Friday, December 30, 2011

The bittersweet

So today I was reading a friends adoption blog and just had an overwhelming feeling come over me of love and nostalgia.. and I started thinking about LDS family services and all the girls I met from there and our stories. I started thinking about the struggles we shared, the tears, heartache, fear, pain, sadness, but also joy. I look back and sometimes, I cannot believe how much we all endured.. how much I endured.. and how much I know that the Lord carried me through most of it. I have become such a bigger and better person because of it all. On Tuesday of this week, my 15 month old son burned his hand on my chi striaghtner, suffering third degree burns. At first, I didn't think they looked that bad, and he had stopped crying, so I didn't worry much about them, but I decided to call the pediatrician anyway. They didn't think they were so bad but wanted him to come in anyway. I left him with my dad at the doctors office and headed up to salt lake to my therapy appointment.. when I got out, I tried to get a hold of my dad but couldn't. My brother said he thought he was still at the doctors. My heart sank. I knew something serious was wrong. I called my mom and she explained that the burns were very serious, 3rd degree, and they might affect the mobility of his hand, so we needed to take him to the burn unit at the university hospital in slc first thing in the morning to check it out and probably get a skin graft. I was devestated. Four months of a sick baby with ear infections, and now this? I was already falling apart from the pressure. How was I supposed to accomplish this as a single mother? And wasn't this all my fault anyway for letting him burn his hand? Couldn't I have prevented it? I cried and cried on that drive home. I'm lucky I didn't crash. My boyfriend met me at my place and comforted me, saying he'd come with me to the appointment. I had to call my babies dad and tell him and his family what had happened. Then there was the trip to the burn unit the next day.. my babies dad bailed out, surprise surprise, so me and Taylor were gonna brave it alone when my mom decided to come, for which I was so grateful. I was a wreck. I tried to remember all the prayers for Rowan that my friends and family had promised and the power within the Lords power to heal. And it paid off. I testify to you, the Lord does work miracles and teaches us all in mysterious ways. The prognosis was better than expected. They were very pleased and surprised with how well he could move his hand. They said we'd give it a chance to heal itself before messing with it.. for which I am greateful. And ya know, it already looks to be healing pretty well so far, which is amazing. Its going to be a long month or more with lots of doctors and hospital visits, dressing changes, and extra time put into extra care for my angel baby, but I'm confident that I can do this.. when seriously, I never thought I could handle something like this. And being a single parent, let me tell you, its hard. It's full of a lot of pain and heartache and exhaustion. It's not easy being the only involved parent. But I was pondering today, and my experiences through LDS family services and deciding to keep my son after months of research and prayer and meeting with the bishop, all the therapy, all the hard work into preparing, and being the best mom I can be, all of it has led up to this moment. I can do this. He has shown me that. I can get through anything, even the really hard times, even when it seems like it will never end. And what I can't get through, He will carry me through. He will show me the way. I am so incredibly grateful for my experiences through my pregnancy and with LDS family services and all the girls I met there. They really all changed my life for the better and even though I'm not super close to most of em, I feel as though we have some kind of unspoken bond from going through what we did. I get so excited when I hear about their lives progressing and them doing so well. It's not easy, not while you're pregnant, not after you place or parent your child, but the lessons we've learned, and how we've changed our lives around.. that, I will always be proud of. It's all very bittersweet. I remember some of us having a discussion about how we felt as though the Lord had carried us through our pregnancy, and then when it was over, He set us down to be on our own two feet with what we had learned.. we talked about how unsettling that was at first because we were used to being carried for so long and didn't feel ready to be set down to deal with things on our own. But then when you do get the hang of it, it's the best feeling, knowing that you can do it. I testify to you that our trials are blessings. They are a way to learn and grow. They are an amazing opportunity to become who He needs you to be. And He will guide you through it. He will carry you when needed, and hold your hand the rest of the way. He will never leave your side to leave you completely on your own. He is always there, always listening, and He loves you no matter where you've been, what you've done, or how long it's been since you've talked to him. And sometimes the way he answers prayers isn't the way that we want, or when we want it, but be patient, because it's what we need. I am so grateful for all i've learned through this experience and all the support and love Rowan and I have recieved. We could truely not be more blessed. And I bear this, my testimony, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

...Happy Holidays?

yes. you already know that this is kind of a downer post. Just say it. i can see it in your eyes already. maybe if i put my writing to good use with sharing "good" things, my blog would actually be read by people other than Ryan. I can't decide weather or not this bothers me, that people don't read my blog. part of me likes it but part of me is a little sad. we'll see which part wins out. i'll tell you what though.. i'll add in some sugar on top of this mud pie at the end by letting you in on some good news i've been sitting on for a while now. so basically the holidays are hard in a way i can't explain very well. i mean, i'm alone, i live alone, but i have to celebrate the holidays because.. well, lets face it, it'd be depressing if i didn't, but also because i have my son here and it just doesn't feel right not celebrating it with him. but it's just.. weird. celebrating with just him and me. the best word to describe it is empty. its almost like.. the feeling when you wake up and think that someones there but they're not and you have that sinking feeling in your stomach.. and it hurts. i feel like a weirdy tag along cuz every holiday that we have, i talk to my parents and end up making up some way to spend it with them so i don't feel so lonely. then i feel like a loser. and don't get me wrong, the holidays usually end up great, but i still feel all sorts of lonely during them.. and like something is missing. now i guess there is bad news with the good news, so here we go. also, i wanna be really vague because i just don't think that certain detail is appropriate... but i've been dating this guy for around three and a half months now and well.. i really like him.. but anyway, its getting to be towards the time of the holidays, and all the sudden i realize i have someone to spend them with, and i'm super stoked on it, right.. and then i realized that to spend the holidays with him and rowan would be like having a weird, little family moment.. except we're not a little family.. and he felt the same way.. which made me feel even worse about the holidays because now i really don't know how to spend them. I just feel like i can't win without a family. i just can't. but yes, this guy, he's amazing. I hope things work out. because he's some type of great. a man of my dreams.. and that's all i'm going to share on the subject. Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

go to google

type in "angora rabbit" and laugh till you cry. i want like ninety of those little.. erm.. big.. fluff balls!! how can you say no to this face??!! it's like a cartoon come to life!!

Somtimes things are unexpected

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I think that as a single mom that has that past that I do, I have a unique perspective on this stuffses. So I'll try not to make this boring.. like an acceptance speach or somesing lol.. cuz you can't exactly cue the music on me ;) I am so thankful for my son, Rowan. He was sent to me at the perfect time and has truely turned my life around. I'm thankful for my family being there for me and supporting me in my singleparenthoodythingy, as well as the friends of mine that have stuck around. I'm thankful for the gospel and the atonement. I cannot tell you how much that it has changed my life and helped me learn and grow. which brings me to my next point. I'm thankful for my trials. I would not be who i am today without them. I'm thankful for the privlegded life i live. there are many people who don't have anything close to what i have. it is really humbling to think that way every once in a while and remember that everything that you have is something.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Just for you, Ryan

For all of you optimists out there that read my posts and wrinkle your nose, thinking i'm just another "emo" kid who's in serious need of yet another box of kleenex. haha i'm pretty proud of myself for that one :p (in case you didn't know, that was a joke.) ha ha ha i'm soooo funny. but for serious. I'm not calling out Ryan because he thinks i'm a blubbering boob (bahaha), i'm calling him out because he brought a very important detail to my attention that i'd like to share. i'm real. and i tell it like it is. if you know me very well, you know this is true. yes. i can be sweet too. but i'm also abrasive. and sarcastic. and BLUNT as all hell. i have a dark sense of humor and am sometimes cynical. but most of all.. I LIKE TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS. i'm not gonna sugar coat it honey. i'm. just. not. why? well why not tell what i feel? why sugar coat? there is this social stigma that i'm a weirdo if i feel depressed and tell ppl about it. of course, i don't need to tell evvvveryone about it! i'm not some attention seeking weirdo. there's a fine line between attention seeking and real. i'm not posting this all over, asking for sympathy. i'm telling you how my life really is, or how i feel at the moment. that is it. and whooopty freakin do if you think otherwise. then maybe you should get to know me better. i'm not afraid to be ugly in front of a croud, to show my scars, to show my true self, the good and the bad. make of that what you will. Thank you Ryan :] also, in light of what you've brought to my attention, i want my next blog to be a thankful-vember blog! i'd write it now but i just don't have the time. so.. here's a really lame cliff hanger.... ENJOY!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

No talents spec'd for you

So I feel like as a person, I have but one talent.. being helping others. And lately, I don't even feel as though I can do that. I just feel like lately, everything in my life is slowly being chipped at and taken away.. and most of it I can't change or say anything about it. More than anything I just.. am at a loss for what to do. I thought I had everything so planned out.. I thought I had people there for me. I thought I had confidence in what I could do. I guess I thought wrong.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

