Today was fast Sunday. I've been waiting for a fast Sunday to roll around. I have a million things to fast for in my life and in the lives of all those close to me. Well, I got so caught up in feeling sick, church, and napping that I didn't even say my fasting prayer!! Fail. Haha but I rrrreally didn't wanna go to church.. I swear the days you need to go the most are the days that you have the greatest opposition in going. I must confess that I didn't go because I realized I needed it.. rather I went because my parents will only take Rowan to church with them if I go to church and since they had already gone to church and expected me to do the same, I decided to go to church to avoid the conflict. Anyways, I know it was inspired that I went to the meetings I did.
One lesson was on not procrastinating which I know I needed to hear because I'm needing to focus on like nine million goals right now. And just so you don't think I'm being dramatic, let me list them haha :p church attendance, settling into a new home and ward to make it home, make friends that are good for me and Rowan, really study my scriptures, go to institute, pray every day, become temple worthy, really study doctorine and use free time to study talks, scriptures, etc., transform my home into a place where family scriptures are read, family prayer, fhe, we bless the food, we share spiritual things (when Rowan can talk).. basically I wanna become the perfect mormon mom. Thennnn, I wanna brush up my mom skills, cooking, cleaning, crafting, all that seriously awesome mom stuff that no one notices unless its not getting done haha :p then there's finishing school, getting a job, finishing group in therapy, helping others in my similiar situation that get pregnant at a young age or have other relavent trials such as addiction, abuse, etc. Aaaand mending family relationships.. continuing school after finishing matc and getting a job, take french courses and courses in psychology, and lastly write a book on my story and testimony of the gospel of jesus christ.
See!! Almost a whole paragraph!! Haha now who's the drama queen?? Lols. Anyways! The second lesson I learned was inspiring. For me, it gave me strength and a huuge sense of worth. It reiterated my purpose that has been laid out in my patriarchal blessing that I am on this earth for many great purposes, one of which being to help people; and I have been blessed with a massive amount of gifts to be able to achieve such things. The lesson was on diversity in the church. There was a video of this man. He was so friggen quirky; I seriously felt like me and him would be great friends haha.. he was a former smoker and alcoholic, hadn't had his temple recommend in twleve years before this, had a tatto, and the random guy he was, was lifting weights through the whole video. He wore tyedye haha and he would wear it to church.. what a silly. He was just so unique, such a refreshing person, so upfront and honest. He talked about the atonement. He talked about how he felt after all the years of unrighteousness, he didn't deserve it, but yet here he was, an active member of the church again, fully reaping the blessings from the atonement. I've never heard a more unique testimony in my life. The man when on to marry, have a family, and be sealed to them for time and all eternity. This hit very close to home and my heart. This huge buff bald guy with a goatee is me!!!... with more hair.. less muscles.. and less facial hair haha. But we've walked the same path, come back to the savior, knelt at his feet, begginf for forgiveness that we've unworthily received, felt His love and His blessings, and then honestly.. almost candidly told others about our journey, despite the judging looks or thoughts about our past. So here I am.. inspired to write my testimony of the lord jesus christ and the gospel.
I came from a past that's privledged in some ways and very much the opposite in others. I know now that all of the trials were for a reason. My family has had its struggles that I must admit did give me a rocky start, but the truely big trials in life, most of them I've brought on myself from all the choices that I've made. The other trials I believe are here specifically so that I will be strengthened for a greater purpose later on in my life on this earth. The sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, the homelessness, the jail time, the struggles with bpd and depression, the alcoholism, the smoking, the unhealthy relationships, the pregnancy, the custody, and the biggest challenge yet, being a single mom yes, I have come from a very dark place, but I believe that in coming from that dark place of evil, I can better appreciate the light, and better understand where others are coming from that are clouded by the same darkness I once was. I know there is a plan for me. I know I have a divine purpose that heavenly father planned just for me that I agreed to take on. I know He gave me these gifts because he knew I was the best to use them, that I was strong enough to get through these trials. The lord lifts me up every day. He carries me through it when there are times when I can't stand he leads and guides me when I can barely crawl to makes steps towards where I need to be. He has blessed my life in so many ways and continues to do so, the more righteously I live. I have been at the bottom of the bottom and I testify to you that there is a God, Jesus Christ did visit the earth, Joseph Smith restored the gospel, the holy ghost is there to comfort you, the atonement is real, as is the gospel of christ. And its there for anyone who wants it, no matter who you are or where you've been. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I hope someone somewhere can learn somethings from these words and from my blog. I'm trying to keep it very honest and real so as to show the real me, the real struggles, the real joy, and the real truth. Sometimes that's hard to swallow and I get that. I just hope to help.
Remember His love for you.