Wednesday, August 31, 2011

yesterday

I learned some ppl don't tell it like it is.

They pretend to have everything together when they don't.

They just fake it.

And I learned that isn't really the best approach.


That its alright that I'm the type of person who will say yes, it has been a shitty day.
And why.
And move on.

Instead of putting on a smile.
Pretending its okay.
And when ppl ask how's life, just defaulting to "good".




I wish more ppl were real.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

self worth

So one of the biggest things I learned at FSA (families supporting adoption) is, funny enough, about self esteem or self worth. First off, this guy asked whay builds self esteem.. ppl said stuff such as intelligence, academic standing, beauty, accomplishments, etc.

Then he asked what was important in gods eyes, and basically says your spiritual self worth should come from the sole fact that you are a child of god and he loves you. And I just love that.


Thennnn this girl spoke. Now, I could relate to a lot of what she said, so I was like fighting back tears the entire time, but her message and story were very powerful so I decided to share it and kinda tie in what I think.

She told a story of about how she was in high school, dating this great guy that was in college, but broke up with him because of peer pressure and started dating another guy.. who verbally and eventually physically abused her. She broke up with him, went on with life, and then on her 18th birthday, he asked her over and raped her. She became destructive, hated herself, became annorexic, and started exhibiting reckless behavior. She decided to start working on that and eating again and her body finally showed her she was five months pregnant with some guys baby. She wrote her ex college boyfriend, who was on a mission, to tell him, and when he came home, he fully supported her (they later got married). She placed her baby for adoption. She talked about how her self worth was just broken down into pieces, and after she got pregnant, it got even worse (which it usually does when its unplanned like that). She talked about how she just didn't like herself at all.

Then she talked about how she became her own person, set boundaries in relationships, loved herself, stopped blaming herself for what others did to her, had a more positive outlook, was nicer to herself, gave herself credit for all the good, let go of the shame for past mistakes, and forgave others for what they did to her, her self esteem returned and became more intact.

I can safely say I've been through my fair share of experiences. There was a long period of time where I had phenominal self esteem that couldn't be touched no matter what happened. And then various things happened and yeah. I have struggled with it off and on, but more so during the end of my last relationship and pregnancy. There is something about being knocked up and abandoned by the baby daddy that just kinda tears you down. Plus I mean let's be honest, being mormon and pregnant outta wedlock is like having a big red A tattooed on your forehead haha. Oh dear, nnow I'm thinking of easy A.. but seriously! Its awkward. Its still awkward. Some ppl genuinely believe I'm a floosy. Yeah.. with them its just ignorance and sometimes judgement. But anyways! So its hard. And affects my confidence in being a mom. It also affects relationships I'm in. I still seem to pick boys who are terrible for me, treat me badly, and tear me down.

So I'm starting a few things to fix this! First, I'm starting forgiveness. I've mostly forgiven others so I'm more focusing on forgiving myself for mistakes I have made. Which is hella hard. Cuz I have a super woman complex where if I'm not doing everything perfect (which mostly just means I'm killing myself getting everything done) then I beat myself up about it. So none of that! I'm letting go of my past mistakes, working on validating myself when I do good things, writing down my good qualities and accomplishments, and various other things. I'm also trying to put things in perspective and find meaning in what I've gone through by reminding myself that these hard experiences and mistakes have made me who I am today and given me a beautiful life, plus brought me back to the gospel. Oh! And speaking of the gospel, I'm bringing that piece in too by trying to do all my church stuff, but also being spiritually in tune withwhat god needs me to do and who he wants me to be, being that, being proud of that, and remembering that he loves me no matter what. Plusssss I'm cutting down on the negative talk, name calling (even if its just joking), all that stuff and rampin up the positive cuz that seems to affect my mood and others around me a lot. Attitude and talk are key.



Now I started this a few days ago and I'm already seeing a huge improvement in my happiness and self esteem. So I'm really excited to continue this journey of self improvement to become the woman I want to be.



So often we forget that our flaws are there not to be troubles, but to teach us a lesson through self improvement. Life is an opportunity to learn. Sometimes, in the midst of a storm, that's hard to see. But He will shine the light and show yyou the way if you just allow him to.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

chuh chuh chuh chaaaaanges!!

