Thursday, July 7, 2011

Funerals and falling away

I never think of life as so precious until a baby is born or someome dies. I know its silly to forget about the beautiful gift of life our father in heaven has given us all but I do.. And it seems to bw in my life, im reminded of that often. Ive been to a lot of funerals in my life.. A lot. Recently a childhood friend of mine passed away. I wish we wouldve kept in touch but in elementary school our wards split and we didnt hang out adter that. She took her life this past saturday. And it hit me harder than death usually does. Im the type of person who cries at funerals even if I didn't know the person but with this one.. it just hit really close to home. She suffered with depression since she was thirteen.. I've suffered with it my whole life. She's been suicidal since thirteen.. so have I. She was always trying to reach out and help others with their problems.. so do I. And she took her life.. which I have personally been stopped from doing many times. I started to think back and just cry because I know that I got pregnant with my son and am in the situation that I'm in at this very specific time because if it all didn't happen just right at the right time, I would've taken my life. And I know many people who struggle with suicide. I know the pain. And I love this girl dearly for it. She battled a long time and I truely hope she is happy now in the arms of the savior. I know she will be taken care of up there in heaven.

Life is such a blessing. I do not judge those who have moments where they believe differently because I know how it is and I would hope others wouldn't judge either. At the funeral, they said we do not understand what happens on the other side to ppl that choose to take their own life, but do not judge and condemn them, cuz they were mentally clouded. Sigh.

Anyway so I started thinking about how I'm starting to fall away from all my plans cuz I feel like I just can't go on lately. I feel very broken. I've just been going for so long that I just can't go anymore. And I thought about when I used to get to that point, I would fall, I would get into bad stuff, I would get suicidal.. and it was a reality check that just cuz my kid saved me in the first place doesn't mean I'm immune for falling down. I realized I'm in therapy and go to church because I want to learn how to be able to get through no matter what. And I mean I had to stop and make myself remember that I am going through a lot and ppl have fallen from much less but its still embarrassing and hard.

So I'm starting a new plan for myself :) I've decided to start small with goals like going to church ebery Sunday and learning a lesson each day, I want to start a notebook where I write those lessons down, then I want to read the book of mormon and say my prayers every day. Then i'll keep working on my therapy and doing more constructive things lately. I wanna make a list of every goal I have to become the mom I want to be. Ill post the list when I finish it :D

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