Thursday, December 15, 2011
yes. you already know that this is kind of a downer post. Just say it. i can see it in your eyes already. maybe if i put my writing to good use with sharing "good" things, my blog would actually be read by people other than Ryan. I can't decide weather or not this bothers me, that people don't read my blog. part of me likes it but part of me is a little sad. we'll see which part wins out. i'll tell you what though.. i'll add in some sugar on top of this mud pie at the end by letting you in on some good news i've been sitting on for a while now. so basically the holidays are hard in a way i can't explain very well. i mean, i'm alone, i live alone, but i have to celebrate the holidays because.. well, lets face it, it'd be depressing if i didn't, but also because i have my son here and it just doesn't feel right not celebrating it with him. but it's just.. weird. celebrating with just him and me. the best word to describe it is empty. its almost like.. the feeling when you wake up and think that someones there but they're not and you have that sinking feeling in your stomach.. and it hurts. i feel like a weirdy tag along cuz every holiday that we have, i talk to my parents and end up making up some way to spend it with them so i don't feel so lonely. then i feel like a loser. and don't get me wrong, the holidays usually end up great, but i still feel all sorts of lonely during them.. and like something is missing. now i guess there is bad news with the good news, so here we go. also, i wanna be really vague because i just don't think that certain detail is appropriate... but i've been dating this guy for around three and a half months now and well.. i really like him.. but anyway, its getting to be towards the time of the holidays, and all the sudden i realize i have someone to spend them with, and i'm super stoked on it, right.. and then i realized that to spend the holidays with him and rowan would be like having a weird, little family moment.. except we're not a little family.. and he felt the same way.. which made me feel even worse about the holidays because now i really don't know how to spend them. I just feel like i can't win without a family. i just can't. but yes, this guy, he's amazing. I hope things work out. because he's some type of great. a man of my dreams.. and that's all i'm going to share on the subject. Merry Christmas everyone!