That fatal poisen

Somtimes I wonder if I'm crazy. Am I the only one who's insecure and let's my past so much rule my life? I know I've been through a lot but I just feel as though I should be able to handle it all. Its tearing at my heart. I feel the pain in my chest and the sickening feeling in my stomach. Tortured. That's a good word. Its like a poisen that needs to be let out of me. Lately I've just been.. crying. I know I need to let it out that way. I just feel as though no one is there to listen. Maybe that's why I write on here. I don't think really much of anyone reads it or knows what to say, but I feel as though I need to say something to someone, even if it is just a computer. Sigh.. I'm just grateful for the gospel in my life or I'm afraid all would be lost.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'm not drowning.. there's no one here to save- sara bareilles

Or however you spell that blasted lady's name. Just kidding. She's not blasted. I actually love her. Her attitude. Her music. Her.. attitude in her music. Lol I tend to identify with ppl who have attitude problems and share the fact tihat they have such attributes.. qualities.. whatever you would like to label them. Haha I make it sound so good and delicious.. anyway! I'm getting sooo side tracked.. :p I started this post with that song for a reason. This week I knew the daunting task of going to my ward was coming up. I'm new and haven't taken Rowan to church by myself since he was a few months old. I also haven't regularly gone to church in like.. oh gosh.. three or four years, so as you can imagine, this was a HUGE thing for me. I knew in my heart that this ward was right but I was still petrified- so much so that I just kinda didn't think about it. Now my relief society president came and met me (my mom called her and told her about me) and she offered to take me to church last week but I was at my cabin that weekend and had to decline. So this week, I was on my own. Saturday night rolls around and Rowan's sick so I'm thinking, well, I can't go. There was fear mixed with relief, sadness, and guilt. But then I told myself i'd pray for him to get better enough so I could go. Sunday morning rolls around and he seems to be doing better as the day rolls on so I start getting us both ready for church and I get a call from the relief socitey president asking me to ride with her, which, I have to accept, so I do.. which on one hand makes me really nervous cuz not only do I have to go now, but I have to go the entire time and not leave. Well then.. like a half hour later, the neighbor knocks on the door asking me to go with them and I had to turn her down. Well needless yU to say, I said a few prayers, prepared to go, then just dove right in and went. There I was. Single mom. Inactive. Holding up simba for everyone to see, red A on my forehead, passin up the sacrament, obviously new to the ward, going to church, and taking Rowan. And at first, I was bugged by this. Bugged by everyone reaching out. Bugged by it all. Hello! I'm a single. Mom. I'm not a pansy. I can take care of myself. I don't need to be babied and I hate being babied. But then it hit me. To these ppl, I wasn't a charity case. Weather they knew it already or not, they cared. They were trying to be christlike and make me feel welcome. Needless to say, it was a great experience being there. It was a great ward, I heard great messages, and the outreach from the members was just so awesome with a minimal level of akwakrdness. I mean yeah, church with an 11 month old by yourself is wayyyyy hard. I'm not gonna lie, I can't wait till he can go to nursery, cuz I could barely contain him and he was behaving petty weell. But I'm extremely glad I went and I'm actually kinda looking forward to next week.. mixed in with mass amounts of fear and apprehension lol.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


"If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the croud
Cause these words are my diary screaming aloud
And I know that you'll use em however you want to."

Anna Nalick, Breathe

This perfectly sums up my blog and why I put it all out there.

So please remember to be respectful about my personal information.

When it comes down to it, I'm a real person with feelings so.. if you don't like it or wanna just gossip, which isn't christlike I might add, then don't follow it.

This blog is for me to get it all out and maybe help others by what I post. Who knows.

But yeah. Just a friendly reminder.

Also I love that song :p

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I learned some ppl don't tell it like it is.

They pretend to have everything together when they don't.

They just fake it.

And I learned that isn't really the best approach.

That its alright that I'm the type of person who will say yes, it has been a shitty day.
And why.
And move on.

Instead of putting on a smile.
Pretending its okay.
And when ppl ask how's life, just defaulting to "good".

I wish more ppl were real.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

self worth

So one of the biggest things I learned at FSA (families supporting adoption) is, funny enough, about self esteem or self worth. First off, this guy asked whay builds self esteem.. ppl said stuff such as intelligence, academic standing, beauty, accomplishments, etc.

Then he asked what was important in gods eyes, and basically says your spiritual self worth should come from the sole fact that you are a child of god and he loves you. And I just love that.

Thennnn this girl spoke. Now, I could relate to a lot of what she said, so I was like fighting back tears the entire time, but her message and story were very powerful so I decided to share it and kinda tie in what I think.

She told a story of about how she was in high school, dating this great guy that was in college, but broke up with him because of peer pressure and started dating another guy.. who verbally and eventually physically abused her. She broke up with him, went on with life, and then on her 18th birthday, he asked her over and raped her. She became destructive, hated herself, became annorexic, and started exhibiting reckless behavior. She decided to start working on that and eating again and her body finally showed her she was five months pregnant with some guys baby. She wrote her ex college boyfriend, who was on a mission, to tell him, and when he came home, he fully supported her (they later got married). She placed her baby for adoption. She talked about how her self worth was just broken down into pieces, and after she got pregnant, it got even worse (which it usually does when its unplanned like that). She talked about how she just didn't like herself at all.

Then she talked about how she became her own person, set boundaries in relationships, loved herself, stopped blaming herself for what others did to her, had a more positive outlook, was nicer to herself, gave herself credit for all the good, let go of the shame for past mistakes, and forgave others for what they did to her, her self esteem returned and became more intact.

I can safely say I've been through my fair share of experiences. There was a long period of time where I had phenominal self esteem that couldn't be touched no matter what happened. And then various things happened and yeah. I have struggled with it off and on, but more so during the end of my last relationship and pregnancy. There is something about being knocked up and abandoned by the baby daddy that just kinda tears you down. Plus I mean let's be honest, being mormon and pregnant outta wedlock is like having a big red A tattooed on your forehead haha. Oh dear, nnow I'm thinking of easy A.. but seriously! Its awkward. Its still awkward. Some ppl genuinely believe I'm a floosy. Yeah.. with them its just ignorance and sometimes judgement. But anyways! So its hard. And affects my confidence in being a mom. It also affects relationships I'm in. I still seem to pick boys who are terrible for me, treat me badly, and tear me down.

So I'm starting a few things to fix this! First, I'm starting forgiveness. I've mostly forgiven others so I'm more focusing on forgiving myself for mistakes I have made. Which is hella hard. Cuz I have a super woman complex where if I'm not doing everything perfect (which mostly just means I'm killing myself getting everything done) then I beat myself up about it. So none of that! I'm letting go of my past mistakes, working on validating myself when I do good things, writing down my good qualities and accomplishments, and various other things. I'm also trying to put things in perspective and find meaning in what I've gone through by reminding myself that these hard experiences and mistakes have made me who I am today and given me a beautiful life, plus brought me back to the gospel. Oh! And speaking of the gospel, I'm bringing that piece in too by trying to do all my church stuff, but also being spiritually in tune withwhat god needs me to do and who he wants me to be, being that, being proud of that, and remembering that he loves me no matter what. Plusssss I'm cutting down on the negative talk, name calling (even if its just joking), all that stuff and rampin up the positive cuz that seems to affect my mood and others around me a lot. Attitude and talk are key.

Now I started this a few days ago and I'm already seeing a huge improvement in my happiness and self esteem. So I'm really excited to continue this journey of self improvement to become the woman I want to be.

So often we forget that our flaws are there not to be troubles, but to teach us a lesson through self improvement. Life is an opportunity to learn. Sometimes, in the midst of a storm, that's hard to see. But He will shine the light and show yyou the way if you just allow him to.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

chuh chuh chuh chaaaaanges!!

Who am I kidding, walking around like an adult? Lol. Like really, I wonder if it's just as hard for everyone else to become an adult as it is for me. I knpw its especially hard for me because I'm a single parent but still.

I cried when I was leaving my parents house tonight to go on my way to spend my first night at my new apartment. The place is great, I'm excited for the change, but.. that's just it. Its another huge change. And I think that just hit me.

New apartment. New area. New neighbors. New ward. New babysitter. New school schedule. New routine with my baby who is now a toddler. Gotta make new friends since all of mine are gone are not so fit to be friends.

Its just hard to swallow at first.

I know this is the right place for me to be so I'm trying to put faith in the lord and just take the leap into my new life, despite my overwhelming amount of anxiety.

Did I mention that I have mass amounts of social anxiety?? Well.. I do lol. Specially in church. I just get really awkward and unfriendly.. makes it fun to make new friends :/

Lol so I'm praying a lot and doing my best and letting god make up the rest.

I am super stoked to be here though, starting fresh. I'm feeling happy. I'm in love with the new apartment. I have high hopes for the next step in my life. I have faith that god will work everything out.

Well.. wish me luck!! :)

The spirit behind the tattoos

I feel like this is turning into a spiritual blog lol. I'm trying to decide if i'm going to start a blog that's dedicated just to my spiritual thoughts and try to write a new post every Sunday. I feel as though writing my promptings, experiences, etc down, not only help me clarify in my mind what i've felt or heard, but help me remember- plus it's nice to be able to look back at what i've written in the past cuz i know for me, there's always room to improve on the spiritual side of things.

Today we talked about families in church and the responsibilities of the Mother, Father, and Children.

