Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How it hurts in the worst way

Yeah, I'm blogging for the third time today. Baby daddy called about the drug test results, we got to arguing, and he said he wanted to get rid of our agreement, only pay child support, stop seeing Rowan, and get out of the way. I told him I didnt want that, that I wanted him to see his son and he said that it wasnt what I wanted, and thats what he was going to do and he wanted to do it before I go on my trip out of the country in a few days.

I was shocked to say the least. I still am. I was fumbling over my words. How could anyone ever say they were going to do that? I mean he's said it a few times before but not like this.

My heart is broken.

I really hope he's not serious.

I guess I just need to pray and put it in Gods hands.

drug tests and how they effect

So he tested dirty... well the equivalent, it was a diluted urine sample.. and really like I was excited that we finally caught him doing what I know all along he's been doing but at the same time, I have a million other emotions. I'm stressed cuz its gonna be super hard to get all this and other contempt actions through the court and have the outcome be what we want.. plus it hurts. Why are drugs more important then his son? Why is his son not important to him? Why can't he love him like I do? I wish he'd just quit the bullshit and grow up and be a father. I hate seeing rowan have to suffer for my choices to have a child with a boy who won't step up to the plate. It makes me sick.

I put on a happy face and laugh it off but really I'm always thinking, what kind of ass hole puts himself before his angelbaby boy? I would do anything for rowan. I've changed my entire life for the kid. I've gone through hell for him. I hope he knows I tried. This court stuff is hell but I'm doing it for him. I'm doing it cuz I love him and I know its important to know his dad, even if he is a deadbeat. I hope he knows that someday.

On the brighter side of things, rowan is getting huge!! And he only has one heart murmur now which doesn't affect his health. He's army crawling and starting to crawl normal :) he can wave, he's starting to make more sounds, he can almost say nana.. man that kid just does the cutest things. And boy, is he handsome :) I make good looking babies! He just has thee most beautiful eyes. And everyone who gets to know him just loves him cuz he's seriously just a little ray of sunshine. He's sooo happy and just LOVES people so much.

I can't wait to take him swimming for the first time in the grand caymans :) this is going to be a great summer!

Common Misconceptions

Judgement happens every day. Sometimes it's a good thing ie: that cars brake lights came on, I should probably slow down. Sometimes its a really bad thing. I think my life has been filled with more of the bad then the good.

I feel as though peoples ignorance about situations turn into judgements that ultimately end up hurt themselves and other people. Granted, I understand that ignorance takes time and willingnesd to remedy, but how much effort do you see being put into learning as opposed to judging?

I'm LDS so I must be judgemental, think I'm better and more righteous then other, and be crazy religious. I come from a family who is well off so I must be spoiled and think I'm better then everyone else. I'm 20 so I must be immature and stupid. I'm a single mom so I must be an ignorant whore who slept around and will never learn her lesson. I decided to keep my kid after getting pregnant so I must be selfish and ignorant. I have BPD so I must be crazy.

How ridiculous and demeaning is all of that? And how hard is it to open your mouth and your mind to ask and get to know what kind of person I really am?

The hardest for me are the common misconceptions about being a single mom. Being a single mom is HARD. There are.a lot of tears involved. Then think about being a single mom as a teen? Its twenty thousand times harder. The challenges I face daily are ones most people couldn't imagine. I have crap to deal with all the time with my babies dad, on top of school, expenses, therapy, soon work, and taking care of myself and my son every day. Its hard enough to learn to grow up, become responsible, and live on your own without throwing a kid in the mix.

And just because I had sex and got pregnant doesn't mean I sleep around. People make mistakes. I made a mistake with one person. But since I got pregnant, I have to walk around with a red A on my chest because now everyone knows? Why is it that having sex is alright but when you get pregnant, its automatically so bad? Its like people think you're stupid. Guess what? People get pregnant while using protection all the time! So its not ignorance, its just part of your plan. That's it.

Want to know what single mom's really are? They're strong and motivated. They're a mom and a dad. They're hardworking. They're so incredibly loving and make so many sacrifices. They don't give up. They stare down the oppisition in this world that says they can't do it and they show them, yes, I can- despite all the disadvantages, the hardships, the lack of experience, money, whatever.

At the end of the day, we're people, like you.. with challenges and trials, like you.. and these trials were a part of our plan.. and all trials are blessings.. yours just may not come without wedding bands by stork wrapped in pink and blue.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

From the wise words of Bailey

"In a talk today someone quoted brigham young saying 'our families aren't ours. God has temporarily entrusted us with them to see how we treat them. And depending on how we treat them, that determines if god will us be a eternal family.' and that's true. God is rowans father." -Bailey

It hurts every day to think that I brought Rowan into this world with someone who doesn't come close to being a proper father to him.. but this makes it hurt much less.

Hopefully when Rowan's older, I can explain this to him and he'll understand.

I just want him to always know that no matter what, I want the world for him... and those were my intentions all along.

Fathers Day

I was thinking that Mothers Day was hard but I'm thinking that Fathers Day takes the cake.. I thought I would just be focused on my Dad and brothers and celebrating them being great fathers, but I just can't stop thinking about how I don't have a father for Rowan. I mean I guess he has a Dad, just not one that is so active in his life if you know what I mean. I wish he could have a dad that he could see every day, who he could get excited at the end of each day when he came home from work, for him to have a Dad like I did.

I'm really sad that I can't give him that. I just hope that someday I can.. :[