Thursday, July 28, 2011

He's lucky to have me

It never ceases to put a huge smile on my face when I talk to a friend, they ask me how Rowan is doing, then they day he's lucky to have me as a mom. HELLO!!! I'm lucky to have you as a friend! There's nothing more fulfilling then being a mom so there's no better compliment than saying I'm a good one.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

it never fails to make my day

When I come home to get Rowan after he's been with the babysitter and as soon as he sees me, he has a huge grin on his face, he flaps his arms and legs cuz.. well that's what babies do when they're excited lol.. he starts squeeling and makes a beeline for me (or attempts to dive out of his captors arms to fall into my arms). Its the best feeling ever. I know I must be doing something right.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I can do this on my own.

Isn't it funny how we rely so much on others to hold us up? I've found out in the past few years that I really used to count on a huge support system to hold me up or i would fall. Really though, most of the time I can't count on anyone but myself. That been the hard part since I've gotten pregnant is learning how to rely on me and only me at all times because a lot of the time, I don't have anyone to fall back on, muchless even talk to about the hard things I'm going through. Well, right now is one of those times where I feel like I really need people.. and keep reaching out to them.. and not only do i get nothing back but i get the cold shoulder or rude remarks. like really people?! I need you right now and you know this!! So i've been feeling like a grade A loser and have recently gone back to this whole, well i can do this on my own, mentality and decided to give up on friends and dating and all of that and just focus on being a good mom, my schoolwork, therapy, and church. well..

today i was having a really hard day after a really hard weekend. I was trying to be positive but i was having a hard time not bursting into tears because all efforts to not be alone had blown up in my face and it was really getting to be the last straw. I cried all weekend though so i was trying not to make a scene around my family because i was worried they'd think i was falling apart. well my dad and mom both came to talk to me seperately.. it seriously lifted me up out of that dark hole i was slipping into. My dad never does stuff like that so i was shocked. he just sympathized and told me that things would get better and that i've come a really long way!! :D i was seriously floored. and then he made some suggestions on how to get where i want. then.. my mom just hugged me and told me how proud she was of me and how much she cared and knew how hard i worked and how much it hurt to be in my position. like i just started crying. i couldn't help it. those words were gold to me. i'm so glad someone appreciates how hard i work! i couldn't contain myself haha.

i really hope this little ray of sunshine can keep me going for a while.

i wanna be something Rowan is proud of.

Monday, July 25, 2011

the good news and the bad news

you know, sometimes I don't know why i name these posts the things I do. like really haha.. you probably thought I got good and bad news but you are sadly mistaken haha. really i just have a mixed post to write. well.. hop to it? i think so. the bad is always best first because then you end on a good note.

well.. i swear it's impossible to find real genuine good friends and then good guys to date. like yesterday was a disaster. haha i feel like such a baby back biiishhh but like i just sat in my house for an hour just bawling my eyes out.. and cried off and on after that. my day was just horrible as was my mood! i just couldn't snap out of it and not from lack of trying. I mean i spent all this quality time with my son, i took him to the park, i relaxed.. but things were just not good with my family, not good with my friends not to mention the fact that I have like zero friends, and not good with a guy i'm dating. like and the worst is when you're crying and then you're like oh well i just need someone to talk to so you try and talk to ppl and instead of making it better, they just make it worse so then you just feel more alone. yeah.. that was my yesterday! it was one of those moments where i wanted to chuck my phone cuz i was so mad that i didn't have anyone to call to talk to haha. but i mean it's no new feeling. i've felt alone in this off and on for the last.. four or more years and completely alone through raising Rowan. completely. aaaand I must confess that I was angry at God cuz i've done all he's wanted me to do up until now for the past year and like gotten none of the blessings he's promised me in my blessings, specially the ones I really need like.. finding friends and supportive ppl and decent guys to date. so i was boycotting the man upstairs for a minute. idk hopefully i can meet some new ppl when i move.. if i get this place.. and then things will hopefully get better for me! but for now i'll just have to hang in there.. cuz today is starting to suck just like yesterday did and idk it's just not looking so good for this week. haha and don't even get me started on guys.. all i have to say is i mean.. i don't believe there are bad guys, but guys just kinda treat girls badly if they're not the right girl.. but i've been treated badly by so many guys that i think i'm just used to the crap so i take it.. yeah it's bad.. i mean now i'll actually break it off but i swear i just have no idea what to do with relationships when i get one and lets just say everrrrythang seems to be going south with that.. which sucks cuz i really really wanna date :[ but anyways..