Now, this could be a huge sore spot for me because when it comes time to talk of the roles of the father, feelings of guilt and sadness come up because my son does not really have a father.. yet. I just have to keep tacking that yet on to help me feel better about myself haha. But today, i allowed the spirit to quiet those feelings of sadness and look at things more objectively instead of emotionally.

It was very interesting to me that they had a lesson on this but the more they talked, the more i understood why. Our roles in the family unit are the most important roles we have because the family is the most important unit on the earth.

i know. i didn't get this until i became a mother. Since then, my idea or perspective of life has changed tremendously.

If you ever are searching for a good read and are a girl, find the book called "I am a mother". Most phenominal thing i've ever read. sounds cheesey, right? i assure you, if it wasn't good, i wouldn't read it.

the world belittles the role of a nurturing mother. we are made to feel inadequate in our roles as women because we aren't the breadwinners. but guess what? every child we have is a child of god. and our responsibility to that child? to bring them back to their heavenly father.

how powerful is that? we're responsible for that person getting to where they need to be. often we don't think about it in this way. we think about it as "womens work". and srsly, i crack a fair few kitchen jokes about women myself, but all joking aside, women are the glue in the family.

I can testify to you firsthand that being is mother is the most important thing you'll ever do. I cannot tell you how much closer to the spirit i have been since the moment i got pregnant with my son. The birth of my son was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. Whenever I get a fathers blessing for myself, I get blessed for my son Rowan. I've always been pretty in touch with the spirit and promptings, but that has exploded tenfold since i've had my son. Since i'm the only family he has, i am the leader of the household, and i can testify to you that i can feel that also.

The role of being a parent isn't just changing diapers and making them food (haha), the role is a spiritual one.

it is to be in touch with the spirit so you can have the right direction to be able to bring these precious spirits back to their father in heaven.

and yeah, sometimes it's hard to see it like this. i mean look at your parents. yeah, right now. no just kidding. but look at them and look at what they do.. that's gonna be you!! you're gonna do everything they do!! scary huh?

but it's sooo fulfilling. I promise you.

and now my kid is awake so i best stop rambling.

but i challenge you to look at your life right now and if you are not yet married or a parent, prepare to be one. and if you are a parent, try to better yourself. when i first became a parent, i thought it was all about learning what temperature a fever is and how to dicipline, but it's also learning to incorporate family prayer, fhe, scriptures, and gospel doctrine in your home.

i know me, with my harsh look and lack of church that i've gone to in the last few years, i've had a hard time doing this, but i've noticed that as i've tried my hardest to do these things and done my best, that the lord makes up for the rest. and you will feel his spirit, and you will know these things to be true. amen.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

"Unusually hard to hold onto"

"I'm not gonna writechoo a looove song"... jk!

I just heard that song on the radio and figured it was a bit fitting for what I've been thinking lately and thought i'd share. Its kind of random but really, if that comes as a surprise to you still, you should have your head checked.. well really your brain.. which really may be just your IQ level..

Anyways!! I was just pndering about the friends I've had over the years, and even recently discussed this with a friend, that I either really really like ppl or really don't give a crap. I mean its not like I dislike them, I just don't make much of an effort. And I'm the type of person who runs a lot. I'm good at running and hiding from people.. falling off the face of the earth type thing. I've become quite pro at it. So I've decided that I'm kinda hard to hold onto.

Its nothing personal, just the way things have always been. Which is random. And I swear its amplified since I've had a child juss cuz I have way less time and less patience with ppl who aren't understanding of how my life is now.
So I haven't decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet orrrrr figured out why I do it.

I don't think I'm running away cuz I'm not afraid of anything.

Idk. Maybe I run to see who's willing to follow me.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A witness so sweet

As you probably know, I am a single mom, but also a mormon one, so from time to time I have some interesting gospel related things I like to share. Most are just promptings, things I heard in church, etc, but some are really near and dear to my heart, and for that reason, just like everything else on this blog since it is so honest, please respect what I'm saying. Ill be more upset about you ripping apart my spiritual experience then my more personal life experiences that being said, let me start with a story.

Its kind of an odd story and relatively short. Ill start out by telling you I have the gift of seeing spirits.I've had it since I was very young with that, I can see good or bad spirits. Every bad spirit comes to bring you down, every good spirit comes for a reason as well. They affect me in a way I can't explain very well. They come whenever they please, wherever, around whoever. I can't control it really. Sometimes I can make them go away but I can't make them come. Anyways!! So me and two of my friends were sitting there, by the door, chatting before we left my friends house. We were speaking of baby names and all the ones we liked, didn't like, and also the ones I considered naming my son before I chose the name rowan annnnd also future kids. Before we left, I stopped to say, oh yeah, I also thought of the name Liam for Rowan. I instantly felt this.. energy in front of me and it felt like it was connected to Rowan. The spirit was so strong. One of my friends said whoa! I just felt something towards Rowan when you said that! Then later I found out that another one of my friends felt something as well. The only way we could all describe it was feeling some sort of energy.

Well I talked to my mother about it in the morning, explaining the whole story and my thoughts on it that maybe its another one of my kids. My mother said that for us to feel that, it probably means that what we felt was a person from the spirit world, and whoever this Liam was, he was there. She said maybe it felt connected to Rowan because he'll be an important person in his life or maybe it's even his brother.

Now I have had two other witnesses to me that I was going to have more children- one in a blessing and another with a different encounter with a spirit- and it has all happened within the last eleven or so months.

I've always felt expecially connected to the spirit and as I've gotten older and more righteous, it has just grown tenfold. I am so blessed to be able to have these little miracles happen so often in my life. He never let's me forget he's there or that he's rootin for me, as is my posterity, to make the right choices and clean up my life so I can bring these beautiful kids into the world and become what he wants me to be in order to fulfill his plan for me.

I am so grateful for the gospel of jesus christ and all that it brings for me.

I am blessed with a perspective to look up and forward, remembering that "this too shall pass", that the hard times being a single mom will eventually come to a close, that I will be able to get married and sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, and be blessed with a beautiful family.

I know I'm not the greatest example for righteousness but I testify to you that if you're trying and doing your best, God will make up for the rest, and he will bless you for your efforts. The only place you can go from here is up.

I say these things in the name of jesus christ, amen.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

You got served

So super unexpectedly, I ended up having to move on Sunday and Monday instead of Friday and Saturday which kiiiiinda sorrrrta made my week turn upside down. I didn't have anything really packed or ready but the kitchen stuff (thank goodness my mom and sister had that packed up of i would've been sooo screwed). Anyways, I called some people last minute, as did my mom, and we got a random team of people together to help me move. I was SO incredibly overwhelmed that all I could think about was just getting the task ahead of me FINISHED! I didn't think much about how much these people were giving to help serve me. My stuff ended up getting moved mostly by people who were just friends, not family. I mean yeah my family helped but my friends put in wayyy more hours. And it didn't really hit me until one of my friends thanked me for letting him serve me. He was thanking me!! He had just lugged endless amounts of my CRAP around and he was thanking me for being able to do so. But then it hit me. Selfless acts for others.. So Christlike. That's a lot of what missionary work is. And honestly, I think I need to incoporate it into my life a little more. It was just interesting because i've been on the other side of the fence, being served, ever since I got pregnant. I'll admit i was embarrassed at first but now i'm just really grateful and looking to give back. first i've just gotta figure out how to do that with the limited amount of time and stuff i have. now i'm rambling.. bye!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

/flex list

Haha I just saw a ford flex.. which inevitably makes me think of two f words: fugly and /flex (you wow fans will appreciate that) hahaha ohhh I'm a dork.. anyway so it seemed fitting for the name of my new post and list of things I want and don't want in a guy.. flexman!! Haha no that's terrible. We'll think of something better to call him later. In fact, I'm open to suggestions haha. So hurrrrr weeeee go!!


So the first thing I really know that I need in a man is someone who likes children, more importantly my child, and wants a family.. an eternal one. Shocker right?! I'm looking for someone to BUILD A FAMILY WITH!! Someone who adores my little man as much as I do!! And I understand that that is asking a lot of someone, to take on thre responsibility of being a husband AND a father but.. I'm a package deal. Think of it more as a two for one, buy one get one free, as opposed to something negative. It's like a bonus! Like getting something an extra prize in your cereal box!!

I also need someone who can handle my baggage. Yes, i know that's a lot to ask for, be let's be real about this people. I have a LOT of baggage. I mean I'm working through things but my past is still my past. I can't change my past, only my future. And honestly, I want someone to LIKE that I have the strength to go through so much; to know that I have been placing in my life and it has helped me become who i am and understand so much more about this world. I want this flex guy to see it as an asset, not JUST a drawback. And i say it like that intentionally because sometimes it WILL be a drawback.. but most of the time, i want it to be a positive and not a negative.

One thing that seems kinda stupid but I've found that I really appreciate is when guys are affectionate. I'm a really affectionate person and have realized through the relationships i've had, I kinda have a need to be affectionate and have it be returned. It seems dumb.. and i don't want you to think i'm one of those creepers who is alllll over their boi and their boi is all over them. negatory. i just like small affectionate, non-awkward things. no need for the PDA po-po haha :p

I think for me as a person, it's important for me to be able to laugh.. but also be able to take things seriously. I need a guy who will be able to make me laugh but also know when it's time to be cereal.