Who am I kidding, walking around like an adult? Lol. Like really, I wonder if it's just as hard for everyone else to become an adult as it is for me. I knpw its especially hard for me because I'm a single parent but still.

I cried when I was leaving my parents house tonight to go on my way to spend my first night at my new apartment. The place is great, I'm excited for the change, but.. that's just it. Its another huge change. And I think that just hit me.

New apartment. New area. New neighbors. New ward. New babysitter. New school schedule. New routine with my baby who is now a toddler. Gotta make new friends since all of mine are gone are not so fit to be friends.

Its just hard to swallow at first.

I know this is the right place for me to be so I'm trying to put faith in the lord and just take the leap into my new life, despite my overwhelming amount of anxiety.

Did I mention that I have mass amounts of social anxiety?? Well.. I do lol. Specially in church. I just get really awkward and unfriendly.. makes it fun to make new friends :/

Lol so I'm praying a lot and doing my best and letting god make up the rest.



I am super stoked to be here though, starting fresh. I'm feeling happy. I'm in love with the new apartment. I have high hopes for the next step in my life. I have faith that god will work everything out.

Well.. wish me luck!! :)

The spirit behind the tattoos

I feel like this is turning into a spiritual blog lol. I'm trying to decide if i'm going to start a blog that's dedicated just to my spiritual thoughts and try to write a new post every Sunday. I feel as though writing my promptings, experiences, etc down, not only help me clarify in my mind what i've felt or heard, but help me remember- plus it's nice to be able to look back at what i've written in the past cuz i know for me, there's always room to improve on the spiritual side of things.

Today we talked about families in church and the responsibilities of the Mother, Father, and Children.

Now, this could be a huge sore spot for me because when it comes time to talk of the roles of the father, feelings of guilt and sadness come up because my son does not really have a father.. yet. I just have to keep tacking that yet on to help me feel better about myself haha. But today, i allowed the spirit to quiet those feelings of sadness and look at things more objectively instead of emotionally.

It was very interesting to me that they had a lesson on this but the more they talked, the more i understood why. Our roles in the family unit are the most important roles we have because the family is the most important unit on the earth.

i know. i didn't get this until i became a mother. Since then, my idea or perspective of life has changed tremendously.

If you ever are searching for a good read and are a girl, find the book called "I am a mother". Most phenominal thing i've ever read. sounds cheesey, right? i assure you, if it wasn't good, i wouldn't read it.

the world belittles the role of a nurturing mother. we are made to feel inadequate in our roles as women because we aren't the breadwinners. but guess what? every child we have is a child of god. and our responsibility to that child? to bring them back to their heavenly father.

how powerful is that? we're responsible for that person getting to where they need to be. often we don't think about it in this way. we think about it as "womens work". and srsly, i crack a fair few kitchen jokes about women myself, but all joking aside, women are the glue in the family.

I can testify to you firsthand that being is mother is the most important thing you'll ever do. I cannot tell you how much closer to the spirit i have been since the moment i got pregnant with my son. The birth of my son was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. Whenever I get a fathers blessing for myself, I get blessed for my son Rowan. I've always been pretty in touch with the spirit and promptings, but that has exploded tenfold since i've had my son. Since i'm the only family he has, i am the leader of the household, and i can testify to you that i can feel that also.

The role of being a parent isn't just changing diapers and making them food (haha), the role is a spiritual one.

it is to be in touch with the spirit so you can have the right direction to be able to bring these precious spirits back to their father in heaven.

and yeah, sometimes it's hard to see it like this. i mean look at your parents. yeah, right now. no just kidding. but look at them and look at what they do.. that's gonna be you!! you're gonna do everything they do!! scary huh?

but it's sooo fulfilling. I promise you.

and now my kid is awake so i best stop rambling.

but i challenge you to look at your life right now and if you are not yet married or a parent, prepare to be one. and if you are a parent, try to better yourself. when i first became a parent, i thought it was all about learning what temperature a fever is and how to dicipline, but it's also learning to incorporate family prayer, fhe, scriptures, and gospel doctrine in your home.

i know me, with my harsh look and lack of church that i've gone to in the last few years, i've had a hard time doing this, but i've noticed that as i've tried my hardest to do these things and done my best, that the lord makes up for the rest. and you will feel his spirit, and you will know these things to be true. amen.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

"Unusually hard to hold onto"

"I'm not gonna writechoo a looove song"... jk!

