Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Haterrrz.

Yeah, okay. I'm running out of creative titles. So sue me. It seemed to fit okay at the time and I'm really not in the mood to change it.

The truth is that I've become an angry hermit.

That's right. I'm openly admitting to reaching out to all of you ppl on facebook, through texts, etc. and then I hide away, not responding because I can't bring myself to talk to anyone who doesn't know what I'm experiencing..

Which really is stupid cuz I'm not aloud to talk about it with most of the people I talk to and the few that do know, just are as stumped and miserable as I am. Well, at least they think they are.. They get breaks from the torture where I have the unfortunate job of focusing on it all day, every day. I've become chronically ill from it.

And I know it's stupid. I've seen others with this problem and it's heartbreaking how angry and reclusive they become.. Yet I am in amazing amounts of pain and can totally understand how hate, anger, and depression quickly take over. And these feelings are more than justified. I don't know a person who wouldn't agree, though most dont know the extent.

I know most of my posts have inspirational messages at the end but seeing as how this is an ongoing process, I really dont have much to say other than the fact that the Lord, forgiveness, and the atonement have kept me sane.. As well as my determination to channel all of my negative feelings into making this better.. Or managing it.. One of the two.

One thing's for certain, I will not stop until this is over. There's no one more worth it than my beautiful angel boy.

And as far as some maybe being annoyed that I post on things I can't talk about.. I wish I could scream to the world what was going on but I can't. My secret is suffocating me. I seriously feel like I'm going to break down and just explode every second I think about it. I have a hard time keeping my anger in check, as well as my devastation. So this is the closest I may ever get to being able to express myself in all of this.. So please, just don't ask.

If you know me, and know any part of what I've been thorough, know that this is by far the absolute worst, and has all but killed me, and you should know that is saying something.

So if any feelings have been hurt, I am sorry. I'm trying the best I can to forgive the biggest things of my life and it's so hard that it's terrifying. So forgive me. Be patient with me.. For I am still learning and am determined to get it someday.

No comments:

Post a Comment