Sunday, September 4, 2011

I'm not drowning.. there's no one here to save- sara bareilles

Or however you spell that blasted lady's name. Just kidding. She's not blasted. I actually love her. Her attitude. Her music. Her.. attitude in her music. Lol I tend to identify with ppl who have attitude problems and share the fact tihat they have such attributes.. qualities.. whatever you would like to label them. Haha I make it sound so good and delicious.. anyway! I'm getting sooo side tracked.. :p I started this post with that song for a reason. This week I knew the daunting task of going to my ward was coming up. I'm new and haven't taken Rowan to church by myself since he was a few months old. I also haven't regularly gone to church in like.. oh gosh.. three or four years, so as you can imagine, this was a HUGE thing for me. I knew in my heart that this ward was right but I was still petrified- so much so that I just kinda didn't think about it. Now my relief society president came and met me (my mom called her and told her about me) and she offered to take me to church last week but I was at my cabin that weekend and had to decline. So this week, I was on my own. Saturday night rolls around and Rowan's sick so I'm thinking, well, I can't go. There was fear mixed with relief, sadness, and guilt. But then I told myself i'd pray for him to get better enough so I could go. Sunday morning rolls around and he seems to be doing better as the day rolls on so I start getting us both ready for church and I get a call from the relief socitey president asking me to ride with her, which, I have to accept, so I do.. which on one hand makes me really nervous cuz not only do I have to go now, but I have to go the entire time and not leave. Well then.. like a half hour later, the neighbor knocks on the door asking me to go with them and I had to turn her down. Well needless yU to say, I said a few prayers, prepared to go, then just dove right in and went. There I was. Single mom. Inactive. Holding up simba for everyone to see, red A on my forehead, passin up the sacrament, obviously new to the ward, going to church, and taking Rowan. And at first, I was bugged by this. Bugged by everyone reaching out. Bugged by it all. Hello! I'm a single. Mom. I'm not a pansy. I can take care of myself. I don't need to be babied and I hate being babied. But then it hit me. To these ppl, I wasn't a charity case. Weather they knew it already or not, they cared. They were trying to be christlike and make me feel welcome. Needless to say, it was a great experience being there. It was a great ward, I heard great messages, and the outreach from the members was just so awesome with a minimal level of akwakrdness. I mean yeah, church with an 11 month old by yourself is wayyyyy hard. I'm not gonna lie, I can't wait till he can go to nursery, cuz I could barely contain him and he was behaving petty weell. But I'm extremely glad I went and I'm actually kinda looking forward to next week.. mixed in with mass amounts of fear and apprehension lol.

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