I just heard that song on the radio and figured it was a bit fitting for what I've been thinking lately and thought i'd share. Its kind of random but really, if that comes as a surprise to you still, you should have your head checked.. well really your brain.. which really may be just your IQ level..

Anyways!! I was just pndering about the friends I've had over the years, and even recently discussed this with a friend, that I either really really like ppl or really don't give a crap. I mean its not like I dislike them, I just don't make much of an effort. And I'm the type of person who runs a lot. I'm good at running and hiding from people.. falling off the face of the earth type thing. I've become quite pro at it. So I've decided that I'm kinda hard to hold onto.

Its nothing personal, just the way things have always been. Which is random. And I swear its amplified since I've had a child juss cuz I have way less time and less patience with ppl who aren't understanding of how my life is now.
So I haven't decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet orrrrr figured out why I do it.

I don't think I'm running away cuz I'm not afraid of anything.



Idk. Maybe I run to see who's willing to follow me.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A witness so sweet

As you probably know, I am a single mom, but also a mormon one, so from time to time I have some interesting gospel related things I like to share. Most are just promptings, things I heard in church, etc, but some are really near and dear to my heart, and for that reason, just like everything else on this blog since it is so honest, please respect what I'm saying. Ill be more upset about you ripping apart my spiritual experience then my more personal life experiences that being said, let me start with a story.

Its kind of an odd story and relatively short. Ill start out by telling you I have the gift of seeing spirits.I've had it since I was very young with that, I can see good or bad spirits. Every bad spirit comes to bring you down, every good spirit comes for a reason as well. They affect me in a way I can't explain very well. They come whenever they please, wherever, around whoever. I can't control it really. Sometimes I can make them go away but I can't make them come. Anyways!! So me and two of my friends were sitting there, by the door, chatting before we left my friends house. We were speaking of baby names and all the ones we liked, didn't like, and also the ones I considered naming my son before I chose the name rowan annnnd also future kids. Before we left, I stopped to say, oh yeah, I also thought of the name Liam for Rowan. I instantly felt this.. energy in front of me and it felt like it was connected to Rowan. The spirit was so strong. One of my friends said whoa! I just felt something towards Rowan when you said that! Then later I found out that another one of my friends felt something as well. The only way we could all describe it was feeling some sort of energy.

Well I talked to my mother about it in the morning, explaining the whole story and my thoughts on it that maybe its another one of my kids. My mother said that for us to feel that, it probably means that what we felt was a person from the spirit world, and whoever this Liam was, he was there. She said maybe it felt connected to Rowan because he'll be an important person in his life or maybe it's even his brother.

Now I have had two other witnesses to me that I was going to have more children- one in a blessing and another with a different encounter with a spirit- and it has all happened within the last eleven or so months.

I've always felt expecially connected to the spirit and as I've gotten older and more righteous, it has just grown tenfold. I am so blessed to be able to have these little miracles happen so often in my life. He never let's me forget he's there or that he's rootin for me, as is my posterity, to make the right choices and clean up my life so I can bring these beautiful kids into the world and become what he wants me to be in order to fulfill his plan for me.

I am so grateful for the gospel of jesus christ and all that it brings for me.

I am blessed with a perspective to look up and forward, remembering that "this too shall pass", that the hard times being a single mom will eventually come to a close, that I will be able to get married and sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, and be blessed with a beautiful family.

I know I'm not the greatest example for righteousness but I testify to you that if you're trying and doing your best, God will make up for the rest, and he will bless you for your efforts. The only place you can go from here is up.

I say these things in the name of jesus christ, amen.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

You got served

So super unexpectedly, I ended up having to move on Sunday and Monday instead of Friday and Saturday which kiiiiinda sorrrrta made my week turn upside down. I didn't have anything really packed or ready but the kitchen stuff (thank goodness my mom and sister had that packed up of i would've been sooo screwed). Anyways, I called some people last minute, as did my mom, and we got a random team of people together to help me move. I was SO incredibly overwhelmed that all I could think about was just getting the task ahead of me FINISHED! I didn't think much about how much these people were giving to help serve me. My stuff ended up getting moved mostly by people who were just friends, not family. I mean yeah my family helped but my friends put in wayyy more hours. And it didn't really hit me until one of my friends thanked me for letting him serve me. He was thanking me!! He had just lugged endless amounts of my CRAP around and he was thanking me for being able to do so. But then it hit me. Selfless acts for others.. So Christlike. That's a lot of what missionary work is. And honestly, I think I need to incoporate it into my life a little more. It was just interesting because i've been on the other side of the fence, being served, ever since I got pregnant. I'll admit i was embarrassed at first but now i'm just really grateful and looking to give back. first i've just gotta figure out how to do that with the limited amount of time and stuff i have. now i'm rambling.. bye!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