I am seriously not attracted to people that don't read, are not smart, and are not weird like me. I just feel as though we have nothing in common haha. I know that sounds dumb but for real.. we need to be able to have HP and LOTR convo's, have weirdo inside jokes, i need to be able to be myself around you, and also have intelligent conversations. period. lol.

Someone who can be emotionally supportive. I can be emotionally intense, in good and bad ways, and I'd like someone who can support and understand that.. and even compliment that.

I have a passion for movies and the outdoors. I'm not like the, hey likes hike and bike and hanglide type.. more like the, lets fish and camp and star gaze or sit out in nature type. I also love love love me a good movie or tv series. It's hard for me to relate to people that don't like these things. juss sayin.

I have a passion for fashion.. and you don't have to have one if you wanna date me, but its a pet peeve of mine when you don't appreciate it when i take the time to make myself look pretty for you, and you could care less. I wanna be appreciated. I want to know you think i'm beautiful. and yes, i wouldn't be stating this if i didn't have a problem with it in relationships of the past.. more than once haha.

Mr. Right must be a hardworker. People that aren't very motivated or are not hardworkers drive me nuts. I come from a family of hard workers. I'm a hard worker. I don't like to be in relationships where i'm the only one who works hard towards something. I'm verrry motivated and hard working and i'd like you to be too.

I also feel as though I need someone who likes to talk as well as listen. I like to gab. a lot. shocker, i know haha. But i hate it when i gab and mister doesn't listen, or mister listens and says noting.. it's awkward!!! it's worse than them talking too much!!

I'll keep adding to this as i go along.. this is definitely a post that is a work in progress :D

moves like jagger

Haha that song came on the radio right when I was thinking of posting this so I had to!! Lol. You'll forgive me. Well! There I was in a little botique in pleasant grove called the clique, getting a pedicure (go there, its amazing) and after I finished my subway sandwhich (no advertising at all in this post lawl) I decided to read a magazine. I thought it looked rather interesting. Come to find out there was only one good article. One! And guess what it was on?? Dun dun DUN!!!!! Dating!! But it actually had some rrreally good advice so I decided i'd share it and share my.. we'll call it grocery list for men and then also what I don't like in a man (you'll see why). Wow I'm using a lot of perenthesis today. A bloggers best friend?? Mehbee. Haha ohhhhkay.

Side note, I haven't eaten since lunchtime yesterday. Or had anything to drink.. cuz I'm out of change. But srsly that potato bug thing keeps playing in my mind and grossing me out. Haha and no, I'm not usually the type to skip meals. I eat twice as much as you. Yeah, you. Its just I hate gross stuff like that! I gag just thinking of it lol.

Anyways!! So it was an article in a magazine (the name of which esscapes me) and it was a lady who was married with two kids, her husband died, and got remarried. She seemed to have a better perspective on what she wanted because it was the second time she was choosing. She said she had a friend ask her what she should look for in a man and she said that the usual list of cute, smart, funny, and rich was overrated and dumb cuz they can lose the looks, sometimess smarts come in different ways, funny won't always help you, and they can run out of money. The big thing that stuckout to me was when she said, the best way to find the right qualities is start with the wrong ones. Look at the things that don't work for you or haven't worked so well with past relationships.. personalize it to you. Her examples were that her last husband didn't know what he wanted to do. He made good money but was never happy with his job she wanted to find a new hubby who loved what he did. Or that she had baggage from her last hubby dying, so she wanted a new hubby without baggage

And idk, maybe this is just a revalation to me but for real.. this opened my eyes lol. I've recently been thinking I should write a man quality list since I've been dating around and have kinda refined my idea of the man of my dreams. And idk, I thought this was a good and new perspective on how to write that out!! So I'm gonna attempt to write a list of what I want and do want.. except its gonna be on another post. So bear with me lol.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ditching and retching

So i was debating on whether to post on this or not because it may come off as a pity me thing but.. i decided that one of the major reasons i started this blog is to be honest about how things are going in my life and in the life of a single mom.. plus i swear everyone on this planet has felt like this once in their life or they're weird so.. here we go. keep an open mind.

i think i've been ditched at least a dozen times in the last few weeks by various different people. whats worse then being alone? being surrounded by people and being alone.. because then you wonder if something is wrong with you. my self esteem on a scale of 1-100 is like at a 3. i mean granted, i know it's hard to make friends as a single parent.. as soon as i got pregnant and my life started getting harder, people didn't want to be there for me, they didn't want to hang out with me cuz they knew i'd have to be responsible, or because i was going back to doing the right thing and not partying.. and ever since it's been an uphill battle to find friends. most people either don't get my situation and don't respect that i have a child and can't stay out late or go all over creation, ditch me ninety times, don't wanna be there for me when they find out what i'm going through, or if they're a guy, they just want to sleep with me. no joke. cuz apparently if you're a teen mom, that makes you a whore. who knew haha.

really though i have no time to meet ppl anyway. and everyone i meet and am friends with, it's like i'm their best friend but they're not mine.

so what brings this up is today, i'm all trying to text a bunch of ppl, trying to hang out with ppl, and.. nothing. till this one person said yeah, lets chill, then no. i mean after a day of all that, getting ignored in texts, getting ditched, on the ONLY free day i have this week.. i've just sat here and bawled. and yes, when my mother called, i vented haha.

but really, i don't think i've cried this much since i was pregnant. i mean it's been like every night for two weeks cuz of crap like this. i just wish i could pick up and move out of state.. but i can't.

and i keep praying it'll get better. i even got a blessing. and what did it say? that strength doesn't come from relationships with others, it comes from inside and from the lord. that was really comforting.. and kinda laid it out of the table that this is one of my trials.. but of course me and my mom were just bawling after that too. i just can't believe the amount of stuff i've gone through.

on a totally different note, a funny/disgusting one, Rowan was crawling aroun today when i picked him up.. and he was chewing on something. well i hadn't given him anything to eat so i was worried about what it was and fished it outta his mouth. i was examining the small part i managed to get out of there.. then i retched and hurried to try and wash it down the drain. it was a dead potato bug!! of course, the dumb thing gets stuck in a bowl in the sink and i continued to retch until it had cleared out of my sight. then i look at rowan and he continues to chew then swallows. so i wash my hand and start to walk, with him in my arms, over to put the laundry on touch up. he then retches, throws up all over himself and my hands that are holding him, smiles at me, laughs, then starts to dance. then he got all mad when i tried to get his icky clothes off.

needless to say, i totally lost my appetite and haven't eaten dinner.. and don't plan on it. even when i think about it, i gag haha.

you know, i've lost a lot more then my freedom, being a single mom. i've lost friends, my self esteem, my "college years", my sleep, possibly my sanity, and the list goes on.. but it's all worth it for my little bean. i love him more than anything. and yeah, he may be my only friend, but so be it. i do this all for him. and i refuse to not get through this. not only get through it, but get through it with putting a smile on my face as much as i possibly can.. even if i'm smiling and laughing about things that make me super nauseous lol.

Monday, August 8, 2011

love this!!

To all the single ladies in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice:

Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects Yoaz!!

epic basketball fail

so visits with the baby daddy can get pretty boring and awkward when i have to supervise them.. so i decided to have us take the little one outside in the complex and have him play on the grass. I grabbed my basketball because i figured if i had a spare minute, i'd play. Well Rowan's dad was watching him so i decided to shoot some hoops. I'm pretty friggen decent for not playing in forever. I made a fair amount of baskets. Well i decided they were probably getting bored of watching me, so i came out to play with rowan.. and his dad entered to play. he barely made like any baskets!! haha i was giggling so hard inside thinking.. oh, you've just been owned by a girl, who's your baby mamma, who you dislike lol. after a bit, i walked in there holding rowan and started shooting hoops one handed.. and still i schooled him. then he gave up and played with rowan while i shot a few more hoops. haha it was all friendly competition.. if it even was really competition.. but it sure was entertaining that i totally whooped him! i beat another boy a few weeks back also. i'm on a roll!!

and rowan found a tiny rock on the court and played with with that thing for like a good twenty minutes, i swear. it was hilarious and sooo cute!! i just love his little personality and how it shines through more and more each day. he's just hilarious!! and soooo weird lol just like me i guess. well thats it for now!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

an unusual testament of the truth

Today was fast Sunday. I've been waiting for a fast Sunday to roll around. I have a million things to fast for in my life and in the lives of all those close to me. Well, I got so caught up in feeling sick, church, and napping that I didn't even say my fasting prayer!! Fail. Haha but I rrrreally didn't wanna go to church.. I swear the days you need to go the most are the days that you have the greatest opposition in going. I must confess that I didn't go because I realized I needed it.. rather I went because my parents will only take Rowan to church with them if I go to church and since they had already gone to church and expected me to do the same, I decided to go to church to avoid the conflict. Anyways, I know it was inspired that I went to the meetings I did.

