say..

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

BPD

So BPD sounds bad.. haha it really does, but it's basically just an emotional disregulatory disorder type of thing. Put simply, I just never learned how to express or deal with certain emotions like other people did. It's like i'm a puzzle with a few pieces missing. I do some different things that I learned instead to deal with my emotions but they're very unhealthy and come off weird to others. I'm not nuts, I'm not a mental case, I just have a few missing links I need to learn to fill in.

Now when I recently found out thats what I had, I was like okay, sweet, I'll learn all about it.. which I did, and it was very reassuring to me to find out that after going through intensive treatment for it for the next year, I wouldn't have the disorder anymore. But then.. people starting finding out that I had BPD. I tried to involve my family and Allens family closely with everything so they could understand since they're the closest to me.

This wasn't a total loss. My mom has caught on. I believe with time, everyone else will catch on too.. but it's become harder for me then before I was diagnosed. Everything is my fault because I have a "condition". I often get told to just "stop it". I often get accused of being manipulative or loving drama. BPD is something you develop when you're young, so its not something i chose. I can't just "stop it" or else i wouldn't have to go through intensive treatment for a year.. and the things i do are just split second reactions, not things i plot and plan out. If you really know me, you know i'm like the most sensitive person, who could never intentionally hurt someone. Now, most of everyone is just avoiding me until I make enough progress in their eyes.. which is sooo hard because right now, I need people more then anything else, plus I can already see a tremendous amount of improvements in myself.

It hurts more then I could even begin to explain to have people treat me like this. They're the people I love, that I rely on, specially now in this hard time I'm going through with this pregnancy.. and now this? I feel responsible for my condition to the point where i hate myself because I have it. I avoid people because I'm afraid that it'll affect them and because I feel unworthy of their love when I don't even love myself. It's such a trial for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, I've learned a lot, but I just feel so.. alone. Nothing hurts worse then having the ones you love the most turn their backs to you.

I'm confident that things will get better.. but until then, all I can do is grin and bear it, and just keep going without them. But what if even after I recover, they don't see it, and i'm plagued by it for the rest of my life? I just don't even know. Sometimes I feel like I just need to leave, meet all new people, and start over. I guess i'll cross that bridge when I come to it..

For now, I just need to keep busy, and just keep swimmin.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Ultrasound

Once I can figure out this scanner, and how to put up pictures, I'll post up the ultrasound pictures. Unfortunately the baby was really low down and in a position where we couldn't find out the sex but.. we're right on schedule with my due date :] the baby is healthy (it kicks me lots) and it's the size it's supposed to be at this point so thats really nice to hear. It was so amazing for me and Allen to be able to watch our baby move inside of me. We got to see it's little head, spine, leg, and even a hand :] oh and don't forget the heartbeat. Hopefully in my appointment in six weeks, we'll be able to find out what we're having. For now, I guess I just have to excersize some patience.. sigh.. something I have always lacked haha.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I believe in angels

"I'm sorry I have to tell you this because it might sound a bit weird, but please try to hear me out. I think to some degree I am supposed to tell you something or let you know something, but to be honest I am not sure what to do or say. I just have this inherent feeling that I am supposed to look after you and I feel like I have to do something, but I feel a bit powerless in my siuation. If not for you please just for me, let me know how you are doing. For some reason a bunch of things keep worrying me about things. Maybe I am wrong. Hopefully I am wrong so that you are fine and all is well, but for now I am a bit worried.
Maybe I can only do so much for now, but as my great calling implies and as a personal witness of my God I can leave you my testimony. Melissa, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you so much, unconditionally. They know everything that you are going through, good and bad. Please don't give up. It's all very worth it. Not just because I promise, be because they promise. God loves you so much. Mel, I love you so much. As your friend, I am truely here for you."

I got that letter in the mail a few hours ago. Twenty minutes before I had read it, I had decided to give up on everything in my life. I am currently so sick from stress that I'm unable to eat, i rarely leave my bed, i sleep most of the day away, and become weaker with all the time that passes. It's scaring me. When i read this letter that was sent by my dear missionary friend, tears immediatly came to my eyes. "Please don't give up" "Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you so much, unconditionally". It's hard to believe that anyone loves me unconditionally, given what I am. I guess i forget too often about the support that I do have- in heaven, and with my baby.

No words can describe what i'm going through right now, so i'm not even going to try. I know that i'll be fine. What matters most are the blessings i am recieving. It matters not that I fell, because i was picked up. Please remember that. It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it.

He is the trial and the blessing

The demons inside me
Reside within
Eating away at my soul
Underneath my skin

Unseen until
I let them out
With the shed of a tear
& the opening of my mouth

I try to catch them
End them for eternity
But without proper tools
They run free

Teach me, Lord
Make the demons go away
I never asked them here
I never wanted them to stay

For it is Your trial
Given by Your hand
Only you have the answers
For me to overcome and understand

A Secret Shield

A life so small
Inside me grows.
A saving force
But no one knows-
A secret shield
Against my death,
A sword to kill demons
That reside within my chest.

Oh Lord, you've sent me this child,
I know not it's face,
I know not it's sex,
I've never met him or her,
I haven't chosen a name,
But this baby has been my saving grace.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

So I guess I'm starting a blog

I've been debating for a while on weather I should start one or not and finally decided to just make myself do it. This is probably the best time to start a blog in my life. I've always tried to keep journals and I just get sick of handwriting them so I never finish so hopefully this will work out lots better.

I don't have much time today to go into details about my life so I'll just start with a few facts of whats going on and elaborate later on when I have access to internet and the time to write it all out.

I'm 19, single, LDS (sort of inactive but becoming more active at the moment), and was born in California but I was raised in Utah from the time I was two and a half. I'm roughly seventeen weeks pregnant. I actually get to have my first ultrasound this monday and hopefully find out if I'm having a boy or a girl. I'm currently working through LDS Family Services in AF to make a decision through facts and through the Lord weather I should go with adoption, being a single mom, or trying to make marraige work out with the birth father. I have recently started DBT therapy about a month or so ago after I was diagnosed with BPD. I will be attending this therapy for at least a year. Research shows within six months to six years, people with BPD have recovered and no longer have the symptoms to be diagnosed with BPD. So through this therapy and this journey I'm on with being a single pregnant teenager, I should be starting a drastically new life within this next year. It's been hell so far, and I'm sure the worst is not over yet, but I've grown more in the last three months then I think I ever have in my entire life.

Trials are blessings they say.. Lets see if I can get through mine.