Monday, July 25, 2011

the good news and the bad news

you know, sometimes I don't know why i name these posts the things I do. like really haha.. you probably thought I got good and bad news but you are sadly mistaken haha. really i just have a mixed post to write. well.. hop to it? i think so. the bad is always best first because then you end on a good note.

well.. i swear it's impossible to find real genuine good friends and then good guys to date. like yesterday was a disaster. haha i feel like such a baby back biiishhh but like i just sat in my house for an hour just bawling my eyes out.. and cried off and on after that. my day was just horrible as was my mood! i just couldn't snap out of it and not from lack of trying. I mean i spent all this quality time with my son, i took him to the park, i relaxed.. but things were just not good with my family, not good with my friends not to mention the fact that I have like zero friends, and not good with a guy i'm dating. like and the worst is when you're crying and then you're like oh well i just need someone to talk to so you try and talk to ppl and instead of making it better, they just make it worse so then you just feel more alone. yeah.. that was my yesterday! it was one of those moments where i wanted to chuck my phone cuz i was so mad that i didn't have anyone to call to talk to haha. but i mean it's no new feeling. i've felt alone in this off and on for the last.. four or more years and completely alone through raising Rowan. completely. aaaand I must confess that I was angry at God cuz i've done all he's wanted me to do up until now for the past year and like gotten none of the blessings he's promised me in my blessings, specially the ones I really need like.. finding friends and supportive ppl and decent guys to date. so i was boycotting the man upstairs for a minute. idk hopefully i can meet some new ppl when i move.. if i get this place.. and then things will hopefully get better for me! but for now i'll just have to hang in there.. cuz today is starting to suck just like yesterday did and idk it's just not looking so good for this week. haha and don't even get me started on guys.. all i have to say is i mean.. i don't believe there are bad guys, but guys just kinda treat girls badly if they're not the right girl.. but i've been treated badly by so many guys that i think i'm just used to the crap so i take it.. yeah it's bad.. i mean now i'll actually break it off but i swear i just have no idea what to do with relationships when i get one and lets just say everrrrythang seems to be going south with that.. which sucks cuz i really really wanna date :[ but anyways..

now for the good.. i have seriously fallen in love with my son again. like that kid is the best thing that has ever happened to this world. he is amazing! like yesterday and today, he has just put a smile on my face and given me the motivation to do things instead of stay in bed all day like i want. like for real, the kids smile is so cute, you can't help but smile back. and he just comes up over to me and just wants me to be playing with him all the time. like i guess it makes me feel good that he needs me and at least he enjoys spending time with me haha. and then like.. he's starting to become less of a baby and more of a toddler so he does like more intelligent stuff and more little kid stuff.. like what he does actually has purpose now which just is amazing cuz i love love love little kids at that stage and love it even more with my own son. the more personality kids have, the more fun i have playing with them and connecting with them. idk i wish i could explain the bond between me and him and how it's really just exploded and gotten soooo much better lately but i just can't. i didn't ever know i could love someone this much and it just keeps growing!

he's just such a blessing in my life. he's my sunshine. he's my light at the end of the tunnel. he's the reason i get up in the morning. being a mom is the best and most challenging thing that has ever happened to me yet. i just hope that I can continue to have a strong bond with my Rowmeister, find someone to marry who shares that love and that bond with him, and find friends that can love him also and be there for me and him.

whats Gods plan for me from here on out? i don't know.

whats my plan for me from here on out? re evaluate my friends and who i date. find new friends and ppl to date. move. and basically rearrange my whole life haha.

i'll let you know how that turns out.

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