Friday, May 28, 2010

me time

i've really just forgotten how much i just NEED my me time. i guess i don't ever think about it but being on vacation right now is a reminder of this. i find myself spending, or wanting to spend, more time away from everyone else on that particular vacation then spend time doing things there. i've enjoyed having the time to sit back, relax, feel my babies movements in my belly (and guess how it's positioned in there lol), read, nap, watch tv, and just sit quietly. tis weird cuz these things are kinda out of character for me haha.

oh and i swear all i want to do is plan baby stuff now. it's on my mind 24/7. i definitely have baby on the brain haha. :]

ohhh.. and btw, i've made my decision about keeping the baby/placing the baby for adoption soooo.. i'll have to post that up here soon and what helped me get to that decision. :] :] :]

Saturday, May 22, 2010

do the best you can

so here i sit
pregnant belly bursting out of me
(i really am just like huge)
and i can't help but stop and think
about all the changes (not just in size)
but in me in the last few months

i've had two ppl in the last few days comment
on how much i've grown up in the last few months
and i guess i should be happy
but all i can focus on is how far i need to go from here
with tears streaming down my face
i've attempted for the millionth time tonight
to figure out education and jobs
and all i get is a "melissa, thats not gonna be enough money"
from my dad for the 60 seconds he spares
to even talk to me about it
then my thoughts wander to how i'm single
and pretty much alone in this
how i'm dependent on everyone
i think about all the "you cant's"
how its saturday and i have nothing to do tonight
or any night really for that matter
haha how i'm in my parents office
crying about all of this.

i wonder if i would've known
that this was the decision i was making
that my life was going to turn out like this
would i have done everything the same?

i guess thats why the big mans in charge and i'm not lol
and i guess i have a lot to be thankful for too
that i'm just not focusing on right now

i've watched sooo much sixteen and pregnant
yeah, i'm addicted
and it really makes me grateful how much older
i am and how much more experience i have
even though it's overwhelming and i don't
know some days if i'll be able to do it
i know that god will make a way.

a lady stood up in church and talked about
how she had a trial she needed to overcome and figure out
so she asked god about it
and just felt overwhelmed like she could never do it
but then she heard from someone that you
should do the best you can and god
will make up the rest
so she did that and everything has worked out.

i try to think of this at stupid moments like these
where i just feel like everything is so wrong
and soooo impossible
when i feel so alone and lost

hopefully tomorrow will be better eh?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Introduction to me

so here i sit, facebooking my life away, when i come across a link to my friends blog, so i read it, love it of course, and then realize.. wtf. i never even introduced myself. So here we go.. this is the best explanation of me i can give.

i'm the youngest of two brothers and a sister. not the spoiled child, but someone no one ever understood, couldn't help, and eventually couldn't really stand to be around. a lot of this has to to with my bpd coupled with the events that followed my moms twin sister dying when i was twelve. my family told me she was going to live when they knew she would die and i guess from then on we've had a crap relationship. they're amazing ppl though. they taught me to work hard, be smart, do what i love, be my own person, be strong.. but they've probably been the biggest challenge in my life. more then anything i want them to like me, know me, be proud of me.. heh i'm workin on that.

i believe that i'm beautiful, but i didn't always feel that way. my slender build, pretty green eyes, and slender build was never viewed that way by me till i was in my last years of high school. i used to layer on the clothes to cover up what i thought was a hideous body. now with my awesome fashion sense (yeah, i'm a bit confident in it) i pretty much don't give two shits what ppl think of how i look. i can white trash it better then you and three hours later, i can look like a beauty queen. i'm comfortable and confident, NOT stuck up.

i believe most of this lack of self confidence came from the horrible things that happened to me in childhood. i hated every single thing about myself to a pathetic and disgusting point. I was reading stitched the other day, the girl in it felt a lot of the same ways i used to, and it makes me sick to think about. i didn't believe i was worthy to live. some days those thoughts still cross my mind but i'm pretty good at controlling them.

i grew up mormon- at first i was a self righteous bitch, then i was athiest, and now i've found a great medium. why the tattoo's and facial piercing? the lip ring i must confess i just like.. the tattoo's mean something. inspire on one wrist to remind me that life isn't worth living if i'm not helping someone else, an believe so i remember to believe in everything: the situation, myself, that it'll be okay, etc. so how did i go from such a bitch, who hated herself, who hated everyone, everything? After all the shit i went through in my younger years, and mind you, there was a lOT of shit, i just woke up one day and wanted to be a good person, the best person i could be. haha thats it.. i stopped pretending to be millions of things i wasn't, i stopped doing things for others, i stopped hiding my shortcomings, and i started loving myself for ME. it took a while. a long while. but i'm sooo very grateful i did it. if you knew me then, the changes are like night and day.

so yeah. i'm still bitchy but only if you really rub me wrong. i'm compassionate and empathetic, sometimes too much so. i forgive too easily. i'm blunt and honest which mostly gets me in trouble. i see the good in everyone.. which also gets me in trouble. i find the most pleasure in writing, reading poetry, sitting outside, being with animals and little kids, and doing simple fun things with best friends. i'm a nerd till the end.. harry potter, wow, halo, stuff like that. i get along better with boys then girls.. i don't care what you think unless i believe your opinion is important and valid. i'm really smart. i'm also a ball of fire, don't forget that, or it'll come back to bite you. i have a weird sense of humor that you probably won't appreciate. i love to help people. i wanna study psychology or writing, and have recently become interested in behavioral analysis (i think i'll make it a hobby).