One lesson was on not procrastinating which I know I needed to hear because I'm needing to focus on like nine million goals right now. And just so you don't think I'm being dramatic, let me list them haha :p church attendance, settling into a new home and ward to make it home, make friends that are good for me and Rowan, really study my scriptures, go to institute, pray every day, become temple worthy, really study doctorine and use free time to study talks, scriptures, etc., transform my home into a place where family scriptures are read, family prayer, fhe, we bless the food, we share spiritual things (when Rowan can talk).. basically I wanna become the perfect mormon mom. Thennnn, I wanna brush up my mom skills, cooking, cleaning, crafting, all that seriously awesome mom stuff that no one notices unless its not getting done haha :p then there's finishing school, getting a job, finishing group in therapy, helping others in my similiar situation that get pregnant at a young age or have other relavent trials such as addiction, abuse, etc. Aaaand mending family relationships.. continuing school after finishing matc and getting a job, take french courses and courses in psychology, and lastly write a book on my story and testimony of the gospel of jesus christ.

See!! Almost a whole paragraph!! Haha now who's the drama queen?? Lols. Anyways! The second lesson I learned was inspiring. For me, it gave me strength and a huuge sense of worth. It reiterated my purpose that has been laid out in my patriarchal blessing that I am on this earth for many great purposes, one of which being to help people; and I have been blessed with a massive amount of gifts to be able to achieve such things. The lesson was on diversity in the church. There was a video of this man. He was so friggen quirky; I seriously felt like me and him would be great friends haha.. he was a former smoker and alcoholic, hadn't had his temple recommend in twleve years before this, had a tatto, and the random guy he was, was lifting weights through the whole video. He wore tyedye haha and he would wear it to church.. what a silly. He was just so unique, such a refreshing person, so upfront and honest. He talked about the atonement. He talked about how he felt after all the years of unrighteousness, he didn't deserve it, but yet here he was, an active member of the church again, fully reaping the blessings from the atonement. I've never heard a more unique testimony in my life. The man when on to marry, have a family, and be sealed to them for time and all eternity. This hit very close to home and my heart. This huge buff bald guy with a goatee is me!!!... with more hair.. less muscles.. and less facial hair haha. But we've walked the same path, come back to the savior, knelt at his feet, begginf for forgiveness that we've unworthily received, felt His love and His blessings, and then honestly.. almost candidly told others about our journey, despite the judging looks or thoughts about our past. So here I am.. inspired to write my testimony of the lord jesus christ and the gospel.

I came from a past that's privledged in some ways and very much the opposite in others. I know now that all of the trials were for a reason. My family has had its struggles that I must admit did give me a rocky start, but the truely big trials in life, most of them I've brought on myself from all the choices that I've made. The other trials I believe are here specifically so that I will be strengthened for a greater purpose later on in my life on this earth. The sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, the homelessness, the jail time, the struggles with bpd and depression, the alcoholism, the smoking, the unhealthy relationships, the pregnancy, the custody, and the biggest challenge yet, being a single mom yes, I have come from a very dark place, but I believe that in coming from that dark place of evil, I can better appreciate the light, and better understand where others are coming from that are clouded by the same darkness I once was. I know there is a plan for me. I know I have a divine purpose that heavenly father planned just for me that I agreed to take on. I know He gave me these gifts because he knew I was the best to use them, that I was strong enough to get through these trials. The lord lifts me up every day. He carries me through it when there are times when I can't stand he leads and guides me when I can barely crawl to makes steps towards where I need to be. He has blessed my life in so many ways and continues to do so, the more righteously I live. I have been at the bottom of the bottom and I testify to you that there is a God, Jesus Christ did visit the earth, Joseph Smith restored the gospel, the holy ghost is there to comfort you, the atonement is real, as is the gospel of christ. And its there for anyone who wants it, no matter who you are or where you've been. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I hope someone somewhere can learn somethings from these words and from my blog. I'm trying to keep it very honest and real so as to show the real me, the real struggles, the real joy, and the real truth. Sometimes that's hard to swallow and I get that. I just hope to help.

Remember His love for you.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


My brothers took me shooting today (it was my first time). I was a lot more scared then I thought i'd be. I shot really poorly except with one of my brothers guns.. i shot really well with it considering it was my first time. Anyways, i had other plans for today, and for the millionth time this month, i got ditched.

i started thinking about how the only fun things i did were with my family.. how i've texted millions of ppl and it seems like they've all blown me off (pretty much for the past few months or more).. and how really, this is a crapshoot. I honestly don't know why i'm putting effort into relationships that don't work. ppl seem to only wanna be my friend when it's convenient or when they need me. and i'm done with it. i have like this much [] patience with ppl now that i'm a single mom cuz really, i don't have time to deal with the bullshit. and thats all it is. bullshit. i'm a good person and i know i deserve better. i honestly don't understand why ppl treat me like they do.

so.. i'm gonna try my hardest to say goodbye to this old life of mine. I got a new apartment, which i'm stoked about.. and i've decided i'm gonna start over. I'm gonna make a plan to make new friends and start allllll the way over. i'm saying my goodbyes to my old life and my old friends.. well with an exception of a few (you better know who you are) who have been amazing lately!! butttttt for the most part, i'm resigning, putting in my two weeks, quitting, whatever you wanna call it.

pretty much it comes down to this.

i'd rather be alone then be in stuck in a crowded room and feel lonely.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I give up

On trying to date and make good friends for now. Its a crapshoot when you're a single parent. Beyond impossible for me right now.. Plus I'm sick of crappy ppl. I quit!!!!!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

He's lucky to have me

It never ceases to put a huge smile on my face when I talk to a friend, they ask me how Rowan is doing, then they day he's lucky to have me as a mom. HELLO!!! I'm lucky to have you as a friend! There's nothing more fulfilling then being a mom so there's no better compliment than saying I'm a good one.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

it never fails to make my day

When I come home to get Rowan after he's been with the babysitter and as soon as he sees me, he has a huge grin on his face, he flaps his arms and legs cuz.. well that's what babies do when they're excited lol.. he starts squeeling and makes a beeline for me (or attempts to dive out of his captors arms to fall into my arms). Its the best feeling ever. I know I must be doing something right.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I can do this on my own.

Isn't it funny how we rely so much on others to hold us up? I've found out in the past few years that I really used to count on a huge support system to hold me up or i would fall. Really though, most of the time I can't count on anyone but myself. That been the hard part since I've gotten pregnant is learning how to rely on me and only me at all times because a lot of the time, I don't have anyone to fall back on, muchless even talk to about the hard things I'm going through. Well, right now is one of those times where I feel like I really need people.. and keep reaching out to them.. and not only do i get nothing back but i get the cold shoulder or rude remarks. like really people?! I need you right now and you know this!! So i've been feeling like a grade A loser and have recently gone back to this whole, well i can do this on my own, mentality and decided to give up on friends and dating and all of that and just focus on being a good mom, my schoolwork, therapy, and church. well..

today i was having a really hard day after a really hard weekend. I was trying to be positive but i was having a hard time not bursting into tears because all efforts to not be alone had blown up in my face and it was really getting to be the last straw. I cried all weekend though so i was trying not to make a scene around my family because i was worried they'd think i was falling apart. well my dad and mom both came to talk to me seperately.. it seriously lifted me up out of that dark hole i was slipping into. My dad never does stuff like that so i was shocked. he just sympathized and told me that things would get better and that i've come a really long way!! :D i was seriously floored. and then he made some suggestions on how to get where i want. then.. my mom just hugged me and told me how proud she was of me and how much she cared and knew how hard i worked and how much it hurt to be in my position. like i just started crying. i couldn't help it. those words were gold to me. i'm so glad someone appreciates how hard i work! i couldn't contain myself haha.

i really hope this little ray of sunshine can keep me going for a while.

i wanna be something Rowan is proud of.

Monday, July 25, 2011

the good news and the bad news

you know, sometimes I don't know why i name these posts the things I do. like really haha.. you probably thought I got good and bad news but you are sadly mistaken haha. really i just have a mixed post to write. well.. hop to it? i think so. the bad is always best first because then you end on a good note.

well.. i swear it's impossible to find real genuine good friends and then good guys to date. like yesterday was a disaster. haha i feel like such a baby back biiishhh but like i just sat in my house for an hour just bawling my eyes out.. and cried off and on after that. my day was just horrible as was my mood! i just couldn't snap out of it and not from lack of trying. I mean i spent all this quality time with my son, i took him to the park, i relaxed.. but things were just not good with my family, not good with my friends not to mention the fact that I have like zero friends, and not good with a guy i'm dating. like and the worst is when you're crying and then you're like oh well i just need someone to talk to so you try and talk to ppl and instead of making it better, they just make it worse so then you just feel more alone. yeah.. that was my yesterday! it was one of those moments where i wanted to chuck my phone cuz i was so mad that i didn't have anyone to call to talk to haha. but i mean it's no new feeling. i've felt alone in this off and on for the last.. four or more years and completely alone through raising Rowan. completely. aaaand I must confess that I was angry at God cuz i've done all he's wanted me to do up until now for the past year and like gotten none of the blessings he's promised me in my blessings, specially the ones I really need like.. finding friends and supportive ppl and decent guys to date. so i was boycotting the man upstairs for a minute. idk hopefully i can meet some new ppl when i move.. if i get this place.. and then things will hopefully get better for me! but for now i'll just have to hang in there.. cuz today is starting to suck just like yesterday did and idk it's just not looking so good for this week. haha and don't even get me started on guys.. all i have to say is i mean.. i don't believe there are bad guys, but guys just kinda treat girls badly if they're not the right girl.. but i've been treated badly by so many guys that i think i'm just used to the crap so i take it.. yeah it's bad.. i mean now i'll actually break it off but i swear i just have no idea what to do with relationships when i get one and lets just say everrrrythang seems to be going south with that.. which sucks cuz i really really wanna date :[ but anyways..