/flex list

Haha I just saw a ford flex.. which inevitably makes me think of two f words: fugly and /flex (you wow fans will appreciate that) hahaha ohhh I'm a dork.. anyway so it seemed fitting for the name of my new post and list of things I want and don't want in a guy.. flexman!! Haha no that's terrible. We'll think of something better to call him later. In fact, I'm open to suggestions haha. So hurrrrr weeeee go!!

/Flex!!!



So the first thing I really know that I need in a man is someone who likes children, more importantly my child, and wants a family.. an eternal one. Shocker right?! I'm looking for someone to BUILD A FAMILY WITH!! Someone who adores my little man as much as I do!! And I understand that that is asking a lot of someone, to take on thre responsibility of being a husband AND a father but.. I'm a package deal. Think of it more as a two for one, buy one get one free, as opposed to something negative. It's like a bonus! Like getting something an extra prize in your cereal box!!

I also need someone who can handle my baggage. Yes, i know that's a lot to ask for, be let's be real about this people. I have a LOT of baggage. I mean I'm working through things but my past is still my past. I can't change my past, only my future. And honestly, I want someone to LIKE that I have the strength to go through so much; to know that I have been placing in my life and it has helped me become who i am and understand so much more about this world. I want this flex guy to see it as an asset, not JUST a drawback. And i say it like that intentionally because sometimes it WILL be a drawback.. but most of the time, i want it to be a positive and not a negative.

One thing that seems kinda stupid but I've found that I really appreciate is when guys are affectionate. I'm a really affectionate person and have realized through the relationships i've had, I kinda have a need to be affectionate and have it be returned. It seems dumb.. and i don't want you to think i'm one of those creepers who is alllll over their boi and their boi is all over them. negatory. i just like small affectionate, non-awkward things. no need for the PDA po-po haha :p

I think for me as a person, it's important for me to be able to laugh.. but also be able to take things seriously. I need a guy who will be able to make me laugh but also know when it's time to be cereal.

I am seriously not attracted to people that don't read, are not smart, and are not weird like me. I just feel as though we have nothing in common haha. I know that sounds dumb but for real.. we need to be able to have HP and LOTR convo's, have weirdo inside jokes, i need to be able to be myself around you, and also have intelligent conversations. period. lol.

Someone who can be emotionally supportive. I can be emotionally intense, in good and bad ways, and I'd like someone who can support and understand that.. and even compliment that.

I have a passion for movies and the outdoors. I'm not like the, hey likes hike and bike and hanglide type.. more like the, lets fish and camp and star gaze or sit out in nature type. I also love love love me a good movie or tv series. It's hard for me to relate to people that don't like these things. juss sayin.

I have a passion for fashion.. and you don't have to have one if you wanna date me, but its a pet peeve of mine when you don't appreciate it when i take the time to make myself look pretty for you, and you could care less. I wanna be appreciated. I want to know you think i'm beautiful. and yes, i wouldn't be stating this if i didn't have a problem with it in relationships of the past.. more than once haha.

Mr. Right must be a hardworker. People that aren't very motivated or are not hardworkers drive me nuts. I come from a family of hard workers. I'm a hard worker. I don't like to be in relationships where i'm the only one who works hard towards something. I'm verrry motivated and hard working and i'd like you to be too.

I also feel as though I need someone who likes to talk as well as listen. I like to gab. a lot. shocker, i know haha. But i hate it when i gab and mister doesn't listen, or mister listens and says noting.. it's awkward!!! it's worse than them talking too much!!