i'm super stubborn, strong willed, and opinionated. i love too deeply and often get hurt because i'm so damn sensitive. i've made ridiculous amounts of mistakes but i've learned from most of them. i'm probably someone you won't understand or even like until you get to the very deep layers inside of me. all of that takes much time but it's worth it.

i'm also the kind of girl that nothing mattered but growing up, getting a great job, going to school, getting married, and having kids. yeah okay i'm not one of THOSE creeps, i just really like being grown up. it's hard.. but it gives me a sense of accomplishment that i get from nothing else. maturity is something i prize- i never want to stop exploring the world, becoming my wise, more understanding.

throughout my life i've been through and surrounded by abuse of all kinds, death, suicide, self harm, substance abuse, being homeless, disowned by my family, lies, crappy boyfriend relationsihps, betrayed by friends, pregnant and single, and many more dark things that i'm grateful i went through. yeah. it all made me who i am today and made me appreciate the light even more.. but mostly helped me learn how to love myself and others, and showed me whats important in life is the good things we do and the difference we make.

i have a great family, great friends, a great life. yeah, i hate it sometimes, i cry a lot, i have lots of stres, more then any person my age should, and sometimes i want to give up, but i wouldn't trade it in for anything. nothing!

now i'm just rambling. i do that a lot. i'll finish this later i guess, adding things as i see fit, just whatever from my past that i think would help or make sense to share.

btw, never was any of this, or is any of this, about acceptance, looking cool, whatever. i don't give a shit what you think. at the end of the day, i'm not looking for your approval, but my own. i'm my toughest critic. i'm not attention seeking, i don't want pity, in fact most of the reason i'm sharing these things is to help others if i can. if one person can read this and relate to it, that'll be great. i always was looking for ppl that had gone through the same as me, to get help from, advice from, to know that i wasn't alone or crazy.. so put simply, if you think i'm just a stupid attention seeking drama queen girl, first, i hope you know you're incompetent, and that i don't give a crap what you think, so please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all, or i'll be forced to shut your mouth for you :]

Friday, May 14, 2010

Losing in love

it's funny.. it really is just losing a best friend, someone i shaped my life around, someone i love more then anything else. i miss him lots but.. it's for the best i think. we'll see how it all plays out.

my caseworker said something great.. that we wouldn't let our best friends treat us like we like people in relationships treat us. we only tolerate so much from them until we're done, but with significant others, we just keep making excuses for them, keep holding on when we shouldn't.

what hurts the most is not being treated badly, but the fact that you know you're letting it happen.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

reaching the end

i just met with my caseworker and i'm going to start really closing options. i'm sooo excited, but really scared. since i'm almost positive that i'm going to be a single parent, i'm just going to start down that path so i'm starting to figure out budgets, child support, school, work, how much baby stuff is going to be, all of that jazz. sigh. it's super crazy emotional for me to be doing this, but at the same time it's kinda relieving a lot of pressure that waiting was putting on me. I still have an overwhelming amount of stuff to figure out but.. i'm starting to get somewhere. my goal is to know what i'm doing by the time i know what i'm having.

wish me luck heh.

Monday, May 10, 2010

It's amazing to me

how much everything in my life can be going great, fabulous even, and stupid relationships with boys can mess it up. Why does it affect me so much more then everything else? must be a girl thing and it probably doesn't help that i'm all prego and emotional. ugh, sometimes i just don't understand what God is trying to have me learn, why things had to go this way, etc.

i mean idk. it takes two ppl to get pregnant, i wish it took two ppl to be pregnant. in the words of the wise juno, "at least you don't have to wear the evidence under your sweater." i guess thats what i get for having an illegit child with a guy who doesn't love me :/

on a much brighter note, mothers day was pretty good, we had a really nice party. it was weird being included into the festivities. doesn't much seem like i'm a mother yet. I've finally hit the five month mark, 20 weeks, the halfway point :] :] :] which is awesome sauce. i'm sooo excited. The baby is getting bigger, squishing my guts more, and yes, kicking lots more and with more force.

Things are looking about the same as they've been, a bit up and down but it's kinda leveling out. i am looking into school and work which will be really good. i can't wait to go to school. hopefully i'll be able to make a decision on the baby soon so i can't start into preparing all of the many things i need to get ready for it to come.

Monday, May 3, 2010

When it rains

it pours. but after every storm, there's a rainbow.

I've been dedicating myself to a ridiculous amount of self change and also decision making surrounding my child and it's been so hard.. so many obstacles keep arising. every time i take a step forward, i feel like i get pushed two more steps back. i'm so blessed to have this life though, and to be going through this trial right now, because i am learning and growing sooo much from it, and i get to see God's hand in almost my every day life. i'm proud of how much i've grown, i just hope i have the strength to keep on and keep growing and learning like i have been. i've never been through a harder challenge in my life, but i've also never been so blessed in my life.

it feels great to have the church in my life again, and to be changing myself for the better.

yes, this really did just come from the girl with tattoos and a lip ring :]