Tuesday, June 21, 2011

drug tests and how they effect

So he tested dirty... well the equivalent, it was a diluted urine sample.. and really like I was excited that we finally caught him doing what I know all along he's been doing but at the same time, I have a million other emotions. I'm stressed cuz its gonna be super hard to get all this and other contempt actions through the court and have the outcome be what we want.. plus it hurts. Why are drugs more important then his son? Why is his son not important to him? Why can't he love him like I do? I wish he'd just quit the bullshit and grow up and be a father. I hate seeing rowan have to suffer for my choices to have a child with a boy who won't step up to the plate. It makes me sick.

I put on a happy face and laugh it off but really I'm always thinking, what kind of ass hole puts himself before his angelbaby boy? I would do anything for rowan. I've changed my entire life for the kid. I've gone through hell for him. I hope he knows I tried. This court stuff is hell but I'm doing it for him. I'm doing it cuz I love him and I know its important to know his dad, even if he is a deadbeat. I hope he knows that someday.

On the brighter side of things, rowan is getting huge!! And he only has one heart murmur now which doesn't affect his health. He's army crawling and starting to crawl normal :) he can wave, he's starting to make more sounds, he can almost say nana.. man that kid just does the cutest things. And boy, is he handsome :) I make good looking babies! He just has thee most beautiful eyes. And everyone who gets to know him just loves him cuz he's seriously just a little ray of sunshine. He's sooo happy and just LOVES people so much.

I can't wait to take him swimming for the first time in the grand caymans :) this is going to be a great summer!

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