Friday, July 9, 2010

apartment

life definitely isn't what i expected. all my life i was surrounded by people i thought would always be there. i imagined myself always having a best friend by my side, eventually finding a boy that wouldn't leave my side, and having a group of friends that would always be around. i imagined always having someone to go to, someone to laugh with, someone to just be myself with. I never imagined myself being completely alone like i am.

would you believe that pregnancy has been reality for me and put everything into perspective? let me tell you, the picture isn't pretty. i guess being pregnant and having my whole life fall apart around me made pretty much every single one of my friends check out of my life. I wasn't too worried about it until all the close ones left or distanced themselves. who wants to be around someone who has to grow up and change their whole life and is having a hellova time doing it? I guess i just had more faith in everyone that they'd be there for me.

the most surprising of all is that the people that i never really thought would be there 100% are. i never thought me and my family would be close like we are now. well mostly me and my mom. we used to fight all the time and now she's pretty much the only person who's there for me.

now i'm not saying that i don't have some good friends, because i really do, just not close ones. i guess i just had a lot of toxic people in my life that i needed to get rid of and this gave me the opportunity to do so. it's pretty much one of thee hardest things i've ever done. my biggest fear in life is to be alone and thats how i feel most days. i often wonder whats wrong with me cuz of course something must be wrong with me since i don't have friends, right? my self esteem has been at a record low. my confidence in my personality, looks, & capabilities.

At a time in my life when i'm going through scary stuff, having to make sooo many changes, taking so many new steps all by myself, i've found that i've really grown up and become so much more independant. it's been a huge trial but also, in the long run, a huge blessing. so here i am, taking my last step. I think i've made the final decisions on who's important to have in my life, who's not, & who i'm going to be. When i first thought of moving into an apartment & starting a new life, i saw it as an opportunity to see who'd follow me and who wouldn't to make a place in my life. now i'm pretty sure i've already seen who's following and who's not. so, with this new apartment that i'm moving into in a week, i've decided to take a big, verrrrrry scary step that i'm really hoping i can make. I'm going to attempt to rebuild myself & life completely. I'm going to try and attempt to meet all new people, be the person i want to be, do the things i want to be and should be doing, & of course build a beautiful home for me and my son.

i have roughly three months to accomplish such things. lets hope i can pull through and get there, eh? i guess we'll see how it all goes.