now for the good.. i have seriously fallen in love with my son again. like that kid is the best thing that has ever happened to this world. he is amazing! like yesterday and today, he has just put a smile on my face and given me the motivation to do things instead of stay in bed all day like i want. like for real, the kids smile is so cute, you can't help but smile back. and he just comes up over to me and just wants me to be playing with him all the time. like i guess it makes me feel good that he needs me and at least he enjoys spending time with me haha. and then like.. he's starting to become less of a baby and more of a toddler so he does like more intelligent stuff and more little kid stuff.. like what he does actually has purpose now which just is amazing cuz i love love love little kids at that stage and love it even more with my own son. the more personality kids have, the more fun i have playing with them and connecting with them. idk i wish i could explain the bond between me and him and how it's really just exploded and gotten soooo much better lately but i just can't. i didn't ever know i could love someone this much and it just keeps growing!

he's just such a blessing in my life. he's my sunshine. he's my light at the end of the tunnel. he's the reason i get up in the morning. being a mom is the best and most challenging thing that has ever happened to me yet. i just hope that I can continue to have a strong bond with my Rowmeister, find someone to marry who shares that love and that bond with him, and find friends that can love him also and be there for me and him.

whats Gods plan for me from here on out? i don't know.

whats my plan for me from here on out? re evaluate my friends and who i date. find new friends and ppl to date. move. and basically rearrange my whole life haha.

i'll let you know how that turns out.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

a great way to explain where i'm currently at

its weird i haven't really posted my poetry or some random lyrics on here like ever.. cuz i'm usually obsessive about that type of stuff lol but here's a song that randomly came up on my pandora that I'm in love with that has great lyrics that explain where i'm at currently. that that that. :p

Down by Jason Walker

I don't know where I'm at
I'm standing at the back
And I'm tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
That I could be missing
I'm missing way too much
So when do I give up what I've been wishing for

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.
Oh I'm going down, down, down
Can't find another way around
And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing of what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it's coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it's coming down, down, down.

Read more:
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community

Thursday, July 21, 2011

more decisions

When will the decisions end? I feel as though they will never end. Sigh. Buttttttt I may have found an apartment which im way excited about :D it'll be great if I get it. Ill know by Tuesday!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

i don't wanna settle

I've been thinking about dating as a single mom a lot lately. It's really an intimidating thing for me because of my dating track record. In the past, I really just gave anyone a chance at dating me which I think was my first downfall because I would get involved with people that only had a few qualities I liked and a lot of qualities I couldn't stand plus they all would have a lot of baggage; which is fine, I have baggage too, but I kinda think I'm a little bit of a "fixer" which also created a lot of problems. I get myself into relationships with people that I know that it won't work out for the longterm and then get frustrated because either I have to lower my standards or they have to higher theres and I don't want to be the one to expect them to change so I either lower mine or just stop dating them. But thats hard for me to cuz I don't know where to draw the line of standards. Obviously I want an active mormon guy but there are always circumstances. How mature should I expect him to be? Should I expect him to be good with kids? Should I expect him to be financially ready for me and a kid? Should I say no to all those who aren't? It gets really complicated..

Since I've had a kid, this has been a hard habit to break. I think one of the biggest problems is that I don't really meet guys anymore. I mean first of all, I'm busy alllll the time.. then there's the fact that lots of guys seem to run when they find out you have a kid and then to be honest I'm really kind of anti social so I haven't really met any friends since I've had Rowan anyway, much less guys to date. And then there's the maturity factor.. ugh. That one is a killlller for guys to date and friends. It's sooo hard to be around people that are just in a really different stage in their life with different priorities. They just really don't get what real life is like as an adult.. it's so hard to relate to them, confide in them, hang out with them, and share your child with them.. but I guess thats another topic for another blog another time.. another another another :p

Another thing is me being worried about all sorts of trust things. I guess my ex kinda ruined me in that way but I am now insecure about everything. I worry about how I look, what they're thinking, if they're lying, if they're doing things behind my back, cheating, drugs, if they're just going to use me.. It's so stupid. I was never like that before. I was almost too trusting in fact. I hate feeling insecure. I know all my good qualities but for some reason when I think about myself, all the negative things people have said about me are louder than my thoughts.. and that's really embarassing for me to admit to.. but it's something I'm working on.

I really am sick of bad relationships and relationships that go nowhere. As a single mom, all you want it to find someone that's good for your child and good for you. I want a daddy for my baby boy and someone that comes home to me at night. I want to know that there is always someone there for me. i want to work together with someone to raise my son. Just like every other single mom, I want a family.. A real one, not my little broken one. Not saying I don't appreciate my little family of me and Rowan- it's my everything.. but I need more.