I'll keep adding to this as i go along.. this is definitely a post that is a work in progress :D

moves like jagger

Haha that song came on the radio right when I was thinking of posting this so I had to!! Lol. You'll forgive me. Well! There I was in a little botique in pleasant grove called the clique, getting a pedicure (go there, its amazing) and after I finished my subway sandwhich (no advertising at all in this post lawl) I decided to read a magazine. I thought it looked rather interesting. Come to find out there was only one good article. One! And guess what it was on?? Dun dun DUN!!!!! Dating!! But it actually had some rrreally good advice so I decided i'd share it and share my.. we'll call it grocery list for men and then also what I don't like in a man (you'll see why). Wow I'm using a lot of perenthesis today. A bloggers best friend?? Mehbee. Haha ohhhhkay.

Side note, I haven't eaten since lunchtime yesterday. Or had anything to drink.. cuz I'm out of change. But srsly that potato bug thing keeps playing in my mind and grossing me out. Haha and no, I'm not usually the type to skip meals. I eat twice as much as you. Yeah, you. Its just I hate gross stuff like that! I gag just thinking of it lol.

Anyways!! So it was an article in a magazine (the name of which esscapes me) and it was a lady who was married with two kids, her husband died, and got remarried. She seemed to have a better perspective on what she wanted because it was the second time she was choosing. She said she had a friend ask her what she should look for in a man and she said that the usual list of cute, smart, funny, and rich was overrated and dumb cuz they can lose the looks, sometimess smarts come in different ways, funny won't always help you, and they can run out of money. The big thing that stuckout to me was when she said, the best way to find the right qualities is start with the wrong ones. Look at the things that don't work for you or haven't worked so well with past relationships.. personalize it to you. Her examples were that her last husband didn't know what he wanted to do. He made good money but was never happy with his job she wanted to find a new hubby who loved what he did. Or that she had baggage from her last hubby dying, so she wanted a new hubby without baggage

And idk, maybe this is just a revalation to me but for real.. this opened my eyes lol. I've recently been thinking I should write a man quality list since I've been dating around and have kinda refined my idea of the man of my dreams. And idk, I thought this was a good and new perspective on how to write that out!! So I'm gonna attempt to write a list of what I want and do want.. except its gonna be on another post. So bear with me lol.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ditching and retching

So i was debating on whether to post on this or not because it may come off as a pity me thing but.. i decided that one of the major reasons i started this blog is to be honest about how things are going in my life and in the life of a single mom.. plus i swear everyone on this planet has felt like this once in their life or they're weird so.. here we go. keep an open mind.

i think i've been ditched at least a dozen times in the last few weeks by various different people. whats worse then being alone? being surrounded by people and being alone.. because then you wonder if something is wrong with you. my self esteem on a scale of 1-100 is like at a 3. i mean granted, i know it's hard to make friends as a single parent.. as soon as i got pregnant and my life started getting harder, people didn't want to be there for me, they didn't want to hang out with me cuz they knew i'd have to be responsible, or because i was going back to doing the right thing and not partying.. and ever since it's been an uphill battle to find friends. most people either don't get my situation and don't respect that i have a child and can't stay out late or go all over creation, ditch me ninety times, don't wanna be there for me when they find out what i'm going through, or if they're a guy, they just want to sleep with me. no joke. cuz apparently if you're a teen mom, that makes you a whore. who knew haha.

really though i have no time to meet ppl anyway. and everyone i meet and am friends with, it's like i'm their best friend but they're not mine.

so what brings this up is today, i'm all trying to text a bunch of ppl, trying to hang out with ppl, and.. nothing. till this one person said yeah, lets chill, then no. i mean after a day of all that, getting ignored in texts, getting ditched, on the ONLY free day i have this week.. i've just sat here and bawled. and yes, when my mother called, i vented haha.

but really, i don't think i've cried this much since i was pregnant. i mean it's been like every night for two weeks cuz of crap like this. i just wish i could pick up and move out of state.. but i can't.

and i keep praying it'll get better. i even got a blessing. and what did it say? that strength doesn't come from relationships with others, it comes from inside and from the lord. that was really comforting.. and kinda laid it out of the table that this is one of my trials.. but of course me and my mom were just bawling after that too. i just can't believe the amount of stuff i've gone through.

