Sunday, June 13, 2010

decisions and ultrasounds

first off, i went to my ultrasound and.. it's a boy :] which, btw, i wasn't too excited about at first, cuz one, i was hell bent on having a girl (i have three nephews, no nieces), two, i don't want a spitting image of the father (that'd just be too painful), and third i don't know how i'm going to raise a boy without an active father in his life, but after all of the initial shock and a few tears.. i'm pretty freaking stoked now and looking forward to meeting my son. oh and yes, us carter folk, apparently we're incapable of having little girls. who knew lol. most of my family just laughed when they found out i was having a boy. silly silly.

so let me try and quickly run through my decision of keeping my baby and what brought me to that conclusion (for those of you who care) lol.

Well it's been a long journey.. okay it's been like three or so months, which to a person as impatient as i, three months is a LONG time heh. I met with LDS family services and my bishop weekly, then also talked to my therapist half the sessions i had about weather i should keep or place my baby. I prayed every night, begging to know the answer, asking to be prompted to be led in the right direction. Sometimes i'd take days off, just sit and pray, read scriptures, talk to people, gather information, and do whatever i could to get closer to making a decision.

Now hello.. i'm LDS, so my decision was not only made by "whats the logical choice here" but it was guided by "where does my heavenly father want his child to go". I can tell you that yeah, i'm not a very good mormon, but holy poo, the last few months i've had theeeeee most spiritual experiences in my life. getting yourself knocked up can do wonders for the spiritual soul (though i don't recommend it). God has pretty much carried me through most days of my pregnancy. I honestly don't know how i've been able to endure through so much.

so let me just share with you some of the spiritual experiences i had. the first was a blessing that i got from the babies daddy's grandpa, who btw, is the most awesome old dude on this planet. i totally just wanna make him pocket size and keep him for forever. anyways, he gave me a blessing that was short and sweet that said "you will be a mother". now that was at the first of my decision process and i wanted to confirm the answer, so i kept praying to be prompted to go to the right places, talk to the right ppl, do the right things, etc. well one day i went to church with my mom.. the night before had been particularly hard, i didn't think that i was going to be able to go on much longer, so i prayed that i'd get inspiration and answers in the lessons from church the next day. lo and behold, i'm sitting in relief society, and this lady bears her testimony on how she had a task she needed to do and answers she needed to get, but she felt inadequate, so she prayed and prayed and the answer she got was to do the best she could and god would make up for the rest. thats still pretty much my favorite btw. then i remember a story standing out to me about someone in the scriptures asking god too many times for an answer until he gave them the answer they wanted. so then i kept trekkin along in my journey to find out what i needed to do, and a few weeks ago, all of the sudden, after looking through families for adoption, learning all i could about all options, i felt really strongly that i should keep my baby. well of course, my dads like psh.. you need to pray more, which at this point, i was exhausted and sick of trying to find answers, so i got really pissed off and went home. i continued praying and decided to go meet with this family in my parents ward that had adopted a baby that the bishop wanted me to talk to. he specifically said that i'd know the right answer after i met with them. at this point, i highly doubted that was true because i had felt like i should keep my child, but meh.. so my dad came over with me to meet with them. it was amazing. they were super nice. I didn't really know what to expect, but they didn't push me towards adoption at all. when i got there, we didn't even know where to start so i started with asking them the only question i could think of.. i explained to them that we are told that it's heavenly fathers plan, and sometimes he brings babies down here to go to other families, not the birth moms, and that i've heard that when you know your answer, as an adoptive family, you feel like that certain child is the right child for you, and as a birth mom, you feel like that certain family was supposed to have your baby.. so how did they know that this was right for them, and did they ever doubt the decision? long story short, i guess they had waited 5 years (which totally beats my 3 months btw) and there were times where they felt like maybe they weren't right, maybe they weren't supposed to get this child, and they got discouraged, but they waited, kept strong, and now they have two beautiful baby girls that they KNOW are supposed to be a part of their family. well, that there was all the answers i needed. i stopped questioning my answer, because i had felt all along that that was what i was supposed to do, and i just settled on it.

all in all, its been hell, it really has been, like i said, god has had to carry me through most of it, but i've learned so much and had my faith grow an incredible amount. i put everything that i had into getting an answer, i tried with all my might to do what i was supposed to be doing, i didn't give up, and eventually it paid off. i've never seen the hand of the lord so much in my life. he was there with me every day. it was great. still is. i still need tons of his support.

anyways, it's been a really great experience. that's kind of the short version of it all. Now things are working out splendid with my decision, things are starting to fall into place, and i have no doubt in my mind that this is what is right. I still have a lot to get ready and a lot to overcome, but i guess i'll just have to do the best i can and got with cover the rest.