Friday, December 30, 2011

The bittersweet

So today I was reading a friends adoption blog and just had an overwhelming feeling come over me of love and nostalgia.. and I started thinking about LDS family services and all the girls I met from there and our stories. I started thinking about the struggles we shared, the tears, heartache, fear, pain, sadness, but also joy. I look back and sometimes, I cannot believe how much we all endured.. how much I endured.. and how much I know that the Lord carried me through most of it. I have become such a bigger and better person because of it all. On Tuesday of this week, my 15 month old son burned his hand on my chi striaghtner, suffering third degree burns. At first, I didn't think they looked that bad, and he had stopped crying, so I didn't worry much about them, but I decided to call the pediatrician anyway. They didn't think they were so bad but wanted him to come in anyway. I left him with my dad at the doctors office and headed up to salt lake to my therapy appointment.. when I got out, I tried to get a hold of my dad but couldn't. My brother said he thought he was still at the doctors. My heart sank. I knew something serious was wrong. I called my mom and she explained that the burns were very serious, 3rd degree, and they might affect the mobility of his hand, so we needed to take him to the burn unit at the university hospital in slc first thing in the morning to check it out and probably get a skin graft. I was devestated. Four months of a sick baby with ear infections, and now this? I was already falling apart from the pressure. How was I supposed to accomplish this as a single mother? And wasn't this all my fault anyway for letting him burn his hand? Couldn't I have prevented it? I cried and cried on that drive home. I'm lucky I didn't crash. My boyfriend met me at my place and comforted me, saying he'd come with me to the appointment. I had to call my babies dad and tell him and his family what had happened. Then there was the trip to the burn unit the next day.. my babies dad bailed out, surprise surprise, so me and Taylor were gonna brave it alone when my mom decided to come, for which I was so grateful. I was a wreck. I tried to remember all the prayers for Rowan that my friends and family had promised and the power within the Lords power to heal. And it paid off. I testify to you, the Lord does work miracles and teaches us all in mysterious ways. The prognosis was better than expected. They were very pleased and surprised with how well he could move his hand. They said we'd give it a chance to heal itself before messing with it.. for which I am greateful. And ya know, it already looks to be healing pretty well so far, which is amazing. Its going to be a long month or more with lots of doctors and hospital visits, dressing changes, and extra time put into extra care for my angel baby, but I'm confident that I can do this.. when seriously, I never thought I could handle something like this. And being a single parent, let me tell you, its hard. It's full of a lot of pain and heartache and exhaustion. It's not easy being the only involved parent. But I was pondering today, and my experiences through LDS family services and deciding to keep my son after months of research and prayer and meeting with the bishop, all the therapy, all the hard work into preparing, and being the best mom I can be, all of it has led up to this moment. I can do this. He has shown me that. I can get through anything, even the really hard times, even when it seems like it will never end. And what I can't get through, He will carry me through. He will show me the way. I am so incredibly grateful for my experiences through my pregnancy and with LDS family services and all the girls I met there. They really all changed my life for the better and even though I'm not super close to most of em, I feel as though we have some kind of unspoken bond from going through what we did. I get so excited when I hear about their lives progressing and them doing so well. It's not easy, not while you're pregnant, not after you place or parent your child, but the lessons we've learned, and how we've changed our lives around.. that, I will always be proud of. It's all very bittersweet. I remember some of us having a discussion about how we felt as though the Lord had carried us through our pregnancy, and then when it was over, He set us down to be on our own two feet with what we had learned.. we talked about how unsettling that was at first because we were used to being carried for so long and didn't feel ready to be set down to deal with things on our own. But then when you do get the hang of it, it's the best feeling, knowing that you can do it. I testify to you that our trials are blessings. They are a way to learn and grow. They are an amazing opportunity to become who He needs you to be. And He will guide you through it. He will carry you when needed, and hold your hand the rest of the way. He will never leave your side to leave you completely on your own. He is always there, always listening, and He loves you no matter where you've been, what you've done, or how long it's been since you've talked to him. And sometimes the way he answers prayers isn't the way that we want, or when we want it, but be patient, because it's what we need. I am so grateful for all i've learned through this experience and all the support and love Rowan and I have recieved. We could truely not be more blessed. And I bear this, my testimony, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

...Happy Holidays?

yes. you already know that this is kind of a downer post. Just say it. i can see it in your eyes already. maybe if i put my writing to good use with sharing "good" things, my blog would actually be read by people other than Ryan. I can't decide weather or not this bothers me, that people don't read my blog. part of me likes it but part of me is a little sad. we'll see which part wins out. i'll tell you what though.. i'll add in some sugar on top of this mud pie at the end by letting you in on some good news i've been sitting on for a while now. so basically the holidays are hard in a way i can't explain very well. i mean, i'm alone, i live alone, but i have to celebrate the holidays because.. well, lets face it, it'd be depressing if i didn't, but also because i have my son here and it just doesn't feel right not celebrating it with him. but it's just.. weird. celebrating with just him and me. the best word to describe it is empty. its almost like.. the feeling when you wake up and think that someones there but they're not and you have that sinking feeling in your stomach.. and it hurts. i feel like a weirdy tag along cuz every holiday that we have, i talk to my parents and end up making up some way to spend it with them so i don't feel so lonely. then i feel like a loser. and don't get me wrong, the holidays usually end up great, but i still feel all sorts of lonely during them.. and like something is missing. now i guess there is bad news with the good news, so here we go. also, i wanna be really vague because i just don't think that certain detail is appropriate... but i've been dating this guy for around three and a half months now and well.. i really like him.. but anyway, its getting to be towards the time of the holidays, and all the sudden i realize i have someone to spend them with, and i'm super stoked on it, right.. and then i realized that to spend the holidays with him and rowan would be like having a weird, little family moment.. except we're not a little family.. and he felt the same way.. which made me feel even worse about the holidays because now i really don't know how to spend them. I just feel like i can't win without a family. i just can't. but yes, this guy, he's amazing. I hope things work out. because he's some type of great. a man of my dreams.. and that's all i'm going to share on the subject. Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

go to google

type in "angora rabbit" and laugh till you cry. i want like ninety of those little.. erm.. big.. fluff balls!! how can you say no to this face??!! it's like a cartoon come to life!!

Somtimes things are unexpected