Wednesday, August 24, 2011

self worth

So one of the biggest things I learned at FSA (families supporting adoption) is, funny enough, about self esteem or self worth. First off, this guy asked whay builds self esteem.. ppl said stuff such as intelligence, academic standing, beauty, accomplishments, etc.

Then he asked what was important in gods eyes, and basically says your spiritual self worth should come from the sole fact that you are a child of god and he loves you. And I just love that.

Thennnn this girl spoke. Now, I could relate to a lot of what she said, so I was like fighting back tears the entire time, but her message and story were very powerful so I decided to share it and kinda tie in what I think.

She told a story of about how she was in high school, dating this great guy that was in college, but broke up with him because of peer pressure and started dating another guy.. who verbally and eventually physically abused her. She broke up with him, went on with life, and then on her 18th birthday, he asked her over and raped her. She became destructive, hated herself, became annorexic, and started exhibiting reckless behavior. She decided to start working on that and eating again and her body finally showed her she was five months pregnant with some guys baby. She wrote her ex college boyfriend, who was on a mission, to tell him, and when he came home, he fully supported her (they later got married). She placed her baby for adoption. She talked about how her self worth was just broken down into pieces, and after she got pregnant, it got even worse (which it usually does when its unplanned like that). She talked about how she just didn't like herself at all.

Then she talked about how she became her own person, set boundaries in relationships, loved herself, stopped blaming herself for what others did to her, had a more positive outlook, was nicer to herself, gave herself credit for all the good, let go of the shame for past mistakes, and forgave others for what they did to her, her self esteem returned and became more intact.

I can safely say I've been through my fair share of experiences. There was a long period of time where I had phenominal self esteem that couldn't be touched no matter what happened. And then various things happened and yeah. I have struggled with it off and on, but more so during the end of my last relationship and pregnancy. There is something about being knocked up and abandoned by the baby daddy that just kinda tears you down. Plus I mean let's be honest, being mormon and pregnant outta wedlock is like having a big red A tattooed on your forehead haha. Oh dear, nnow I'm thinking of easy A.. but seriously! Its awkward. Its still awkward. Some ppl genuinely believe I'm a floosy. Yeah.. with them its just ignorance and sometimes judgement. But anyways! So its hard. And affects my confidence in being a mom. It also affects relationships I'm in. I still seem to pick boys who are terrible for me, treat me badly, and tear me down.

So I'm starting a few things to fix this! First, I'm starting forgiveness. I've mostly forgiven others so I'm more focusing on forgiving myself for mistakes I have made. Which is hella hard. Cuz I have a super woman complex where if I'm not doing everything perfect (which mostly just means I'm killing myself getting everything done) then I beat myself up about it. So none of that! I'm letting go of my past mistakes, working on validating myself when I do good things, writing down my good qualities and accomplishments, and various other things. I'm also trying to put things in perspective and find meaning in what I've gone through by reminding myself that these hard experiences and mistakes have made me who I am today and given me a beautiful life, plus brought me back to the gospel. Oh! And speaking of the gospel, I'm bringing that piece in too by trying to do all my church stuff, but also being spiritually in tune withwhat god needs me to do and who he wants me to be, being that, being proud of that, and remembering that he loves me no matter what. Plusssss I'm cutting down on the negative talk, name calling (even if its just joking), all that stuff and rampin up the positive cuz that seems to affect my mood and others around me a lot. Attitude and talk are key.

Now I started this a few days ago and I'm already seeing a huge improvement in my happiness and self esteem. So I'm really excited to continue this journey of self improvement to become the woman I want to be.

So often we forget that our flaws are there not to be troubles, but to teach us a lesson through self improvement. Life is an opportunity to learn. Sometimes, in the midst of a storm, that's hard to see. But He will shine the light and show yyou the way if you just allow him to.

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