Saturday, January 15, 2011

stuck in my head

so i've been feeling sick off and on the last two days
consequently, i've been spending a lot of time just sleeping or laying around
and i can't help but get stuck in my own head
i mean.. i knew this single mom thing would be hard
but i always knew that i could do it
i've been busy like this before in my life
not with a kid of course, but other things
i know that i can just keep going going going
the thing that i hadn't anticipated was the emotional toll it would take on me
i guess that's probably because i didn't anticipate being so alone.
i mean i have people that say they support me
and they come through most times
but i don't have that support system that's always there
that shoulder to cry on when i need it the most
i don't have people that really understand what it's like for me
i get a lot of comments like.. well million of moms have done it before me
well.. millions of moms have had husbands to back them up
or family or friends
i mean i have some of that
but most of my friends were party friends
they left me as soon as they found out
they don't care about me unless i'm back out there doing what i used to do

it's so hard not to go back to that
it's so hard not to just give in and go back to my old "friends"
just so that i'm not alone

i mean yeah, i can make new, good friends
and i will
but it's really hard.
i guess part of me doesn't feel good enough
or feels like they're all going to judge me
or not want to be there because i'm going through so much right now

i just wish i had someone to call when i'm crying about custody things
someone to ask for advice about what to do
someone to help me keep getting myself back on track by moving forward

i know i can do this..
it's just going to be a longer road then i thought
one filled with more emotions then i know how to handle.

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