Tuesday, January 18, 2011

you can't count on anyone

but yourself

I'm falling

And all Rowan has to count on is Me

Monday, January 17, 2011

why oh why

do i feel so responsible for everyone around me?

i just want them all to be happy.
and I'd do anything to make that happen.
Even ppl i barely even know.

its so weird but its how i've always been. sigh.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Faith

My mom knew that I've been having a really hard weekend so she suggested that I go with them to church today. I really, really, REALLY didn't want to because sleeping sounded sooo much better then going out in public, where I'd be expected to be showered and look like a presentable human being, and wear a smile for all those people in my parents ward who know my baby & in turn distantly know me.

Either way, I decided to go. My mom really encouraged me, found me a skirt, got Rowan ready, so I went on my way. Sacrament meeting was really hard. First of all I was starving, I had forgotten my glasses so I couldn't see the speaker, and I was resentful that I had to come to church. The only thing that I got out of sacrament meeting was that "hopefully everyone who is here will learn what they need from something in this meeting today". I was a bit discouraged and wanted to go home after sacrament but.. I prevailed!! haha just kidding, I stayed :] and I'm glad I did because..

A lady did a talk on faith. I'm not going to share the entire lesson.. that'd be boring. What I will share is that I learned that part of having faith is excersizing it which is doing something. Its more then just believing. & you may have to wait for a really long time for something to come to pass.. so long that you end up waiting until you are at your wits end, are about to give up, and then it will come. God has his own timetable for things and he has them for a reason. He does things to teach us what we need to learn. We must be faithful and put him first and then things will come for us. You must believe all the way. Sometimes these trials might put us in compromising positions but in the end it always works out. You just have to trust what God is doing.

I don't know if any of that makes sense.. but I was trying sooo hard not to just burst out in tears in the middle of the lesson. It hit me sooo hard and hurt but felt good to hear all at the same time. I'm going to work on trying to act on my faith.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

oh yeah.. i learned how to post pictures :]



stuck in my head

so i've been feeling sick off and on the last two days
consequently, i've been spending a lot of time just sleeping or laying around
and i can't help but get stuck in my own head
i mean.. i knew this single mom thing would be hard
but i always knew that i could do it
i've been busy like this before in my life
not with a kid of course, but other things
i know that i can just keep going going going
the thing that i hadn't anticipated was the emotional toll it would take on me
i guess that's probably because i didn't anticipate being so alone.
i mean i have people that say they support me
and they come through most times
but i don't have that support system that's always there
that shoulder to cry on when i need it the most
i don't have people that really understand what it's like for me
i get a lot of comments like.. well million of moms have done it before me
well.. millions of moms have had husbands to back them up
or family or friends
i mean i have some of that
but most of my friends were party friends
they left me as soon as they found out
they don't care about me unless i'm back out there doing what i used to do

it's so hard not to go back to that
it's so hard not to just give in and go back to my old "friends"
just so that i'm not alone

i mean yeah, i can make new, good friends
and i will
but it's really hard.
i guess part of me doesn't feel good enough
or feels like they're all going to judge me
or not want to be there because i'm going through so much right now

i just wish i had someone to call when i'm crying about custody things
someone to ask for advice about what to do
someone to help me keep getting myself back on track by moving forward


i know i can do this..
it's just going to be a longer road then i thought
one filled with more emotions then i know how to handle.

Friday, January 14, 2011

ugh.

it makes me sick to think about the past.
my heart just throbs.
i can't stand it.
it's like i feel nothing and everything.
i know i have to get past what it all was
what i did
what he did
what everyone did.
but i've just been avoiding it for all this time
i don't feel ready
and its buried so deep
i'm not sure i can uncover it all
or that i even know how.

sigh.
i know i have to keep moving for my son
but..
sometimes that easier said then done.
now would be one of those times.

i don't regret the past.
i just wish i had come to terms with it all
a long time ago.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I wish

that i would've written more about my journey on here.
I wish I would've expressed more of what it was like.
The good. The bad. The really bad haha.
So after much debate, I'm going to write a book..
At least for me and Rowan.

Also. once I get internet
I shall write about my single mom adventures.

That's all :]

It all seems so unreal

Some days I still can't believe that I'm a mother. It is so unreal to me. The idea both makes me proud and terrifies me. I can't believe I've made it this far. I can't believe that I've grown up this much. I also can't believe that I have this much responsibility. I don't think I'll ever feel ready to take all of this on. The idea of going to school (which I'll be starting shortly) scares me a bit. I've got to be the one to bring home the bacon though so I figure I better just embrace the fact that I wear both the pants and the apron. Then there's the prospect of making new, mormon friends, that are good for me, and dating. Ahhh! The dreaded dating. I can hardly imagine getting into that again. Don't get me wrong, I would love to date right now, I don't want to be a single mom forever, but I haven't done it for sooo long that it's just sooo scary. Then there's the fact that most of the guys I've met since being pregnant have just been creepy towards me once they've found out that I have a baby. A relationship just doesn't seem possible. Then again, it didn't seem possible that I'd ever be able to take care of a baby on my own, or run a household on my own, so I guess maybe some day it'll happen. How in the world this became a dating entry, I don't know. Well anyway, as glamorous as being a single mom is, being peed on, pooped on, spit up on, being up at all hours, getting up early, barely having time to eat pee or shower, I wouldn't trade it for the world. My little man is all I need :] and I know this is only the beginning of my journey.