Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Court is awaiting

I'm sick to my stomach. I want to cry. I want to be strong and pretend like it's going to be okay but there are so many unknowns.

Don't get me wrong. I have so much faith concerning the matter.
But Rowan's path is His and I have no control over that.

And that terrifies me.

I've been trying so hard since day one of my pregnancy to do everything right
Not just for myself
But for Allen and Rowan

Most importantly Rowan. His best interest always weighs out.

It makes me wanna cry. It's so hard trying to be the bigger person. Biting my tongue. Constantly being around people who are Rowan's relatives, not because I like them one way or another, but because it's better for them and for Rowan.

Dropping everything to rearrange my day to accommidate grandparents who want to see their grandson... the same one who argue, yell at, and belittle me more than their own son.

Don't get me wrong, I mean.. hundreds of anxiety attacks and sob fests later, I can look anyone in the eye and proudly state that I've done all I can to the best ability that I have in me to possibly do for my son and his wellbeing, as for his relatives on his other side.

Most importantly when he's older, ill be able to look Rowan in the eye and say that I did all that I could for him. No matter how much of a sacrifice, I did all I could to do what is right and that is something I can be proud about.. something I don't have guilt about. And hopefully its a good example to my son.

No matter what happens, or how others treat you, you need to do your best to act within the law and your morals and values. Love your enemies until you can understand them. Service them. Do favors for them. Speak kind words about them. As time goes by, they may not change, but you will.. and you will no longer see them or anyone else for that matter as anything closely described as an "enemy". And most importantly, you'll learn that being the best you can only really be realized and achieved under the hardest circumstances.. like diamonds and coal.

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