Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ditching and retching

So i was debating on whether to post on this or not because it may come off as a pity me thing but.. i decided that one of the major reasons i started this blog is to be honest about how things are going in my life and in the life of a single mom.. plus i swear everyone on this planet has felt like this once in their life or they're weird so.. here we go. keep an open mind.

i think i've been ditched at least a dozen times in the last few weeks by various different people. whats worse then being alone? being surrounded by people and being alone.. because then you wonder if something is wrong with you. my self esteem on a scale of 1-100 is like at a 3. i mean granted, i know it's hard to make friends as a single parent.. as soon as i got pregnant and my life started getting harder, people didn't want to be there for me, they didn't want to hang out with me cuz they knew i'd have to be responsible, or because i was going back to doing the right thing and not partying.. and ever since it's been an uphill battle to find friends. most people either don't get my situation and don't respect that i have a child and can't stay out late or go all over creation, ditch me ninety times, don't wanna be there for me when they find out what i'm going through, or if they're a guy, they just want to sleep with me. no joke. cuz apparently if you're a teen mom, that makes you a whore. who knew haha.

really though i have no time to meet ppl anyway. and everyone i meet and am friends with, it's like i'm their best friend but they're not mine.

so what brings this up is today, i'm all trying to text a bunch of ppl, trying to hang out with ppl, and.. nothing. till this one person said yeah, lets chill, then no. i mean after a day of all that, getting ignored in texts, getting ditched, on the ONLY free day i have this week.. i've just sat here and bawled. and yes, when my mother called, i vented haha.

but really, i don't think i've cried this much since i was pregnant. i mean it's been like every night for two weeks cuz of crap like this. i just wish i could pick up and move out of state.. but i can't.

and i keep praying it'll get better. i even got a blessing. and what did it say? that strength doesn't come from relationships with others, it comes from inside and from the lord. that was really comforting.. and kinda laid it out of the table that this is one of my trials.. but of course me and my mom were just bawling after that too. i just can't believe the amount of stuff i've gone through.

on a totally different note, a funny/disgusting one, Rowan was crawling aroun today when i picked him up.. and he was chewing on something. well i hadn't given him anything to eat so i was worried about what it was and fished it outta his mouth. i was examining the small part i managed to get out of there.. then i retched and hurried to try and wash it down the drain. it was a dead potato bug!! of course, the dumb thing gets stuck in a bowl in the sink and i continued to retch until it had cleared out of my sight. then i look at rowan and he continues to chew then swallows. so i wash my hand and start to walk, with him in my arms, over to put the laundry on touch up. he then retches, throws up all over himself and my hands that are holding him, smiles at me, laughs, then starts to dance. then he got all mad when i tried to get his icky clothes off.

needless to say, i totally lost my appetite and haven't eaten dinner.. and don't plan on it. even when i think about it, i gag haha.


you know, i've lost a lot more then my freedom, being a single mom. i've lost friends, my self esteem, my "college years", my sleep, possibly my sanity, and the list goes on.. but it's all worth it for my little bean. i love him more than anything. and yeah, he may be my only friend, but so be it. i do this all for him. and i refuse to not get through this. not only get through it, but get through it with putting a smile on my face as much as i possibly can.. even if i'm smiling and laughing about things that make me super nauseous lol.

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