Monday, May 17, 2010

Introduction to me

so here i sit, facebooking my life away, when i come across a link to my friends blog, so i read it, love it of course, and then realize.. wtf. i never even introduced myself. So here we go.. this is the best explanation of me i can give.

i'm the youngest of two brothers and a sister. not the spoiled child, but someone no one ever understood, couldn't help, and eventually couldn't really stand to be around. a lot of this has to to with my bpd coupled with the events that followed my moms twin sister dying when i was twelve. my family told me she was going to live when they knew she would die and i guess from then on we've had a crap relationship. they're amazing ppl though. they taught me to work hard, be smart, do what i love, be my own person, be strong.. but they've probably been the biggest challenge in my life. more then anything i want them to like me, know me, be proud of me.. heh i'm workin on that.

i believe that i'm beautiful, but i didn't always feel that way. my slender build, pretty green eyes, and slender build was never viewed that way by me till i was in my last years of high school. i used to layer on the clothes to cover up what i thought was a hideous body. now with my awesome fashion sense (yeah, i'm a bit confident in it) i pretty much don't give two shits what ppl think of how i look. i can white trash it better then you and three hours later, i can look like a beauty queen. i'm comfortable and confident, NOT stuck up.

i believe most of this lack of self confidence came from the horrible things that happened to me in childhood. i hated every single thing about myself to a pathetic and disgusting point. I was reading stitched the other day, the girl in it felt a lot of the same ways i used to, and it makes me sick to think about. i didn't believe i was worthy to live. some days those thoughts still cross my mind but i'm pretty good at controlling them.

i grew up mormon- at first i was a self righteous bitch, then i was athiest, and now i've found a great medium. why the tattoo's and facial piercing? the lip ring i must confess i just like.. the tattoo's mean something. inspire on one wrist to remind me that life isn't worth living if i'm not helping someone else, an believe so i remember to believe in everything: the situation, myself, that it'll be okay, etc. so how did i go from such a bitch, who hated herself, who hated everyone, everything? After all the shit i went through in my younger years, and mind you, there was a lOT of shit, i just woke up one day and wanted to be a good person, the best person i could be. haha thats it.. i stopped pretending to be millions of things i wasn't, i stopped doing things for others, i stopped hiding my shortcomings, and i started loving myself for ME. it took a while. a long while. but i'm sooo very grateful i did it. if you knew me then, the changes are like night and day.

so yeah. i'm still bitchy but only if you really rub me wrong. i'm compassionate and empathetic, sometimes too much so. i forgive too easily. i'm blunt and honest which mostly gets me in trouble. i see the good in everyone.. which also gets me in trouble. i find the most pleasure in writing, reading poetry, sitting outside, being with animals and little kids, and doing simple fun things with best friends. i'm a nerd till the end.. harry potter, wow, halo, stuff like that. i get along better with boys then girls.. i don't care what you think unless i believe your opinion is important and valid. i'm really smart. i'm also a ball of fire, don't forget that, or it'll come back to bite you. i have a weird sense of humor that you probably won't appreciate. i love to help people. i wanna study psychology or writing, and have recently become interested in behavioral analysis (i think i'll make it a hobby).

i'm super stubborn, strong willed, and opinionated. i love too deeply and often get hurt because i'm so damn sensitive. i've made ridiculous amounts of mistakes but i've learned from most of them. i'm probably someone you won't understand or even like until you get to the very deep layers inside of me. all of that takes much time but it's worth it.

i'm also the kind of girl that nothing mattered but growing up, getting a great job, going to school, getting married, and having kids. yeah okay i'm not one of THOSE creeps, i just really like being grown up. it's hard.. but it gives me a sense of accomplishment that i get from nothing else. maturity is something i prize- i never want to stop exploring the world, becoming my wise, more understanding.

throughout my life i've been through and surrounded by abuse of all kinds, death, suicide, self harm, substance abuse, being homeless, disowned by my family, lies, crappy boyfriend relationsihps, betrayed by friends, pregnant and single, and many more dark things that i'm grateful i went through. yeah. it all made me who i am today and made me appreciate the light even more.. but mostly helped me learn how to love myself and others, and showed me whats important in life is the good things we do and the difference we make.

i have a great family, great friends, a great life. yeah, i hate it sometimes, i cry a lot, i have lots of stres, more then any person my age should, and sometimes i want to give up, but i wouldn't trade it in for anything. nothing!

now i'm just rambling. i do that a lot. i'll finish this later i guess, adding things as i see fit, just whatever from my past that i think would help or make sense to share.

btw, never was any of this, or is any of this, about acceptance, looking cool, whatever. i don't give a shit what you think. at the end of the day, i'm not looking for your approval, but my own. i'm my toughest critic. i'm not attention seeking, i don't want pity, in fact most of the reason i'm sharing these things is to help others if i can. if one person can read this and relate to it, that'll be great. i always was looking for ppl that had gone through the same as me, to get help from, advice from, to know that i wasn't alone or crazy.. so put simply, if you think i'm just a stupid attention seeking drama queen girl, first, i hope you know you're incompetent, and that i don't give a crap what you think, so please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all, or i'll be forced to shut your mouth for you :]

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