on a totally different note, a funny/disgusting one, Rowan was crawling aroun today when i picked him up.. and he was chewing on something. well i hadn't given him anything to eat so i was worried about what it was and fished it outta his mouth. i was examining the small part i managed to get out of there.. then i retched and hurried to try and wash it down the drain. it was a dead potato bug!! of course, the dumb thing gets stuck in a bowl in the sink and i continued to retch until it had cleared out of my sight. then i look at rowan and he continues to chew then swallows. so i wash my hand and start to walk, with him in my arms, over to put the laundry on touch up. he then retches, throws up all over himself and my hands that are holding him, smiles at me, laughs, then starts to dance. then he got all mad when i tried to get his icky clothes off.

needless to say, i totally lost my appetite and haven't eaten dinner.. and don't plan on it. even when i think about it, i gag haha.


you know, i've lost a lot more then my freedom, being a single mom. i've lost friends, my self esteem, my "college years", my sleep, possibly my sanity, and the list goes on.. but it's all worth it for my little bean. i love him more than anything. and yeah, he may be my only friend, but so be it. i do this all for him. and i refuse to not get through this. not only get through it, but get through it with putting a smile on my face as much as i possibly can.. even if i'm smiling and laughing about things that make me super nauseous lol.

Monday, August 8, 2011

love this!!

To all the single ladies in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice:

Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects Yoaz!!

epic basketball fail

so visits with the baby daddy can get pretty boring and awkward when i have to supervise them.. so i decided to have us take the little one outside in the complex and have him play on the grass. I grabbed my basketball because i figured if i had a spare minute, i'd play. Well Rowan's dad was watching him so i decided to shoot some hoops. I'm pretty friggen decent for not playing in forever. I made a fair amount of baskets. Well i decided they were probably getting bored of watching me, so i came out to play with rowan.. and his dad entered to play. he barely made like any baskets!! haha i was giggling so hard inside thinking.. oh, you've just been owned by a girl, who's your baby mamma, who you dislike lol. after a bit, i walked in there holding rowan and started shooting hoops one handed.. and still i schooled him. then he gave up and played with rowan while i shot a few more hoops. haha it was all friendly competition.. if it even was really competition.. but it sure was entertaining that i totally whooped him! i beat another boy a few weeks back also. i'm on a roll!!

and rowan found a tiny rock on the court and played with with that thing for like a good twenty minutes, i swear. it was hilarious and sooo cute!! i just love his little personality and how it shines through more and more each day. he's just hilarious!! and soooo weird lol just like me i guess. well thats it for now!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

an unusual testament of the truth

Today was fast Sunday. I've been waiting for a fast Sunday to roll around. I have a million things to fast for in my life and in the lives of all those close to me. Well, I got so caught up in feeling sick, church, and napping that I didn't even say my fasting prayer!! Fail. Haha but I rrrreally didn't wanna go to church.. I swear the days you need to go the most are the days that you have the greatest opposition in going. I must confess that I didn't go because I realized I needed it.. rather I went because my parents will only take Rowan to church with them if I go to church and since they had already gone to church and expected me to do the same, I decided to go to church to avoid the conflict. Anyways, I know it was inspired that I went to the meetings I did.

One lesson was on not procrastinating which I know I needed to hear because I'm needing to focus on like nine million goals right now. And just so you don't think I'm being dramatic, let me list them haha :p church attendance, settling into a new home and ward to make it home, make friends that are good for me and Rowan, really study my scriptures, go to institute, pray every day, become temple worthy, really study doctorine and use free time to study talks, scriptures, etc., transform my home into a place where family scriptures are read, family prayer, fhe, we bless the food, we share spiritual things (when Rowan can talk).. basically I wanna become the perfect mormon mom. Thennnn, I wanna brush up my mom skills, cooking, cleaning, crafting, all that seriously awesome mom stuff that no one notices unless its not getting done haha :p then there's finishing school, getting a job, finishing group in therapy, helping others in my similiar situation that get pregnant at a young age or have other relavent trials such as addiction, abuse, etc. Aaaand mending family relationships.. continuing school after finishing matc and getting a job, take french courses and courses in psychology, and lastly write a book on my story and testimony of the gospel of jesus christ.

