Saturday, May 21, 2011

plans

I never planned on being that girl who got pregnant as a teen.. or out of wedlock.
I never planned on going to school to become a medical secretary.
I didn't plan on moving to Pleasant Grove
or being a single parent
or falling away from the church
or the drinking, smoking, partying, etc.

I didn't wake up one day and decide to be this person.
And most days, to be honest, I really don't WANT to be this person.

I know it sounds lame, but I know that I was supposed to go through all of that
to become all of this.
He knew me and knew that I would make these mistakes if put in the right situation.
He knew that I needed these trials to become a better person.
He knew that I needed Rowan in my life.


Once upon a time, I was a molly mormon girl who was weak, judemental, etc.

I never knew I'd become strong, beautiful, capable of anything that's thrown my way.
And even though my life can quite regularly be compared to hell
I know that I could take on the world.. and that's a good feeling for me.


God knows who we are better then we do. He has a plan for us.. but not only that, he knows who we're supposed to be.

And yeah, we have all these dreams and wants for ourselves, but what HE wants us to be is who we REALLY are. We just have to find the faith to trust him so we can get to reach our full potential as what he wants us to be.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rain

Does the weather really match the mood or is that a myth? i'm sure Bones would tell me it's a myth but i'm starting to become a believer. This rain is reflecting my mood better than I can. I find myself crying by myself, then calling my sister for help, then stifling my tears and not sharing my feelings- but angry rants that i use to cover up my feelings along with humor and smiles to make it all seem okay. yeah, shocker.. me acting like everrrrrything is peachy. what IS this world coming to?! haha.. okay so there I go again. But really.. like seriously right now.. i feel as though a weight is crushing my throat, my face muscles are so tight its making my head hurt, my shoulders are tense, my stomach tight (not from working out)..

you know that song by tinie tempah and whoever else sings it, written in the stars? well the part where he says, "I used to be the kid that no one cared about, Thats why you have to keep screaming til they hear you out", yeah. well.. I need to learn how to do that.

Heres me, Melissa, who puts on this hard ass persona to cover up everything inside.. who laughs off pain, who fights it off, who acts like nothing can touch her. examples?? anyone ever watched veronica mars?? yeah, totally identify with veronica. i even found myself identifying with Easy A today (scary a little bit but kinda within the realm of things that probably wouldn't suprise my friends). I mean that girl going around just saying hey, look, this is what i did, and stickin it to everyone, covering her own feelings.. i totally do that. i mean maybe not to that extent but.. i do that. okay.. so maybe that was a bit of a stretch but.. you get what I mean.. hopefully.

and idk.. maybe it really is just what makes me.. ME. but then again, maybe its what gets me sitting here alone in my house, crying, wishing i didn't have to bear it all alone.. wishing i knew how to find help. but maybe help isn't out there. maybe thats the point.. is that i'll do it on my own. I find that most people are more concerned with their own problems then with others. maybe thats why we pay ppl like psychologists to listen to our problems.. because they'll actually listen and give you feedback unlike most people who half listen and give blank stares. haha I feel as though i'm onto something with that one. :]

maybe one day i'll have all the answers.


until then, all i have is cynisism, humor, and a tough girl attitude.