now for the good.. i have seriously fallen in love with my son again. like that kid is the best thing that has ever happened to this world. he is amazing! like yesterday and today, he has just put a smile on my face and given me the motivation to do things instead of stay in bed all day like i want. like for real, the kids smile is so cute, you can't help but smile back. and he just comes up over to me and just wants me to be playing with him all the time. like i guess it makes me feel good that he needs me and at least he enjoys spending time with me haha. and then like.. he's starting to become less of a baby and more of a toddler so he does like more intelligent stuff and more little kid stuff.. like what he does actually has purpose now which just is amazing cuz i love love love little kids at that stage and love it even more with my own son. the more personality kids have, the more fun i have playing with them and connecting with them. idk i wish i could explain the bond between me and him and how it's really just exploded and gotten soooo much better lately but i just can't. i didn't ever know i could love someone this much and it just keeps growing!

he's just such a blessing in my life. he's my sunshine. he's my light at the end of the tunnel. he's the reason i get up in the morning. being a mom is the best and most challenging thing that has ever happened to me yet. i just hope that I can continue to have a strong bond with my Rowmeister, find someone to marry who shares that love and that bond with him, and find friends that can love him also and be there for me and him.

whats Gods plan for me from here on out? i don't know.

whats my plan for me from here on out? re evaluate my friends and who i date. find new friends and ppl to date. move. and basically rearrange my whole life haha.

i'll let you know how that turns out.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

a great way to explain where i'm currently at

its weird i haven't really posted my poetry or some random lyrics on here like ever.. cuz i'm usually obsessive about that type of stuff lol but here's a song that randomly came up on my pandora that I'm in love with that has great lyrics that explain where i'm at currently. that that that. :p

Down by Jason Walker

I don't know where I'm at
I'm standing at the back
And I'm tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
That I could be missing
I'm missing way too much
So when do I give up what I've been wishing for

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.
Oh I'm going down, down, down
Can't find another way around
And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing of what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it's coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it's coming down, down, down.

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Thursday, July 21, 2011

more decisions

When will the decisions end? I feel as though they will never end. Sigh. Buttttttt I may have found an apartment which im way excited about :D it'll be great if I get it. Ill know by Tuesday!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

i don't wanna settle

I've been thinking about dating as a single mom a lot lately. It's really an intimidating thing for me because of my dating track record. In the past, I really just gave anyone a chance at dating me which I think was my first downfall because I would get involved with people that only had a few qualities I liked and a lot of qualities I couldn't stand plus they all would have a lot of baggage; which is fine, I have baggage too, but I kinda think I'm a little bit of a "fixer" which also created a lot of problems. I get myself into relationships with people that I know that it won't work out for the longterm and then get frustrated because either I have to lower my standards or they have to higher theres and I don't want to be the one to expect them to change so I either lower mine or just stop dating them. But thats hard for me to cuz I don't know where to draw the line of standards. Obviously I want an active mormon guy but there are always circumstances. How mature should I expect him to be? Should I expect him to be good with kids? Should I expect him to be financially ready for me and a kid? Should I say no to all those who aren't? It gets really complicated..

Since I've had a kid, this has been a hard habit to break. I think one of the biggest problems is that I don't really meet guys anymore. I mean first of all, I'm busy alllll the time.. then there's the fact that lots of guys seem to run when they find out you have a kid and then to be honest I'm really kind of anti social so I haven't really met any friends since I've had Rowan anyway, much less guys to date. And then there's the maturity factor.. ugh. That one is a killlller for guys to date and friends. It's sooo hard to be around people that are just in a really different stage in their life with different priorities. They just really don't get what real life is like as an adult.. it's so hard to relate to them, confide in them, hang out with them, and share your child with them.. but I guess thats another topic for another blog another time.. another another another :p

Another thing is me being worried about all sorts of trust things. I guess my ex kinda ruined me in that way but I am now insecure about everything. I worry about how I look, what they're thinking, if they're lying, if they're doing things behind my back, cheating, drugs, if they're just going to use me.. It's so stupid. I was never like that before. I was almost too trusting in fact. I hate feeling insecure. I know all my good qualities but for some reason when I think about myself, all the negative things people have said about me are louder than my thoughts.. and that's really embarassing for me to admit to.. but it's something I'm working on.

I really am sick of bad relationships and relationships that go nowhere. As a single mom, all you want it to find someone that's good for your child and good for you. I want a daddy for my baby boy and someone that comes home to me at night. I want to know that there is always someone there for me. i want to work together with someone to raise my son. Just like every other single mom, I want a family.. A real one, not my little broken one. Not saying I don't appreciate my little family of me and Rowan- it's my everything.. but I need more.

So I have decided recently that I am going to focus on meeting some new people and such. I know I need to date around to see what I want and what I need. I've decided that I'm going to make a list of qualities I need in someone because I don't want to settle. I've settled enough in my life. I see all these happy couples who are perfect for each other and I want that. I want to find the guy that makes my heart skip a beat, who's there for my everything, who is my rock, a great dad, someone I can stay up talking to about life, who i can share all the awesome things Rowan has done with, someone who loves me for me and will for all eternity, someone who makes me better. And I refuse to settle for anything less than amazing.

I just need to keep telling myself that I deserve the best.
Keep reminding myself that he is out there.
And tell myself that the Lord will help me find him when I'm supposed to.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Funerals and falling away

I never think of life as so precious until a baby is born or someome dies. I know its silly to forget about the beautiful gift of life our father in heaven has given us all but I do.. And it seems to bw in my life, im reminded of that often. Ive been to a lot of funerals in my life.. A lot. Recently a childhood friend of mine passed away. I wish we wouldve kept in touch but in elementary school our wards split and we didnt hang out adter that. She took her life this past saturday. And it hit me harder than death usually does. Im the type of person who cries at funerals even if I didn't know the person but with this one.. it just hit really close to home. She suffered with depression since she was thirteen.. I've suffered with it my whole life. She's been suicidal since thirteen.. so have I. She was always trying to reach out and help others with their problems.. so do I. And she took her life.. which I have personally been stopped from doing many times. I started to think back and just cry because I know that I got pregnant with my son and am in the situation that I'm in at this very specific time because if it all didn't happen just right at the right time, I would've taken my life. And I know many people who struggle with suicide. I know the pain. And I love this girl dearly for it. She battled a long time and I truely hope she is happy now in the arms of the savior. I know she will be taken care of up there in heaven.

Life is such a blessing. I do not judge those who have moments where they believe differently because I know how it is and I would hope others wouldn't judge either. At the funeral, they said we do not understand what happens on the other side to ppl that choose to take their own life, but do not judge and condemn them, cuz they were mentally clouded. Sigh.

Anyway so I started thinking about how I'm starting to fall away from all my plans cuz I feel like I just can't go on lately. I feel very broken. I've just been going for so long that I just can't go anymore. And I thought about when I used to get to that point, I would fall, I would get into bad stuff, I would get suicidal.. and it was a reality check that just cuz my kid saved me in the first place doesn't mean I'm immune for falling down. I realized I'm in therapy and go to church because I want to learn how to be able to get through no matter what. And I mean I had to stop and make myself remember that I am going through a lot and ppl have fallen from much less but its still embarrassing and hard.

So I'm starting a new plan for myself :) I've decided to start small with goals like going to church ebery Sunday and learning a lesson each day, I want to start a notebook where I write those lessons down, then I want to read the book of mormon and say my prayers every day. Then i'll keep working on my therapy and doing more constructive things lately. I wanna make a list of every goal I have to become the mom I want to be. Ill post the list when I finish it :D

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Grand Caymans & various other adventures, body and mind

Don't even ask about that title haha. I'm really tired, that's the only excuse I've gotat the mmmoment.

Well I went with my family on a semi-adult trip (I had to bring Rowan cuz his dad was saying he'd take him if I left him with a neighbor and I couldn't let that happen, plus mmy niece had to come) to the Grand Caymans this past week. Let me tell you, it was the best trip of my life besides Korea with my brother. I mean, I didn't wanna leave. I still wanna go back. I mean, we swam with dolphins and sting rays, went snorkeling, went to the beach every day (the water is super calm there and like upwards of eighty degrees), we went shopping, saw turtles, went biolumenescence kyaking which was soooo beyond rad, we took family pictures (ill try and post those soon).. it was all amazing. The traveling with a baby thing was pretty hard. And the airlines lost my carseat!! I wanted to beat em with it. They gave me a loaner till they got mine back to me but of course now, mines all beaten up, the little cover is bent >:(

Anyways, special shout out to my dad for thee best trip ever. I had so much fun and got to relax a lot.