So I have decided recently that I am going to focus on meeting some new people and such. I know I need to date around to see what I want and what I need. I've decided that I'm going to make a list of qualities I need in someone because I don't want to settle. I've settled enough in my life. I see all these happy couples who are perfect for each other and I want that. I want to find the guy that makes my heart skip a beat, who's there for my everything, who is my rock, a great dad, someone I can stay up talking to about life, who i can share all the awesome things Rowan has done with, someone who loves me for me and will for all eternity, someone who makes me better. And I refuse to settle for anything less than amazing.

I just need to keep telling myself that I deserve the best.
Keep reminding myself that he is out there.
And tell myself that the Lord will help me find him when I'm supposed to.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Funerals and falling away

I never think of life as so precious until a baby is born or someome dies. I know its silly to forget about the beautiful gift of life our father in heaven has given us all but I do.. And it seems to bw in my life, im reminded of that often. Ive been to a lot of funerals in my life.. A lot. Recently a childhood friend of mine passed away. I wish we wouldve kept in touch but in elementary school our wards split and we didnt hang out adter that. She took her life this past saturday. And it hit me harder than death usually does. Im the type of person who cries at funerals even if I didn't know the person but with this one.. it just hit really close to home. She suffered with depression since she was thirteen.. I've suffered with it my whole life. She's been suicidal since thirteen.. so have I. She was always trying to reach out and help others with their problems.. so do I. And she took her life.. which I have personally been stopped from doing many times. I started to think back and just cry because I know that I got pregnant with my son and am in the situation that I'm in at this very specific time because if it all didn't happen just right at the right time, I would've taken my life. And I know many people who struggle with suicide. I know the pain. And I love this girl dearly for it. She battled a long time and I truely hope she is happy now in the arms of the savior. I know she will be taken care of up there in heaven.

Life is such a blessing. I do not judge those who have moments where they believe differently because I know how it is and I would hope others wouldn't judge either. At the funeral, they said we do not understand what happens on the other side to ppl that choose to take their own life, but do not judge and condemn them, cuz they were mentally clouded. Sigh.

Anyway so I started thinking about how I'm starting to fall away from all my plans cuz I feel like I just can't go on lately. I feel very broken. I've just been going for so long that I just can't go anymore. And I thought about when I used to get to that point, I would fall, I would get into bad stuff, I would get suicidal.. and it was a reality check that just cuz my kid saved me in the first place doesn't mean I'm immune for falling down. I realized I'm in therapy and go to church because I want to learn how to be able to get through no matter what. And I mean I had to stop and make myself remember that I am going through a lot and ppl have fallen from much less but its still embarrassing and hard.

So I'm starting a new plan for myself :) I've decided to start small with goals like going to church ebery Sunday and learning a lesson each day, I want to start a notebook where I write those lessons down, then I want to read the book of mormon and say my prayers every day. Then i'll keep working on my therapy and doing more constructive things lately. I wanna make a list of every goal I have to become the mom I want to be. Ill post the list when I finish it :D

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Grand Caymans & various other adventures, body and mind

Don't even ask about that title haha. I'm really tired, that's the only excuse I've gotat the mmmoment.

Well I went with my family on a semi-adult trip (I had to bring Rowan cuz his dad was saying he'd take him if I left him with a neighbor and I couldn't let that happen, plus mmy niece had to come) to the Grand Caymans this past week. Let me tell you, it was the best trip of my life besides Korea with my brother. I mean, I didn't wanna leave. I still wanna go back. I mean, we swam with dolphins and sting rays, went snorkeling, went to the beach every day (the water is super calm there and like upwards of eighty degrees), we went shopping, saw turtles, went biolumenescence kyaking which was soooo beyond rad, we took family pictures (ill try and post those soon).. it was all amazing. The traveling with a baby thing was pretty hard. And the airlines lost my carseat!! I wanted to beat em with it. They gave me a loaner till they got mine back to me but of course now, mines all beaten up, the little cover is bent >:(

Anyways, special shout out to my dad for thee best trip ever. I had so much fun and got to relax a lot.

Idk though like.. its been hard coming back to reality. I feel like I'm slacking as a parent and in life a lot lately cuz I'm so overwhelmed, I just avoid responsibility with certain things and going on vacation definitely has made it harder. Lately I've been having to go back and think about why I chose to keep my son, why I am where I'm at, all that stuff, so that I can find motivation from somewhere to move along in life.. I just feel so incredibly burned out and spent though that I just don't even know. I guess God doesn't give us any task we can't conquer.