It's the days that you are just surviving. The days that you are literally just putting one foot in front of the other, too consumed with moving at all to be ashamed for being behind. The days you can barely get through and can barely remember afterward because they were such a blur.
Do you ever wonder if anyone can tell? I personally (this is not a joke although it is comical) can almost hear epic movie music playing in the background as I move throughout the day.. which is really just in my head of course. It's funny to me that in my most pathetic times, I play bad A background music for myself in my head haha.
But are they so pathetic? I mean, let's look at this for a minute. This could just be me, but I feel all sorts of uber alone when going through a trial. Even when people reach out to me, I'm afraid to take their hand cuz I'm afraid of burdening them, so often times I just don't. And really, most of the things I've been through, my parents don't even know how to help me with so I have a hard time expecting most people to know where I'm coming from. Make no mistake, sincere comments and acts of kindness or even just checking up on me may not support me, but they keep me moving forward. Even being married to someone who walks every step of the way with me, I've come to realize that I still can't rely on someone else to carry me.
So throw in the obvious shame for "being alone" and "pathetic" cuz my life consists or more stress, crying, and surviving than anything, factor in the mountains that have been climbed, and the word pathetic just does not compute.
To answer my earlier question, I do believe people can tell what you've been through. People tell me its in my eyes. They may not know a single trial I'm going through, meet me when I'm being a happy go lucky smiley weirdo, and still, they say they can see it in my eyes that I've seen and been through a lot. A lot of them say they can see my strength in there.
At first, I must admit, this freaked me out.
Uhm, hello, naked eyeballs that reveal my soul to the world! How do I go about clothing thee?
I mean, come on. Awkward! Now I wasn't only pathetic, but naked as well. Cue the violin.
As time went on, I realized this was vulnerability.. and that it was the biggest tool I had in helping others. And I realized that it made me strong.
Now there's a weird concept for you to think about. Bearing your scars to the world, having naked eyeballs that are windows to your soul, making the lonely tear-filled climb up a mountain of doom makes you strong? If you're waiting for the just kidding, it's not coming.
Heroes seem so glamorous. But do we ever stop to think about how it looked from their side? Sometimes that is shown but more often than not, we get stuck in celebrating their triumph, not thinking about their journey. I'm sure they all had doubts and fears, feelings of loneliness and hopelessness that you couldn't believe. The thing that makes them heroes above all else is that when they thought their feet couldn't carry them, they moved on. When they were faced with a trial they didn't think they could conquer, they just.. did.
I mean, when people ask you, how did you go through that?? (Which is usually followed by a, 'i could never do that') my first thought is to respond with a, anyone could do it.. you have no choice BUT to survive. If you let the trial defeat you, it will. Don't ever mistake slowing down or being discouraged as defeat though. Just because you're not glowing with rainbows and butterflies surrounding you like some weird hippie aura doesn't mean you're defeated. It is usually the people that I see with storm clouds above their heads that I admire the most. Umbrella or not, they don't let it defeat them, because they keep moving forward, rain or shine.
You find out a lot about yourself during time of trial. Don't ever be fooled by those hopeless thoughts or feelings of being the only one in the world. You have proved otherwise and must give yourself credit for it. Your dark spots have made you strong. Don't be ashamed of them. It's not your thoughts but your actions, not your mistakes but what you do with them that define you.
Do I still feel pathetic? Most obviously, yes. Most people I tell this too think I'm crazy if they know all of what I've overcome. I have a hard time seeing myself as any more then the girl that constantly struggles, either from my own mistake, or just plain ole circumstance. It's only recently that I've taken the time, mostly in this blog, to turn things around and give myself a small credit here and there for things that I've learned- and to share them with others so they can learn them as well.
Most times, I think of the people in the scriptures, so humble in their struggles, so faithful till the end. Who doesn't wanna be like them? It's sometimes hard to remember they were only human. Some people may think that their human-ness makes them less of a person to look up to. But riddle me this.. what person do you look up to? Have they been through a lot, or lived a priveledged life? Have they made mistakes and fixed them? Do you think that makes them stronger? Do we look down on recovering alcoholics and addicts or commend them for their strength? Do we look down upon the kid who used to sell drugs but now makes an honest living as a businessman? No. At least, we shouldn't. We look up to those who have courage when we think we could not. Those who keep climbing there way from a place at the bottom that we would never understand. These people I speak of steal our hearts, and we aspire to be like them, though most of us dont know what that even means. Simply put, it means pressing on when you feel no fight left in you. Moving one foot, then the other. It is usually hopeless, alone, and even devastating; scarring so deeply that you can't bear to look back. It feels like defeat. It feels like you've given up, but don't be fooled, you haven't. And that's the whole key right there. You haven't.