Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What next?

Anyone who has had to blend a family knows its sort of awkward and hard.

I mean I guess I saw me finding "the one" as finding my knight in shining armour, riding off into the sunset, and having a happy ending. I mean I'm not completely ridiculous ;) I knew it would be hard, just not THIS hard.

It's all just bittersweet at times.
A lot more than I expected.

Should I have to feel guilty about my son calling my man Dad? No. But I do anyway.

I mean, in the seven months we've been dating, Taylor has taken on full and complete responsibility of being a father to a child that isnt his.. And it's almost like Rowan was always his.

Rowan cries when daddy leaves and looks for him. He will look at pictures of him while hes gone, try and call him from my phone.. I mean I've raised the kid with really only my parents help, im with him all the time, in walks Taylor and KABOOM, he loves him twice as much as me lol :p

And it's fantastic. Taylor adores him. He teaches him things, makes up silly games, brags about his new tricks, spends every free moment with him.. And he's fantastic at diciplining him. He's been through the good, the poopy, the pukey, the ornery, and the exhausting.. All by choice. And he loves him as his own.

I mean, Rowan has never had that from anyone but me.

Sigh. It's everything I've wanted from the beginning to give him, but why is it so hard? Why is it so emotionally draining for me?

I guess I didn't think much about how Taylor being Rowans daddy would fit into Rowans birth dads life.. And his birth grandparents.

I really feel for them.
But I'm also afraid for how they'll react.
I'm sure the first time they hear Rowan call Taylor daddy, their heart will break.

But Rowan absolutely DESERVES two active parents in his life.

Taylor has filled a hole for us both.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid with big ppl responsibilities..

And it weighs me down. I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

My sons life and wellbeing depend on me.

I really have no one to turn to on this one but the Lord.

If you have any experience in this area, advice is welcome.

Heaven knows I need it.

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