Saturday, July 9, 2011

i don't wanna settle

I've been thinking about dating as a single mom a lot lately. It's really an intimidating thing for me because of my dating track record. In the past, I really just gave anyone a chance at dating me which I think was my first downfall because I would get involved with people that only had a few qualities I liked and a lot of qualities I couldn't stand plus they all would have a lot of baggage; which is fine, I have baggage too, but I kinda think I'm a little bit of a "fixer" which also created a lot of problems. I get myself into relationships with people that I know that it won't work out for the longterm and then get frustrated because either I have to lower my standards or they have to higher theres and I don't want to be the one to expect them to change so I either lower mine or just stop dating them. But thats hard for me to cuz I don't know where to draw the line of standards. Obviously I want an active mormon guy but there are always circumstances. How mature should I expect him to be? Should I expect him to be good with kids? Should I expect him to be financially ready for me and a kid? Should I say no to all those who aren't? It gets really complicated..

Since I've had a kid, this has been a hard habit to break. I think one of the biggest problems is that I don't really meet guys anymore. I mean first of all, I'm busy alllll the time.. then there's the fact that lots of guys seem to run when they find out you have a kid and then to be honest I'm really kind of anti social so I haven't really met any friends since I've had Rowan anyway, much less guys to date. And then there's the maturity factor.. ugh. That one is a killlller for guys to date and friends. It's sooo hard to be around people that are just in a really different stage in their life with different priorities. They just really don't get what real life is like as an adult.. it's so hard to relate to them, confide in them, hang out with them, and share your child with them.. but I guess thats another topic for another blog another time.. another another another :p

Another thing is me being worried about all sorts of trust things. I guess my ex kinda ruined me in that way but I am now insecure about everything. I worry about how I look, what they're thinking, if they're lying, if they're doing things behind my back, cheating, drugs, if they're just going to use me.. It's so stupid. I was never like that before. I was almost too trusting in fact. I hate feeling insecure. I know all my good qualities but for some reason when I think about myself, all the negative things people have said about me are louder than my thoughts.. and that's really embarassing for me to admit to.. but it's something I'm working on.

I really am sick of bad relationships and relationships that go nowhere. As a single mom, all you want it to find someone that's good for your child and good for you. I want a daddy for my baby boy and someone that comes home to me at night. I want to know that there is always someone there for me. i want to work together with someone to raise my son. Just like every other single mom, I want a family.. A real one, not my little broken one. Not saying I don't appreciate my little family of me and Rowan- it's my everything.. but I need more.

So I have decided recently that I am going to focus on meeting some new people and such. I know I need to date around to see what I want and what I need. I've decided that I'm going to make a list of qualities I need in someone because I don't want to settle. I've settled enough in my life. I see all these happy couples who are perfect for each other and I want that. I want to find the guy that makes my heart skip a beat, who's there for my everything, who is my rock, a great dad, someone I can stay up talking to about life, who i can share all the awesome things Rowan has done with, someone who loves me for me and will for all eternity, someone who makes me better. And I refuse to settle for anything less than amazing.

I just need to keep telling myself that I deserve the best.
Keep reminding myself that he is out there.
And tell myself that the Lord will help me find him when I'm supposed to.

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