Idk though like.. its been hard coming back to reality. I feel like I'm slacking as a parent and in life a lot lately cuz I'm so overwhelmed, I just avoid responsibility with certain things and going on vacation definitely has made it harder. Lately I've been having to go back and think about why I chose to keep my son, why I am where I'm at, all that stuff, so that I can find motivation from somewhere to move along in life.. I just feel so incredibly burned out and spent though that I just don't even know. I guess God doesn't give us any task we can't conquer.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How it hurts in the worst way

Yeah, I'm blogging for the third time today. Baby daddy called about the drug test results, we got to arguing, and he said he wanted to get rid of our agreement, only pay child support, stop seeing Rowan, and get out of the way. I told him I didnt want that, that I wanted him to see his son and he said that it wasnt what I wanted, and thats what he was going to do and he wanted to do it before I go on my trip out of the country in a few days.

I was shocked to say the least. I still am. I was fumbling over my words. How could anyone ever say they were going to do that? I mean he's said it a few times before but not like this.

My heart is broken.

I really hope he's not serious.

I guess I just need to pray and put it in Gods hands.

drug tests and how they effect

So he tested dirty... well the equivalent, it was a diluted urine sample.. and really like I was excited that we finally caught him doing what I know all along he's been doing but at the same time, I have a million other emotions. I'm stressed cuz its gonna be super hard to get all this and other contempt actions through the court and have the outcome be what we want.. plus it hurts. Why are drugs more important then his son? Why is his son not important to him? Why can't he love him like I do? I wish he'd just quit the bullshit and grow up and be a father. I hate seeing rowan have to suffer for my choices to have a child with a boy who won't step up to the plate. It makes me sick.

I put on a happy face and laugh it off but really I'm always thinking, what kind of ass hole puts himself before his angelbaby boy? I would do anything for rowan. I've changed my entire life for the kid. I've gone through hell for him. I hope he knows I tried. This court stuff is hell but I'm doing it for him. I'm doing it cuz I love him and I know its important to know his dad, even if he is a deadbeat. I hope he knows that someday.

On the brighter side of things, rowan is getting huge!! And he only has one heart murmur now which doesn't affect his health. He's army crawling and starting to crawl normal :) he can wave, he's starting to make more sounds, he can almost say nana.. man that kid just does the cutest things. And boy, is he handsome :) I make good looking babies! He just has thee most beautiful eyes. And everyone who gets to know him just loves him cuz he's seriously just a little ray of sunshine. He's sooo happy and just LOVES people so much.

I can't wait to take him swimming for the first time in the grand caymans :) this is going to be a great summer!

Common Misconceptions

Judgement happens every day. Sometimes it's a good thing ie: that cars brake lights came on, I should probably slow down. Sometimes its a really bad thing. I think my life has been filled with more of the bad then the good.

I feel as though peoples ignorance about situations turn into judgements that ultimately end up hurt themselves and other people. Granted, I understand that ignorance takes time and willingnesd to remedy, but how much effort do you see being put into learning as opposed to judging?

I'm LDS so I must be judgemental, think I'm better and more righteous then other, and be crazy religious. I come from a family who is well off so I must be spoiled and think I'm better then everyone else. I'm 20 so I must be immature and stupid. I'm a single mom so I must be an ignorant whore who slept around and will never learn her lesson. I decided to keep my kid after getting pregnant so I must be selfish and ignorant. I have BPD so I must be crazy.

How ridiculous and demeaning is all of that? And how hard is it to open your mouth and your mind to ask and get to know what kind of person I really am?

The hardest for me are the common misconceptions about being a single mom. Being a single mom is HARD. There are.a lot of tears involved. Then think about being a single mom as a teen? Its twenty thousand times harder. The challenges I face daily are ones most people couldn't imagine. I have crap to deal with all the time with my babies dad, on top of school, expenses, therapy, soon work, and taking care of myself and my son every day. Its hard enough to learn to grow up, become responsible, and live on your own without throwing a kid in the mix.

And just because I had sex and got pregnant doesn't mean I sleep around. People make mistakes. I made a mistake with one person. But since I got pregnant, I have to walk around with a red A on my chest because now everyone knows? Why is it that having sex is alright but when you get pregnant, its automatically so bad? Its like people think you're stupid. Guess what? People get pregnant while using protection all the time! So its not ignorance, its just part of your plan. That's it.

Want to know what single mom's really are? They're strong and motivated. They're a mom and a dad. They're hardworking. They're so incredibly loving and make so many sacrifices. They don't give up. They stare down the oppisition in this world that says they can't do it and they show them, yes, I can- despite all the disadvantages, the hardships, the lack of experience, money, whatever.

At the end of the day, we're people, like you.. with challenges and trials, like you.. and these trials were a part of our plan.. and all trials are blessings.. yours just may not come without wedding bands by stork wrapped in pink and blue.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

From the wise words of Bailey

"In a talk today someone quoted brigham young saying 'our families aren't ours. God has temporarily entrusted us with them to see how we treat them. And depending on how we treat them, that determines if god will us be a eternal family.' and that's true. God is rowans father." -Bailey

It hurts every day to think that I brought Rowan into this world with someone who doesn't come close to being a proper father to him.. but this makes it hurt much less.

Hopefully when Rowan's older, I can explain this to him and he'll understand.

I just want him to always know that no matter what, I want the world for him... and those were my intentions all along.

Fathers Day

I was thinking that Mothers Day was hard but I'm thinking that Fathers Day takes the cake.. I thought I would just be focused on my Dad and brothers and celebrating them being great fathers, but I just can't stop thinking about how I don't have a father for Rowan. I mean I guess he has a Dad, just not one that is so active in his life if you know what I mean. I wish he could have a dad that he could see every day, who he could get excited at the end of each day when he came home from work, for him to have a Dad like I did.

I'm really sad that I can't give him that. I just hope that someday I can.. :[

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I never planned on being that girl who got pregnant as a teen.. or out of wedlock.
I never planned on going to school to become a medical secretary.
I didn't plan on moving to Pleasant Grove
or being a single parent
or falling away from the church
or the drinking, smoking, partying, etc.

I didn't wake up one day and decide to be this person.
And most days, to be honest, I really don't WANT to be this person.

I know it sounds lame, but I know that I was supposed to go through all of that
to become all of this.
He knew me and knew that I would make these mistakes if put in the right situation.
He knew that I needed these trials to become a better person.
He knew that I needed Rowan in my life.

Once upon a time, I was a molly mormon girl who was weak, judemental, etc.

I never knew I'd become strong, beautiful, capable of anything that's thrown my way.
And even though my life can quite regularly be compared to hell
I know that I could take on the world.. and that's a good feeling for me.

God knows who we are better then we do. He has a plan for us.. but not only that, he knows who we're supposed to be.

And yeah, we have all these dreams and wants for ourselves, but what HE wants us to be is who we REALLY are. We just have to find the faith to trust him so we can get to reach our full potential as what he wants us to be.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Does the weather really match the mood or is that a myth? i'm sure Bones would tell me it's a myth but i'm starting to become a believer. This rain is reflecting my mood better than I can. I find myself crying by myself, then calling my sister for help, then stifling my tears and not sharing my feelings- but angry rants that i use to cover up my feelings along with humor and smiles to make it all seem okay. yeah, shocker.. me acting like everrrrrything is peachy. what IS this world coming to?! haha.. okay so there I go again. But really.. like seriously right now.. i feel as though a weight is crushing my throat, my face muscles are so tight its making my head hurt, my shoulders are tense, my stomach tight (not from working out)..

you know that song by tinie tempah and whoever else sings it, written in the stars? well the part where he says, "I used to be the kid that no one cared about, Thats why you have to keep screaming til they hear you out", yeah. well.. I need to learn how to do that.

Heres me, Melissa, who puts on this hard ass persona to cover up everything inside.. who laughs off pain, who fights it off, who acts like nothing can touch her. examples?? anyone ever watched veronica mars?? yeah, totally identify with veronica. i even found myself identifying with Easy A today (scary a little bit but kinda within the realm of things that probably wouldn't suprise my friends). I mean that girl going around just saying hey, look, this is what i did, and stickin it to everyone, covering her own feelings.. i totally do that. i mean maybe not to that extent but.. i do that. okay.. so maybe that was a bit of a stretch but.. you get what I mean.. hopefully.

and idk.. maybe it really is just what makes me.. ME. but then again, maybe its what gets me sitting here alone in my house, crying, wishing i didn't have to bear it all alone.. wishing i knew how to find help. but maybe help isn't out there. maybe thats the point.. is that i'll do it on my own. I find that most people are more concerned with their own problems then with others. maybe thats why we pay ppl like psychologists to listen to our problems.. because they'll actually listen and give you feedback unlike most people who half listen and give blank stares. haha I feel as though i'm onto something with that one. :]

maybe one day i'll have all the answers.

until then, all i have is cynisism, humor, and a tough girl attitude.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

i have

Looked down into my arms and seen a little more insight into why we live on this earth.

He is the result of my past and the guiding light into my future.

He is the reason I breathe.

And what he has given can never be taken away from me.

