Monday, January 30, 2012

Cleaning up the wreckage

Sobriety isn't exactly easy.

past is past, but sobriety is an active choice
which I believe is where most people folly

because most of us would believe that a simple choice in itself would suffice
but.. unfortunately..

it doesn't.

Because you're gonna want to drink again.
or whatever it is that you do.
and in my case, thats getting black out drunk.. or smoking.
which started honestly to drown my feelings
numb the pain of my emotional disorder i have (that i didn't know i had at the time)

It has been two years since I've had a drop of alcohol.
I've quit smoking as well.

it is a battle

not like an, every night i wanna get wasted, battle
but more of a,
bad day wanna end it with a drink battle
every time i smell ciggarette smoke battle
can't hang around ppl who are smoking or drinking battle

but i've put together a great system and support team to help me to continually conquer this battle

And i owe my sobriety mostly to my son
and my therapist
and my family
and my best friend Lindsay
and bestie Bailey
and boifrienn Taylor

But really, my sobriety started when I found out I was pregnant with my little bean

So here's my sincerest thanks to Rowan for turning my life around and literally saving me
and to me celebrating two years alcohol free <3 and letting all you folks out there know that anything is possible to overcome within yourself with the right amount of commitment and a good support team, anything can be achieved. no matter how big or small it may seem scary, and you may have to dig deep, but you certainly have the power within you and don't forget the power around and above you you have ancestors watching over you and as i've said in many blog posts before you do as much as you can and He will make up the rest

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The importance of biting your tongue

And forgiving the seemingly unforgivable.

forgiveness is the key I have found that has opened so many doors for me in the past three or four years.. I felt like I should share some of these thoughts I have on the subject matter.

Btw, I have no idea why this is all in italics. Apparently my blogger app has decided to go rogue. My sincerest apologies if this offends you. But really, if this offends you, you probably shouldn't read anything I write lol.

Forgiveness used to be sort of a cuss word in my mind. Who the hail would wanna forgive some of these Dbags who just run around wronging ppl left and right like they're throwin out beads for mardi gras. Like for real ppl. This "love one another" stuff, we all agree that its right until we're wronged and then we try and justify our anger and hatred by explaining why the person deserves it.

Well, maybe that's just me.

Anyway, I wanna give this justice without runnin my mouth on too much backstory, so be patient with me. Its a fine line I'm walkin, and just ask my boyfriend, I tend to get tangenty.

I recently found out what forgiving really means.
It was a big situation with my sons father who I dated off and on for two years (some of that time including the pregnancy) and the shtuff I had to deal with surrounding that.. which basically we had a relatively abusive relationship, he walked out on me when I was pregnant, pretty sure he cheated, he spread rumors about personal info he twisted around (saying the kind of things about me that most of society would agree he deserved to have the crap beat out of him for even thinking of saying) and just general absence from my sons life plus making my life hell.
So that gives you a pretty good idea. I've been through a lot but nothing harder than this. And that's sayin something.

About around the time the custody battle was coming to a close, (which, if any of you have dealt with custody, once the papers are written and passed through the judge, things almost get harder, and in my case, more drama arose) I realized that I needed to do something to let go of the hatred and loathing I felt towards my sons father.

Yeah, there were some "love one another" type thoughts in there, but in all honesty, for me, it was mostly because A) I was so beyond the saddest state of miserable and B) when my son got older, I wanted to be able to honestly tell him about everything between me and his dad but also have him know that his dad wasn't ready for a baby, that he's not a bad person but just made some bad decisions, and I wanted to believe what I was saying to him.

So I set out on a quest... I joke bahah. More like I asked my therapist, prayed, and dug deep for answers.

I realized right off that this was going to be an ongoing process that would never end because no matter what, ill always feel guilt and pain from this situation I've put me and my son in. And with that, forgiveness is a CHOICE which means it takes an ongoing conscious effort to achieve.

But as time has gone on, I realized forgiveness doesn't mean getting rid of the pain completely, (that's impossible and unrealistic) it just means that I don't have to suffer. I can look back on events, hurt for them from time to time, and that's it. I can go on with life.

And how did I do it?  It was a lot of self talk, mostly. Looking at things from his point of view. Telling myself he didn't set out to hurt me and my son and may not fully understand the consequences of his actions. I didn't create excuses, but thought of reasons why a person would choose to hurt someone and be absent from their childs life. I came up with many possibilities and filed them away as.. you guessed it.. possibilities (not to be confused with excuses).. then left it at that.

I stopped going back to the what ifs and the why's. Its no use to try and find fault or blame, wonder why he could think it was okay to do that, etc. Its just endless. The problem cannot be solved. It just can't. Ill never know exactly, ill only have guesses. And I've accepted that.
There's no use rehashing old events or feeling guilty. I sincerely apologized for what I had done wrong in the past and moved on.

And I realized he is only HUMAN. He's a person with feelings and shortcomings and fears. He is a child of God. And more importantly, he is my sons father, which doesn't mean he has to be the dad that raises Rowan, but does mean Rowan will love him and ask questions about him that I'm going to have to be able to answer without regretting what I say.. and I'm going to have to be able to get along with him for Rowan's sake.

It's not about him changing. I let go of that too. Its about what I do to handle the situation, and that's all I can do.

So the more I forgave him, the more I told myself that he's not doing all this to purposely harm, and the nicer I was with working with him and his family on custody things, the better I felt. And the better things went with him and his family.


The more whole I became.
Those old wounds healed and are more painful reminders than gaping sores that need attending to.
And I've moved on.
I've built my own life and learned so much in the process.

No one is unforgivable, no matter what the sin.

And seriously, I don't think I'm some hott awesome super hero for forgiving him. I mean its a process. There are days I still curse his name. But I can admit I still care about him as a human being and genuinely feel sad for his situation.

In all seriousness, I'm not sharing this to brag, but to share to maybe help put some perspective on things. So I hope it helped!

Cuz I testify to you, that forgiveness is a powerful tool that can be used, no matter how big or small the wrongdoing.. a tool that can heal lives and help you move on.. And live a happy life, taking that weight off your shoulders. Let Christ bear that burden for you. Do the best you can, and he will make up for the rest.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.