Tuesday, April 27, 2010

BPD

So BPD sounds bad.. haha it really does, but it's basically just an emotional disregulatory disorder type of thing. Put simply, I just never learned how to express or deal with certain emotions like other people did. It's like i'm a puzzle with a few pieces missing. I do some different things that I learned instead to deal with my emotions but they're very unhealthy and come off weird to others. I'm not nuts, I'm not a mental case, I just have a few missing links I need to learn to fill in.

Now when I recently found out thats what I had, I was like okay, sweet, I'll learn all about it.. which I did, and it was very reassuring to me to find out that after going through intensive treatment for it for the next year, I wouldn't have the disorder anymore. But then.. people starting finding out that I had BPD. I tried to involve my family and Allens family closely with everything so they could understand since they're the closest to me.

This wasn't a total loss. My mom has caught on. I believe with time, everyone else will catch on too.. but it's become harder for me then before I was diagnosed. Everything is my fault because I have a "condition". I often get told to just "stop it". I often get accused of being manipulative or loving drama. BPD is something you develop when you're young, so its not something i chose. I can't just "stop it" or else i wouldn't have to go through intensive treatment for a year.. and the things i do are just split second reactions, not things i plot and plan out. If you really know me, you know i'm like the most sensitive person, who could never intentionally hurt someone. Now, most of everyone is just avoiding me until I make enough progress in their eyes.. which is sooo hard because right now, I need people more then anything else, plus I can already see a tremendous amount of improvements in myself.

It hurts more then I could even begin to explain to have people treat me like this. They're the people I love, that I rely on, specially now in this hard time I'm going through with this pregnancy.. and now this? I feel responsible for my condition to the point where i hate myself because I have it. I avoid people because I'm afraid that it'll affect them and because I feel unworthy of their love when I don't even love myself. It's such a trial for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, I've learned a lot, but I just feel so.. alone. Nothing hurts worse then having the ones you love the most turn their backs to you.

I'm confident that things will get better.. but until then, all I can do is grin and bear it, and just keep going without them. But what if even after I recover, they don't see it, and i'm plagued by it for the rest of my life? I just don't even know. Sometimes I feel like I just need to leave, meet all new people, and start over. I guess i'll cross that bridge when I come to it..

For now, I just need to keep busy, and just keep swimmin.

1 comment:

  1. btw I don't avoid you, I just never see you.

    Just keep swimming little Momo (kinda like little nemo..but Momo..get it :D hahahahha)

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