See!! Almost a whole paragraph!! Haha now who's the drama queen?? Lols. Anyways! The second lesson I learned was inspiring. For me, it gave me strength and a huuge sense of worth. It reiterated my purpose that has been laid out in my patriarchal blessing that I am on this earth for many great purposes, one of which being to help people; and I have been blessed with a massive amount of gifts to be able to achieve such things. The lesson was on diversity in the church. There was a video of this man. He was so friggen quirky; I seriously felt like me and him would be great friends haha.. he was a former smoker and alcoholic, hadn't had his temple recommend in twleve years before this, had a tatto, and the random guy he was, was lifting weights through the whole video. He wore tyedye haha and he would wear it to church.. what a silly. He was just so unique, such a refreshing person, so upfront and honest. He talked about the atonement. He talked about how he felt after all the years of unrighteousness, he didn't deserve it, but yet here he was, an active member of the church again, fully reaping the blessings from the atonement. I've never heard a more unique testimony in my life. The man when on to marry, have a family, and be sealed to them for time and all eternity. This hit very close to home and my heart. This huge buff bald guy with a goatee is me!!!... with more hair.. less muscles.. and less facial hair haha. But we've walked the same path, come back to the savior, knelt at his feet, begginf for forgiveness that we've unworthily received, felt His love and His blessings, and then honestly.. almost candidly told others about our journey, despite the judging looks or thoughts about our past. So here I am.. inspired to write my testimony of the lord jesus christ and the gospel.

I came from a past that's privledged in some ways and very much the opposite in others. I know now that all of the trials were for a reason. My family has had its struggles that I must admit did give me a rocky start, but the truely big trials in life, most of them I've brought on myself from all the choices that I've made. The other trials I believe are here specifically so that I will be strengthened for a greater purpose later on in my life on this earth. The sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, the homelessness, the jail time, the struggles with bpd and depression, the alcoholism, the smoking, the unhealthy relationships, the pregnancy, the custody, and the biggest challenge yet, being a single mom yes, I have come from a very dark place, but I believe that in coming from that dark place of evil, I can better appreciate the light, and better understand where others are coming from that are clouded by the same darkness I once was. I know there is a plan for me. I know I have a divine purpose that heavenly father planned just for me that I agreed to take on. I know He gave me these gifts because he knew I was the best to use them, that I was strong enough to get through these trials. The lord lifts me up every day. He carries me through it when there are times when I can't stand he leads and guides me when I can barely crawl to makes steps towards where I need to be. He has blessed my life in so many ways and continues to do so, the more righteously I live. I have been at the bottom of the bottom and I testify to you that there is a God, Jesus Christ did visit the earth, Joseph Smith restored the gospel, the holy ghost is there to comfort you, the atonement is real, as is the gospel of christ. And its there for anyone who wants it, no matter who you are or where you've been. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I hope someone somewhere can learn somethings from these words and from my blog. I'm trying to keep it very honest and real so as to show the real me, the real struggles, the real joy, and the real truth. Sometimes that's hard to swallow and I get that. I just hope to help.

Remember His love for you.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Bullets&Goodbyes

My brothers took me shooting today (it was my first time). I was a lot more scared then I thought i'd be. I shot really poorly except with one of my brothers guns.. i shot really well with it considering it was my first time. Anyways, i had other plans for today, and for the millionth time this month, i got ditched.

i started thinking about how the only fun things i did were with my family.. how i've texted millions of ppl and it seems like they've all blown me off (pretty much for the past few months or more).. and how really, this is a crapshoot. I honestly don't know why i'm putting effort into relationships that don't work. ppl seem to only wanna be my friend when it's convenient or when they need me. and i'm done with it. i have like this much [] patience with ppl now that i'm a single mom cuz really, i don't have time to deal with the bullshit. and thats all it is. bullshit. i'm a good person and i know i deserve better. i honestly don't understand why ppl treat me like they do.

so.. i'm gonna try my hardest to say goodbye to this old life of mine. I got a new apartment, which i'm stoked about.. and i've decided i'm gonna start over. I'm gonna make a plan to make new friends and start allllll the way over. i'm saying my goodbyes to my old life and my old friends.. well with an exception of a few (you better know who you are) who have been amazing lately!! butttttt for the most part, i'm resigning, putting in my two weeks, quitting, whatever you wanna call it.

pretty much it comes down to this.

i'd rather be alone then be in stuck in a crowded room and feel lonely.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I give up

On trying to date and make good friends for now. Its a crapshoot when you're a single parent. Beyond impossible for me right now.. Plus I'm sick of crappy ppl. I quit!!!!!