I love my Rowan bean.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

You know when you have one of those days.. maybe a few of those days actually.. when being a little black rain cloud is actually verrrry appropriate with the circumstances?? Yeah, that'd be my weekend. I'd send in my letter of resignation but I'm pretty sure the ppl at the post office would one, laugh at me labeling it "God" with no mailing adress.. and two well pretty sure God wouldn't smile down upon it. But it sounded good.. in theory.

On the bright side, Rowan is starting to say mama :)

At least I have one little ray of sunshine in my life

Even if it is pouring rain

Thursday, April 21, 2011


So this is me being too lazy to get in the computer at my parents house so.. I'm using mu android phone to post. Hopefully it works cuz sometimes this phone doesn't quite agree with me when im on the internet or with texts for that matter. Well where to start.. well I haven't been on here in a while cuz I totally couldn't sign in because of my password so I reset it and now we're good folks :) well good cuz I can blog now, not cuz life is good. I guess I'm pretty much a brutally honest person (if you know me well enough, you can very much attest to that) and this IS a blog so I'm gonna be honest.. this week has blown. I haven't felt so alone for a very long time. And it hurts. I very much feed off of ppl and need them but they've all just kinda.. left for one reason or the other. Some reasons are justified but most are selfish and I fear they will be the end of a few relationships. Oh and speaking of romantic relationships, pretty sure I just got out of a messy one of those with my heart pulverized. I don't think I've had that much pain in a relationshp since my babies daddy. I mean, talk about ridiculous for my first relationship after getting knocked up, right? Specially when I had just started school. Messed up. So many ppl around me are getting married or have boyfriends and then there's me. I mean, can a woman catch one break in her love life? Just one!!! I've never dated a nice guy. Not once. I mean they're all nice to start then its a trainwreck. And the worst part about this last relationship is I really let it break me down. I really let it destroy my being. I don't know why or how. Maybe because I'm a single moma and now more then ever, especially when I feel so alone and isolated, I just want to get married and have a family. I'm not saying I wanna get married to just anyone, or that I'm one of those crazy girls with wedding bells on their mind, but iits. Kinda hard not to think about marriage when you have a kick and most expecially when like ninety ppl are getting married left and right that I know. Sigh. Now I'm just sobbing about this. Haha at least ill feel better, eh? Ohh cyber joyrnals.. anyway, I've really let this all affect my schoolwork, happiness, mom skills, etc. And I just hope I can snap out of it. Its really hard to find ppl to relate to when you're a single mom, specially of my age when the aveage biggeest worries in kids my age are minute compared to mine; as are responsibilities. I knew that I could do all the hard work of being.a single mom, the go go go stuff.. what I was worried about was the support because without it, I'm nothing.. and this is a prime example of that. Alas.. tis time to branch out and make new friends and maybe date. Ugh. I hate dating. Maybe I can convince my dad to let me move. Its pretty sad I'm considering living with my parents out of lonliness and wanting to move farther away from sf and the ppl in it lol. Oh well. Maybe things will look up soon. Please world, challenge my cynicism.

Monday, February 14, 2011

school work house work

wow.. i never knew it'd be this hard to go to school
and have a family
well for one thing, i'm glad that i'm going to matc
so that i can do it all at my own pace
so there isn't much studying at home
unless i want to get ahead which of course i do
but i can do that at my own pace too
i don't know what i'd do if i had to do it at a
normal class pace
i barely know where the time goes in the day already
what with the school work, house work,
everything else, plus being away from rowan so much
sigh.. i hate spending so much time away
but i'm glad i have something to do with my time
i'm just keeping my sights set on finishing as fast as i can
getting it over with so i can get on with things
start working
making my own living and stuff :]
sigh.. this grown up thing is strange.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


so here starts the real beginning of the whole custody crap i guess
i hate it sooooo much
i spent a good hour yesterday just bawling my eyes out
by myself in my apartment
thinking about all this court crap
about everything that's happened to lead up to it

i really just don't wanna do this
but i know i have to for my son
it's just soooo emotionally draining

and i've just got so much going on
like starting school this monday
starting to balance a social life with
being a parent..


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

you can't count on anyone

but yourself

I'm falling

And all Rowan has to count on is Me

Monday, January 17, 2011

why oh why

do i feel so responsible for everyone around me?

i just want them all to be happy.
and I'd do anything to make that happen.
Even ppl i barely even know.

its so weird but its how i've always been. sigh.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


My mom knew that I've been having a really hard weekend so she suggested that I go with them to church today. I really, really, REALLY didn't want to because sleeping sounded sooo much better then going out in public, where I'd be expected to be showered and look like a presentable human being, and wear a smile for all those people in my parents ward who know my baby & in turn distantly know me.

Either way, I decided to go. My mom really encouraged me, found me a skirt, got Rowan ready, so I went on my way. Sacrament meeting was really hard. First of all I was starving, I had forgotten my glasses so I couldn't see the speaker, and I was resentful that I had to come to church. The only thing that I got out of sacrament meeting was that "hopefully everyone who is here will learn what they need from something in this meeting today". I was a bit discouraged and wanted to go home after sacrament but.. I prevailed!! haha just kidding, I stayed :] and I'm glad I did because..

A lady did a talk on faith. I'm not going to share the entire lesson.. that'd be boring. What I will share is that I learned that part of having faith is excersizing it which is doing something. Its more then just believing. & you may have to wait for a really long time for something to come to pass.. so long that you end up waiting until you are at your wits end, are about to give up, and then it will come. God has his own timetable for things and he has them for a reason. He does things to teach us what we need to learn. We must be faithful and put him first and then things will come for us. You must believe all the way. Sometimes these trials might put us in compromising positions but in the end it always works out. You just have to trust what God is doing.

I don't know if any of that makes sense.. but I was trying sooo hard not to just burst out in tears in the middle of the lesson. It hit me sooo hard and hurt but felt good to hear all at the same time. I'm going to work on trying to act on my faith.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

oh yeah.. i learned how to post pictures :]

stuck in my head

so i've been feeling sick off and on the last two days
consequently, i've been spending a lot of time just sleeping or laying around
and i can't help but get stuck in my own head
i mean.. i knew this single mom thing would be hard
but i always knew that i could do it
i've been busy like this before in my life
not with a kid of course, but other things
i know that i can just keep going going going
the thing that i hadn't anticipated was the emotional toll it would take on me
i guess that's probably because i didn't anticipate being so alone.
i mean i have people that say they support me
and they come through most times
but i don't have that support system that's always there
that shoulder to cry on when i need it the most
i don't have people that really understand what it's like for me
i get a lot of comments like.. well million of moms have done it before me
well.. millions of moms have had husbands to back them up
or family or friends
i mean i have some of that
but most of my friends were party friends
they left me as soon as they found out
they don't care about me unless i'm back out there doing what i used to do

it's so hard not to go back to that
it's so hard not to just give in and go back to my old "friends"
just so that i'm not alone

i mean yeah, i can make new, good friends
and i will
but it's really hard.
i guess part of me doesn't feel good enough
or feels like they're all going to judge me
or not want to be there because i'm going through so much right now

i just wish i had someone to call when i'm crying about custody things
someone to ask for advice about what to do
someone to help me keep getting myself back on track by moving forward

i know i can do this..
it's just going to be a longer road then i thought
one filled with more emotions then i know how to handle.

Friday, January 14, 2011


it makes me sick to think about the past.
my heart just throbs.
i can't stand it.
it's like i feel nothing and everything.
i know i have to get past what it all was
what i did
what he did
what everyone did.
but i've just been avoiding it for all this time
i don't feel ready
and its buried so deep
i'm not sure i can uncover it all
or that i even know how.

i know i have to keep moving for my son
sometimes that easier said then done.
now would be one of those times.

i don't regret the past.
i just wish i had come to terms with it all
a long time ago.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I wish

that i would've written more about my journey on here.
I wish I would've expressed more of what it was like.
The good. The bad. The really bad haha.
So after much debate, I'm going to write a book..
At least for me and Rowan.

Also. once I get internet
I shall write about my single mom adventures.

That's all :]

It all seems so unreal

Some days I still can't believe that I'm a mother. It is so unreal to me. The idea both makes me proud and terrifies me. I can't believe I've made it this far. I can't believe that I've grown up this much. I also can't believe that I have this much responsibility. I don't think I'll ever feel ready to take all of this on. The idea of going to school (which I'll be starting shortly) scares me a bit. I've got to be the one to bring home the bacon though so I figure I better just embrace the fact that I wear both the pants and the apron. Then there's the prospect of making new, mormon friends, that are good for me, and dating. Ahhh! The dreaded dating. I can hardly imagine getting into that again. Don't get me wrong, I would love to date right now, I don't want to be a single mom forever, but I haven't done it for sooo long that it's just sooo scary. Then there's the fact that most of the guys I've met since being pregnant have just been creepy towards me once they've found out that I have a baby. A relationship just doesn't seem possible. Then again, it didn't seem possible that I'd ever be able to take care of a baby on my own, or run a household on my own, so I guess maybe some day it'll happen. How in the world this became a dating entry, I don't know. Well anyway, as glamorous as being a single mom is, being peed on, pooped on, spit up on, being up at all hours, getting up early, barely having time to eat pee or shower, I wouldn't trade it for the world. My little man is all I need :] and I know this is only the beginning of my journey.